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Relationships

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Original poster

Male/female friendships - particularly married man/single female

29 replies

tallielikesthesky · 29/06/2013 18:03

Help settle an argument - In your opinion how likely do you think it is that a married man would cultivate a friendship with a younger single woman for purely innocent reasons?

I'm normally in the men and women can be friends camp but in this scenario it just seems unlikely to me that a married man with a family and a million other commitments would spend time and energy pursing a friendship with another woman.

Friend recently told me about her new 'friend' - he's a work colleague of hers, he's married, she's single. They have no shared interests or any particular reason to be in contact outside of work but apparently they text frequently and go for lunch when working the same shifts. My friend is lovely and don't think she sees it as anything more but I think she's being a little naïve although I inadvertently insulted her when I suggested that he may not be purely interested in being her friend. Am I being cynical?

OP posts:

Numberlock · 29/06/2013 18:04

And his wife's perfectly happy and knows all about it? Thought not...

worsestershiresauce · 29/06/2013 18:06

My thoughts - she likes the attention, and so does he.

MagratGarlik · 29/06/2013 18:09

Why not? Friendships can start for all sorts of reasons. My best friend is a male, 10 years older than me. We became friends when I was 19. We've been friends through each of our marriages and subsequent divorces, birth of our children and many other things. There has never been even a bit of interest in taking it further than friendship on either side in the 20 years we've been friends.

On the surface we don't have much in common either, but we're never short of stuff to talk about.

Not every married man is after sex if he befriends a younger woman.

ecclesvet · 29/06/2013 18:10

If I had to have shared interests or reasons to contact my friends I'd only know about two people.

Beamur · 29/06/2013 18:15

Bit borderline this one.
Occasional lunches with colleagues when working together - fine.
Frequent texting - getting dodgy.
I have married male friends, although I'm not single, but also did when I was - usually work colleagues though and rarely socialised 1:1.

I have a single friend who I see regularly though. But all the contact I have with him I'd be happy to share with my DP and he always knows when I am meeting my chum.

YoniBottsBumgina · 29/06/2013 18:24

DP has female friends from work and I don't know if they're married or single but I am aware of them & it doesn't bother me. He doesn't text much hut he talks to them on some online I'M thing, like Skype/msn/whatever.

YoniBottsBumgina · 29/06/2013 18:25

Awful typing - on phone

DioneTheDiabolist · 29/06/2013 18:34

One of my good friends is a married man who is 14 years older than me. I have a boyfriend now, but am single and was boyfriendless when we became friends. We text, talk, go for lunch (and our annual pub crawl) and when he is working close to where I live he sometimes pops in for a cuppa.

There is nothing inappropriate about our friendship at all and we have been friend's for about 4years now.

Original poster

tallielikesthesky · 29/06/2013 18:44

Maybe I am being cynical then. I know it's possible to have genuine opposite sex friendships and I have an older married male friend myself (who i met when single) so it probably is hypocritical of me to question hers but guess it's the little details she's told me that have raised alarm bells.

Apparently when they go for lunch it's just the two of them and they text most days. When I asked what about she said just chit-chat/what are you up to type messages but personally i'm not in daily contact like that with even my very closest friends

Numberlock - she says she doesn't know for sure whether his wife is aware of their contact or not but assumes she does and doesn't think she'd have an issue seeing any of their messages. Although she then admitted that he can sometimes be 'slightly flirty' so am not convinced she really believes that herself.

I don't know, I just don't want my friend to get dragged into something without realising

OP posts:

Beamur · 29/06/2013 18:45

I think your radar is spot on. Sounds just a shade too friendly to me.

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 29/06/2013 18:49

If he's being flirty then it definitely sounds like he would like there to be more to this relationship.

tribpot · 29/06/2013 18:57

For a bit of balance, I have a friend who is not yet 30, single (at least, not married, had a couple of long term girlfriends in the time I've known him). We go for lunch sometimes and chat quite frequently. I also chat/text with a number of the guys in my team and other (male) friends - this is largely because nearly everyone I have ever worked with is male! Anyway, things are completely above board with this younger guy, my DH is entirely aware of the friendship, he comes to the house, me and my ds visit his house (his house not very wheelchair friendly so not suitable for DH). Almost all of our contact, that isn't actually work gossip, is how are you/what are you up to - initiated by him I might say, as he's not very busy with work.

This friendship you're describing could be innocent, but there's no way I would have time for texting nearly every day. I don't have any friends that I would exclusively only go out to lunch with them and I never have a conversation I wouldn't be happy for my DH to hear. He might be bored shitless by it, but he wouldn't be offended or uncomfortable.

I think your friend needs to back off a little or at the very least mix it up a bit. Invite someone else to have lunch with them. Invite him and his wife round for a meal. It all feels just a little bit too cosy and convenient right now.

LadyLapsang · 29/06/2013 19:43

I have lunch, coffee, drinks and have gone to the theatre with male and female colleagues, both in a group and 1 to 1. Sometimes they will text but I'm not a big one for texts unless it's vital re: work. I would tell my DH if its in the evening but may not bother in the daytime, depends if it comes up. One of my male colleagues used to have a geographical tracker on his phone so his DW could see where he was, that was creepy (I could understand it if he was travelling a lot but not for commuting).

Diagonally · 29/06/2013 20:06

I don't have any friends that I text on a daily basis

I reserve that for my partner (if + when I have one on the go).

Most people don't bother to share the minutiae of their lives with anyone other than a partner, surely?

Do you think he texts his W as often?

That would be interesting to know.

Mollydoggerson · 29/06/2013 20:16

Sounds dodgy to me, but then I think there is often a spark of sexual interest in most friendships between men and women.

Day to day trivia is boyfriend/girlfriend type of communication.

BicBiro · 29/06/2013 20:18

for me the answer lies in whether he is comfortable talking about his married life or not with your friend, with the possibility of her meeting his wife. if he is funny about talking about his wife, or recoils at the suggestion of them all socialising together then I would say he has ulterior motives. transparency is the key.

BicBiro · 29/06/2013 20:19

DioneTheDiabolist · 29/06/2013 20:39

Believe me. There are absolutely no sparks of any sort between me and my older, male, married friend. In fact I have noted and commented on how his feminine side emerges when we are hanging out.

YoniBottsBumgina · 29/06/2013 21:02

The day to day thing is a good point and I hadn't thought of that. You're right you wouldn't bother to text the minutae of your daily life to a friend, it would be a boyfriend/girlfriend or something like facebook/twitter. You wouldn't just text a particular friend, unless you're 14 and you have a "best friend" (the "best friend" relationship changes once you're all adults)

Jengnr · 29/06/2013 21:56

I had an older, male, married friend.

He's now my brother in law. :D

scrazy · 29/06/2013 22:04

I think women are better at being friends only with men. They like the company even if they have no sexual interest in the man. Now the man, might have the same needs but if he's married or in a relationship then it's dodgy ground, almost like an emotional affair and I reckon the man thinks the woman secretly fancies him so not good tbh. Just my experience, of course some men might be perfectly happy to be friends with a woman he doesn't fancy.

All friendship/relationships have a two way deal, there is something in it for both parties.

blueshoes · 30/06/2013 00:06

Dodgy and very close to inappropriate, especially the frequent texting. The lunching together will attract office gossip. Your friend is being naive or in denial, probably both.

Zynia41 · 30/06/2013 00:14

Very Unlikely sorry.

I am a single woman but not a young woman and I guess because of my age and experience and wisdom I am very careful never to be too friendly to the husbands of female acquaintances. even if (as happens on occasion) I find them easier to talk to than their wives. I just wouldn't allow that friendship to take any pace.

WhoBU · 30/06/2013 00:19

I had this - as it turns out, he was just trying to seduce me, I said no, and now it's vaguely awkward.

blueshoes · 30/06/2013 00:21

I agree Zynia. The younger me might have thought differently but being as long in the tooth as I have been, it is best to keep married men at arms length. It is as much appearances as it is what lies beneath the surface.

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