Talk to the hand

[Eyeslikeraisins]

I would really appreciate your reactions to my DH's behaviour. We have just returned from his parents' house after an afternoon visit. While we were there, we were having a conversation about our new house that we're building (massive debt but that's another thread) and the sort of finishes that we'll have to choose soon. He has always wanted a manshed and in passing I asked him would there be any storage in his new shed. He was annoyed because he considers this his future sanctuary and to indicate he didn't want to talk about it he held his hand up at me (to say talk to the hand) in front of DFIL.

I was so annoyed that I did actually shut up and haven't spoken a word to him since.
He is under massive pressure at work (may lose business) and is very stressed but how can I get it into his thick skull that this sort of behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. His father mumbled something at the time about his son being ratty but I feel his behaviour goes a bit deeper than grumpiness and indicates a lack of respect for me.

I am 7 months pregnant, SAHM to two young DC. I love him but don't know where to turn. He is not an easy man to live with but is a fantastic father to our DCs and is generous and good most of the time but he has a nasty side.
On reading this it does sound pretty trivial but that is the third time this week he has been rude/ mean to me.

Any hand held up to my face gets bitten. Oh yes.

I don't blame you for being cross but you need to talk. Silent treatment isn't going to help. You need to make it very clear that this 'nasty side' of his has to go, because you don't intend to tolerate it.

Of course, that only works if you actually don't intend to tolerate it.

Coupled with other comments about him, I don't think it's trivial.

He wants his own space. Do you get yours?

And he's putting you in your place.

I'd be making the bedroom my kingdom.

And tell him that if keeps it up, he'll have a whole house/flat to himself.

No. NOT trivial. I can understand the reaction of not wanting to speak to him (this sort of undermining, abusive behaviour make you feel irate and confused and in the moment, with family around you feel exposed and vulnerable). BUT... In the silence grows an inevitable emotional detachment (in my case) or loss of identity and self esteem. Far better to show a healthy response and deal with it now (ie state clearly that you will not tolerate it). It is his problem to sort. If he is able to see it he may be able to change. But he might not. Stress is not a excuse, either. He is an adult (in years anyway).

Being a great dad doesn't let him off the hook. Start by reminding him you're a team. You're on his side. You don't deserve to be treated shabbily. An apology would be nice but can he share what's bothering him? You've mentioned debts, work, family finances.You're pregnant not suddenly incapable of rational thought. Can you both get financial advice? If he has to re-budget for the house or scale down, discuss it. Anything else, if not to you is he able to offload to his dad or a mate?

He has to direct his stress elsewhere. At seven months pregnant you may not relish dividing the family but if he is jeopardising your well-being he must realise you will do it.

If he is like that when sober I hope he doesn't fuel his 'nasty side' with booze. Nothing else lurking like dodgy investments or gambling? Facing a crisis is better with both parties seeing what can be done.

If you have any concern this is escalating into physical aggression get out.