People keep asking me am I seeing anyone?

[Lonecatwithkitten]

ExH left a year ago today after having an affair has peculiar relationship with OW now which is whole other thread. We have 9 year old DD who we have 50:50 shared care of. I work in clinical setting which I actually own and do on call nights and weekends.
In the last year I have had four nights where I have not either been on call or had DD and one of those was last Thursday after having had breast surgery in the daytime.
People keep asking am I seeing anyone new aside from the hurt which is still there due to complex situation and having to face OW at least once a week when exactly do I have time to meet anyone else?

I imagine that people don't know the intricacies of your schedule and assume that if ex has DD half of the week, you've got more leisure time than you have.

Do you want to meet someone, or is it that you're getting fed up with people assuming you should want someone?

Thank you Leaven it is actually people who are aware of my work commitments and they are also aware of the shades of hell ExH has put me through as well.
I have no interest in meeting anyone else as I don't think I am ready. I am just surprised that they think I can put aside everything so quickly and move on.

So sorry you've had a terrible time of it. I don't understand why people assume that it's a good idea to get into another relationship when someone's still grieving for the last one, or healing from the damage it wrought.

If I had to guess, it's probably because they see you as stronger and tougher than you perhaps always feel. You're clearly an intelligent and successful woman and people make all sorts of assumptions based on what's on the exterior. There are also people who assume that a woman's life is not complete without a man .

To your close circle, can you open up and explain what you've said here?

It is a tactless thing to say. People mean well, I suppose, but imo what they are really saying is 'be happy so I can be happy and don't have to worry'. That's a bit cynical of me, isn't it.

I had this for a while - oh do be in a relationship so we can all rest easy. Someone even asked if I was gay. The reasoning being that I must be gay if I wasn't in a hetero relationship by now.

The cheek of it. The blind stupidity of it. People are thick, tactless, insensitive sometimes. They also want us who are limping and hurt to 'move on' and 'be happy'. There isn't much tolerance for grief in our culture.

I get how it bothers you, but I think it's meant well.

For the precise reason that you suffered so much with your ex, they want to see you bounce back, they want to see you live the life you deserve, full, rich, wonderful AND with someone that loves you for you.

I know you are not ready yet, but one day you will be, and one day you'll see why people asked.

You'll get there, when you're ready.

Main thing is, take the comments in the spirit in which they are meant. It means that people who know you think you are too wonderful to not be seeing someone. They perhaps don't understand how vulnerable you still are.

I've been single (with DC) for the best part of 18 years and friends/family who don't see me often will still ask 'anyone special around, walkacross'? It's just something we singletons have to put up with for all the reasons outlined above. I usually reply /lie 'don't worry, I'll be sure to tell you if and when there is'.

Maybe you should ask back if they have a candidate?

People don't ask me, so I had to tell them when I did start seeing someone after separating.
If they asked occasionally, I could just have said yes. As it was I had to introduce the news.

Yep, agree with walk :) I started a thread on here about it and all single women get hassled questioned so much by smugmarrieds, it is unbelievable at times!

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship though. That must have been so very hard

I think it is probably just a piece of small talk? they think you could be seeing someone, or not, but are just asking something about your life.

Someone asked me today. I was over the moon that they thought it was genuinely a possibility! I guess as time goes by it gets more annoying. I'm dabbling with internet dating, but nowhere near ready to meet anyone. You've probably already thought of every permutation, but could you rearrange your life a bit so you get at least one free night a fortnight? Ask a sleepover favour from another mum? Sounds a tough schedule. And why do you have to see the ow? That's not on :(

Bigstrongma unfortunately I have looked at my schedule, but I have DD 50% of the time (she really needs for that to be more, but ExH won't consider it yet another thread there), 25% of the time I am on call and 25% of time I provide back up to junior colleagues. Business is legally required to offer 24/7 service and there are no suitable out of hour providers that I would be prepared to our source this to.
But actually I think what I hate is that because ExH had OW for sleepover with DD 3 days after he left everyone seems to assume that I must have seen the end coming and therefore be ready to move forward. I thought we were in a rough patch had no idea it was catastrophic.
I have to see OW as her DD and mine are in same class at school I would like to move DD, but ExH is blocking this.

What a bastard. Not just any OW, your dd's classmate's mum. Git.

Maybe I'm being naive, but how can your dh block moving your dd's class? Have you spoken to the school about how upsetting it is? It must be upsetting for your dd and the ow's dd too. The school should act in the best interests of the pupils, surely? I'm quite sneaky; I would get to the school and see if there was anything they could do off the record, let them know that your exh would cause trouble if he knew, but that you are worried for dd and think a bit of space would be good. If the change comes from the school for the good of dd then he can't argue... It might be worth a go.

Sorry bigstrongmama I wasn't clear I want to change her school this has to be agreed by everyone with PR.

If they know the circumstances they'll recognise you have been dumped on from a great height by ex and OW. So whilst they may not know how friendly or acrimonious the split was, they want you to know they are right behind you and to pay the compliment of assuring you that you deserve better; ie when you are ready, you will meet someone, have a good time, "get back on the horse".

It sounds as if on top of caring for DD and coping with ex, work is all-consuming and you are already back to a full timetable following your surgery only last week. I am sorry I don't have practical solutions but very much hope you watch your own health and do not let yourself be run into the ground.

Next time someone asks you, maybe say no not yet, but in the meantime, are they available to babysit?

I'm in the same boat, been asked so many times have i started seeing someone since my ex left 18 months or so ago. Been told i need to find a man, how can i manage without one.

Well i had one for over 25 years, then he left me for OW, though i didn't know it at the time, why on earth would i want another one? Would be so nice to have the company, but never again will i be financially dependent on a man.

Just why do people think they can ask a single woman are you seeing someone out of the blue, even had the security man at work asking me how on earth do i manage as if i'm some feeble person who can't manage on her own! I've had no choice, i've had to manage, seem to be doing quite a good job even if i say so myself lol :)

I've been single for 18 months, after being married for 12 years

I have no inclination to date/see anyone ever again!!

I'm aware my feelings might change, but I can't see it

Only 2 people have asked me though

I do worry that I am abnormal for not wanting to be with someone else. But I just don't. I'm quite sure I will become a mad old lady, but I really like being single. I don't miss anything at all