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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Gut instinct?

49 replies

charlottesmum5 · 29/06/2013 09:58

I'm about to get ready to meet someone I've been seeing only a few weeks. The first couple of weeks I felt on cloud 9, he was complimentary, text me loads, talked about being with me forever etc. It all changed last Saturday and I'm not sure why. I came back from my grandfathers funeral ( I was away for 3 days) and was obviously feeling sensitive, but it was at this point that he started bickering at me, putting me down, said I needed therapy, criticised my sense of humour. I ended up sobbing in the car park after this tirade. I've not seen him since, he said he's been working 12 hour days ( if I have had a short day he's sarcastic) but we are planning to meet today. I feel sick, actually like I might vomit and my heart is going fast. He's only sent the odd text in the week and rang me last night but his formerly kind funny tone has gone. When we met he told me he'd been in a safe house for 2 years with the help of mankind as he had been beaten and cut for 7 years by his ex. I'm his first date since this happened 3 years ago. He's so aggressive when he talks to me now and I had no sympathy from him about my loss. What's going on :(

OP posts:

Mamafratelli · 29/06/2013 12:28

Stay away! Isn't there a scheme now where the police can tell you if your partner has been convicted of domestic abuse?

MaBumble · 29/06/2013 12:29

yes, under these circumstances text is fine. Don't get drawn into any sort of conversation or text exchange. ignore responses, ignore calls. You've been seeing him a few weeks and he's behaved like this already? You owe him nothing. Dump,block and run.

I'm sorry for your loss.

miemohrs · 29/06/2013 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Officershitty · 29/06/2013 12:43

Mention his name to the police. I did this when I dated a bad 'un when I was very young... they contacted me as they thought I was at risk. (Back story - after him verbally abusing me and leaving me late at night I was in a dodgy area crying and a police officer asked me if I was ok- there is more to it but this thread is about you not me-
just want to make the point that they may have his acquaintance already...)

educatingarti · 29/06/2013 12:47

Just for information:

If anyone lives in Greater Manchester, Gwent, Wiltshire or Nottingham, there is a current pilot of Clare's Law whereby you can find out about any previous convictions for assault/violence etc that partners/boyfriends may have. Family who are concerned may also request this information on behalf of a relative. I think the pilot may finish soon, particularly in Gwent and Witlshire so get a request in soon if you want to find out this info. You just need to ask the police for the info.

Whogivesashit · 29/06/2013 12:58

You don't have to explain yourself. Just walk away.

FannyFifer · 29/06/2013 13:01

Do not meet this man, why on earth would u even consider it ffs!

KnittedWaffle · 29/06/2013 13:12

Don't give this man a second thought.

Ditch and run.

Looks like you had a lucky escape because he showed you early on what sort of person he really is. Please don't think any of it is you, either. All the best x

Hissy · 29/06/2013 14:35

I think the mankind thing is a lie.

Many abusers accuse their victims of abusing them.

Any event, he's an arsehole, ditch him NOW.

Don't meet him again, ever.

Call the police if he contacts you.

ElectricSoftParade · 29/06/2013 14:39

OP Get rid of him asap.

You really don't need this kind of crap in your life.

I'm sorry for your recent loss and hope you are feeling ok-ish.

Anniegetyourgun · 29/06/2013 14:47

Even taking this man's story completely at face value, that he was the one being abused and has been left emotionally damaged by it (after all, just because a guy is big and strong doesn't mean he can't be vulnerable to abuse - although, to be honest, I'm not sure his story gels with his behaviour)... what was I saying? Oh yes, even if we assume he is completely telling the truth , he is clearly not ready to be in a relationship at this time. Do him a favour, set him free so he can concentrate on recovering.

Or to put it another way: RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY

something2say · 29/06/2013 15:03

As a DV professional I would also add this.....don't talk to him and see if he gets your point of view and then changes.

During the interviewing process for a partner, I look at it like trying on shoes. If they rub or pinch or bother me, they clearly don't fit me right. I could buy them but wouldn't be comfortable in them.

Have you gone to meet him? I do hope not. Not to try and tell him how you feel hoping that he will change, he is who he is. It is up to you to try him on for size and if he doesn't fit, don't buy xxx

Hissy · 29/06/2013 15:50

I LOVE the shoes analogy! Thanks for that, really helpful! :)

jessjessjess · 29/06/2013 15:59

The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

FYI, it's not good if someone talks about being with you forever when you've only just met, as others have said.

kittenmittens · 29/06/2013 16:16

I am actually frightened of this man because he sounds exactly like my ex. RUN AWAY.

Original poster

charlottesmum5 · 29/06/2013 22:45

Thank you ladies I'm really grateful for your input. Thank you 'somethingtosay' for the shoes analogy! I don't understand your first sentence though?
I didn't meet him today as he cancelled an hour before. I just text back saying thanks for letting me know but didn't arrange anything else.
One saving grace is that he doesn't know where I live so I think I will be safe.

OP posts:

Original poster

charlottesmum5 · 30/06/2013 07:01

Sorry me again. I've been awake since 4, I can't stop thinking about things he told me. Two weeks ago he said that he bought a house with her and they lived together for 4 years but for the last 3 years he moved out but they continued their relationship. Why would he need the police and mankind to move him 200+ miles south in the middle of the night if he didn't even live with her?

OP posts:

PetiteRaleuse · 30/06/2013 07:12

They wouldn't. He's lying. It's great that he's showing his true colours now rather than later. You can run. Everything that you have said about him screams abusive bastard.

marriednotdead · 30/06/2013 07:15

Hi. I've just found this thread.

I'm glad your 'twat radar' has kicked in and you're questioning things you'd previously accepted at face value. His story has more holes than a sieve.

Is there anyway you would blank him if he tried to contact you again?

If it would be a problem, it would be easy to get a new mobile number.

SecretSix · 30/06/2013 07:21

It sounds like he's told you a pack of lies, thankfully you've seen his true colours before you're in too deep. I was with a bf of a only 3 months when my ex-H died and he was very supportive through all my tears and confusion.

You don't have to see him or speak to him again. It's done now. After this short time you don't owe him an explanation.

I'm so sorry for your loss. There's nothing wrong with crying when you're sad.

theorchardkeeper · 30/06/2013 07:56

That's not gut instinct that's survival instinct.

You don't owe him an explanation.

Be glad that happened quickly!

calmingtea · 30/06/2013 08:04

Run run run like the wind, block his number, don't respond to texts and work on your own self-esteem because it sounds like you are willing to put up with a lot just to have a man in your life. You are worth far more than this psycho.

MadBusLady · 30/06/2013 08:30

I think he probably started being horrible to you after the funeral precisely because you were vulnerable. He'd done the nice, that was a good point to switch into nasty, while you were low and grieving. You were also supposed to be very hurt and go chasing and texting him when he cancelled today, by the way!

It's great that he doesn't know where you live, makes it much easier to just stop contact. Sometimes people make the mistake of feeling they are obliged to answer texts, explain themselves, engage with someone - you're not. You never have to speak to him again.

pictish · 30/06/2013 08:37

DO NOT SEE THIS MAN AGAIN!!!

He is a liar, and I'll bet my last tenner, a horrid abuser of women.

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