Why is he treating me like this?

[GroundHogDayAgain]

Hi guys. I've posted here a few times about issues I'm having with om/potential partner.

I left my husband a few months ago, it was a long running thing and I wasn't happy. I left and moved into rented house.

Om at the time was a million % supportive. He was amazing and literally couldn't do enough for me.

Last weekend we had an argument about his parents. (They are very controlling and dominating).
Since then, in the space of 5days, he's become like a stranger.

He says he is confused about what he wants. He's not sure how he feels about me, us, a future etc.

It's gone from constant txts, calls, affection, love, everything to absolutely nothing.
He doesn't tell me he loves me. He won't hug me or come near me. He takes hours to txt me back. He never calls and when I call him he only talks for a minute.

It hurts so much to be treated like this. I can't understand what I've done wrong.
He says he is very confused and just needs time to figure it all out.

In the meantime I don't know where I stand with him. I don't know how to behave around him. We work together and it's so horrible to be in the same office yet he treats me like he hardly knows me. He talks to me about work only and if I try talk to him, he turns on me saying I'm pushing him away.

What do you make of this?? Is it his way of ending it? But in a cowardly way? And how can he change so completely overnight?

I don't understand and I'm really confused and depressed.

Advice appreciated x

Feegle- that's horrible... How can someone do that... Are u sure there's nobody else? Is he definitely not coming back? How do you get through the days?

For me what hurts most is all the promises and words of support and times he was there when I needed him. What's happened to all that?

If it was a gradual change I could think well he's been acting weird for a while so I would half expect it. But this is literally overnight.

Why do you say "there is no OW", FeegleFion? Would you necessarily know?

I know there is no OW.

Perhaps he didn't really want you?

I honestly don't mean that to sound harsh.

But you've been living this fantasy for 4 years. You say you never slept with him, just kissed. you lived with your husband, he lived with his wife, but you loved each other - but you never had sex or were intimate beyond kissing until you left your partners to be together.

maybe that's it? maybe it was all pie in the sky - for him. and now here he is, with you, and it's not actually what he wanted. He wanted the fantasy not the reality, so he's turning on you?

He'll probably go back to his wife. I don't think from what you say that he actually ever wanted a real life with you.

If that makes sense to you, then perhaps that might make it easier to walk away from him.

OP, he hasn't "changed overnight", he has always been this way, you just choose not to acknowledge it. I remember your other threads. Have you arranged counseling yet?

I haven't arranged counselling yet... I know I should. I just don't have the willpower to do anything.

I feel totally crippled by this.

The only way to change your situation is to actually do it. No amount of threads here will help you. You are the only one who can do that. You are suffering. Your DCs are suffering. When are you going to actually do something about it?

If you arrange the counselling, it will help you grow strong.

You are worth this. Please be your own best friend here and make the call?

There are many things that baffle me about the sort of bargains with common sense and logic people in your position make. I often liken it to parting with money, giving it to a known scammer and assuming he'll invest your money wisely. Why, if you know a man is lying to one woman, would he not lie to you? Why, if you know he also lied to you about being separated, would you not think he will lie to you again?

Did you think you were more special to him than his wife? Or that he lied to you because he loved you and thought you'd leave him if you knew he was still in a relationship with his wife? That lie was for his benefit, not yours. Once you stayed with him and in fact accelerated your relationship with him after you'd found him out in that lie, it demonstrated what you would put up with in order to have a relationship with him. Any lies after that were easy.

My head hears all this and knows that everything everyone is saying is 100% true.

He built our 'relationship' on a lie. He knew that if I knew the truth about him being married and a child on the way I would have told him where to go. But he still lied. And he didn't stop lying until 3months ago.

I honestly get the feeling he wants to go back to her and his Dc. Which is fine, but at least tell me and put me out of my misery.

He also had extremely controlling parents who caused alot of problems in his marriage. I know they would do the same for us except he assured me he would not let them do it again. He even said we could move away so we didn't have to see them as much.

Do you think I should not say anything to him right now, let him carry on what he's doing and then leave once I've got everything sorted??

No.

I think you should tell him you've come to your senses and realised what a bad decision it was to forgive him for lying to you about being separated.

Because that was a bad decision and I suspect he's still lying to you about his marital relationship, or some other attachment.

I think you should end the whole thing and that includes the housing and business arrangements. Get some counselling and think about whether your children could use some counselling too.

It is not up to him to put you out of your misery. It is up to you to remove yourself, but more importantly your DCs from this.

Your DCs have been moved out of their home and away from their father. They need you. Stop fucking about and put them first. If you can't do this, perhaps they would be better off with their dad while you sort yourself out.

OP posting on page 2 of this thread - 'I never saw the om outside office hours. I spent all my time with my dcs.'

OP posting from page 3 of this thread - 'He spent weeks getting the house ready for us, it needed abit of work and he was here literally all night painting etc.'

This whole thread is a wind-up.

I agree with Dione.

I'd also challenge yourself pretty vigorously about this belief you've got about yourself, that if he'd been honest about his marital status, you would have backed out. You might not have. You didn't back out even when he admitted he lied to you. Quite the reverse it appears. You left your husband and agreed to set up home with someone who'd now been exposed as a liar. Who's to say that if he'd come clean right at the start, you wouldn't have overlooked it and put your own desires first? You can only say what you think you would have done.

Besides, I'm guessing it was relatively easy to check this man out right at the start. You have to question why given that there were so many mutual connections and possible sources of information, you failed to do that.

Some people can convince themselves of more or less anything as long as no-one presents them with cast-iron evidence- especially if they have no wish to think otherwise because it would mean giving something up that they have very selfishly become attached to.

Mrscynical- I don't understand what your problem is? I never saw om outside work. When I said he worked on the house, he was on his own. I wasn't with him! Why is that difficult to get?

Leaven- thank you for your posts. I know that I would definitely have ended it if I knew he was still with his wife. Nobody in our office knew he was married so there were no mutual friends I could have got this info from that he was.

When he did tell me he was separated etc, I had almost moved out by then. I knew I couldn't make it work with my husband, so I had to just take the leap of faith.

My husband had alot of demands and wanted me to be a certain way that I couldn't be. I knew even if I'd stayed that all those issues would still remain.

Dione- I know I need to pull my self together. I'm being a pretty poor example right now of everything, a woman, a mother, a daughter. It's as if my mind has become possessed by him.

I know I should tell him to F off. He's taken me for a ride and now he wants to skip back to his wife after having his ego massaged by me on demand.
But I don't want to. I want to take what's mine. Why the hell should he get away with it? Why should he keep 100% of our business which is doing quite well while I walk away with nothing? Why should he be allowed to live a happy life with his wife whilst I'm on my own?

What is yours groundhog? You said he provided all the capital.

Dione- he put all capital in but I haven't taken a wage/salary yet. The business is making money now but we agreed to pay off the money he invested together before we took a salary. Even though he's put money in it was essentially a loan for us both to pay off. He borrowed from family. We both agreed that we would treat the loan as joint not just his.

I've put alot of time and effort into the business and I don't want to walk away when it's starting to pay off now.

OP - what is difficult to get is that you keep moving the goalposts on this thread. You certainly did on your last one as well.

You are obviously very needy, immature and selfish. I would not be surprised if you are a 12 year old geeky boy who has been banished to your bedroom for the last couple of days and is having a laugh winding up Mumsnetters.

If that is not the case then, as has been said by many on this thread and the other thread, get an appointment with a counsellor IMMEDIATELY.

DTD - OP will have answer for your question as well... Maybe he put up the money but is never in the office (too busy decorating the new house) so she's done ALL the work for which he pays her next to nothing. Or summat like that.

Oh, cross-posted and I'm right!!!

What about your children?

You don't seem to mention them really. How is all this effecting them?

Forget the business and cut ties with this guy. Concentrate on your kids. You have wasted far more than time and effort here. Be grateful you haven't invested cash and get out. I suspect you are using the business as a way to stay attached.

Or you could be 12. Just as believable.

I am hoping for your sake that you own part of or have an interest in this business, and that he has not just USED your expertise to set it up with him for his own gain?

At the time of leaving your husband, he comes clean about this wife and child. Did you not think at the time the coward was trying to tell you something?

Please don't think I was having a go at you. I think you have been a bit naive (most of us have at some point), I just hope you can salvage something out of this in monetary terms, but most importantly are able to pick yourself up and find a better and happier life for both you and your children.

Mrscynical- honestly don't know why your being 'cynical'. I control all the finances in the business. I do the book keeping and basic accounts. NEITHER of us has taken a wage. He is there almost 7days a week. I work around dcs school hours.
And no. I am not 12.

We are both equal partners in the business and have equal shares.

The dcs have pretty much the same routine as before. They never really saw their dad much as he worked nights. They actually see him more now and definitely have a better relationship with him. We live near my family now too so they get to see them pretty much every day.

If leave the business I would have to move house and change dcs school too.

Keepcool- thank you for your advice. I know I need to move on and create a good life for me and dcs. It's tough clearing your head of things you had planned and thought of for so long.