Helping a friend or butting out?

[1Catherine1]

I have a work friend who has changed recently and I'm not sure what I should do about it.

She used to be quite happy, outgoing with a great sense of humour. We would spend each lunch time chatting and laughing. Then things changed.

She is suffering from stress - she has told me this. She is barely sleeping, she is finding the workload too much and there are other things going on outside work that she doesn't wish to talk about - I believe these are health problems but there is possibly something else too. This means being around her is quite difficult and I'm not sure if my persistence is an annoyance or a necessity. She barely makes conversation when I sit with her and any attempt at making conversation is met with one word answers or a vague responses. Occasionally she'll open up briefly and say she is stressed and I will see a glimpse of the person she used to be but then its gone again. Her whole manner towards me has changed - she doesn't even stop for the conversation any more.

I feel ignored or drained after 20 minutes with her because its so much hard work. Then this post isn't really about me. I will happily endure it if its for the best - if it will help her come through the other side. I just don't really understand what she is going through and I'm really worried about her. She is in her NQT year (New teacher for those that don't know), which I know is a hard and stressful year, and I know its end of term so everyone is tired. But this is more than that.

So, my actual question -

• What do I do for the best? Leave her alone to work through it but be there if she wants to talk to me - she doesn't at the moment. Or, Keep going in to speak to her and make conversation in a hope that it might do some good.

TIA

Have been keeping my distance for the last 2 days - she has got quite abrupt towards others, including me. Its like she is about to snap at any moment. I'm actually feeling quite anxious around her - its like she feels everyone is against her...

any insight would be appreciated tbh...

You're in a really difficult position because evidently, you want to do the best thing by her. However, without directly asking her, you can't possibly know, hence this cycle you're in.

It is possible that more than stressed, she is actually depressed. Depression had a profound effect upon moods, relationships, etc. Its not simple; you may need to ride this through with her, but that doesn't mean treading on eggshells around her all the time. There will be times to do things on her terms, then times where she might need help/prompting/leadership from you.

Maybe you ought to gently and kindly say something like 'I know you're feeling stressed at the moment, but are you sure you're okay? You just don't seem like your usual self. I'd really like to help you, if you need me to. I'm here for you, okay?'

You sound like a lovely friend, btw :)

I think it sounds like she is trying to hold it all together but seems not to be coping.

I'm a straight talker so would go and see her and say that I can see she is incredibly stressed and I am concerned about her welfare, that she does not seem to be managing at the moment but if she wants to talk that I am there for her. That it will be in full confidence. And if she does not want to talk to me, it's important that she talk to someone. Is there anyone that she can talk to?

Thank you for your replies. I'm going to see how she is after the weekend - hopefully she can have a relaxing one this weekend, which will be a first in a while for her.

I have already asked her if she is ok because she doesn't seem herself and she answers with an unconvincing "yea, yea, I'm fine"..

Have you told her that you will listen to her when she wants to talk?

You could drive the conversation, without questions, to what you think her problem is.
Sometimes it's difficult to answer straight questions, but some people start talking when they don't feel under the spotlight.

Perhaps a very meaningful "This time is all very stressful. I know how you feel. I am here if you need to talk. I mean that" Look into her eyes, mean it then go back to acting like normal. If you see what I mean. Be a tiny bit dramatic That way she knows you give a shit and can decide whether to take you up on you being available.

Maybe she doesn't want to start talking because she's afraid she'll crumble? I'd try and be cheerful and make normal work conversation. You've made it clear that you're there to chat if or when she's ready.

Can you go and see her outside of work. She might not want to open up at work

Thank you for all your replies. It seems I worried prematurely. She is back to her usual self this week which has been a massive relief. She says she was so stressed that she hadn't slept for 3 weeks but now all her deadlines are met and over for the year she is feeling much better. She assures me it was all pure exhaustion.

Thank you all again!

I think the thing you learn from this is that you give this friend a wide berth when she starts acting strangely.... don't let her problems drag you down. Did she apologise for her behaviour? Doesn't sound like it...