Am I being too emotional over this? (long)

[Rocklover]

DH and I have just had a stupid row and he has just hung up on me and turned his phone off. That in itself doesn't bother me too much, but it got me thinking, we are having a really hard time in our marriage at the moment and we are supposed to be trying really hard to make a go of it.

However, this week, as a teacher, he is on half term, Tuesday he went to help his mate house hunt from around 11.30am - 11pm, Wed he took DD on a planned trip to see PIL in London. He was supposed to stay overnight and come back Thursday PM, then he phoned yesterday and said he "couldn't be bothered" to come back as he had been helping his mate to move out of his rented house all day and was too tired. Obviously I was annoyed so he said he would come back on an early train (9.30am) on the Friday so I could see DD (have to go out this PM for back treatment). Now the phone call revealed that at 9.40am he has only just left his Mum's house, which means he won't get back until between 12 and 1pm. This may all seem trivial , but i feel like he doesn't want to spend time with me, I am a bit low at the moment (because of the way I was treated by him last yr, which he acknowledges) so I am not the best person for company. However, the last half term he virtually ignored me also by playing PC games all day and any planned outings were cancelled.

Am I making too much of this? He tries to make me feel better by letting me buy stuff, (cannot work at the mo), but, that is not the be all and end all. Feel like crap, PLEASE help me (be honest)!

Have you said "I want to spend time with you"?

Men are generally stupid, and unless you say things very clearly to them, they just don't get it. DH has actually said to me that he has no idea what I want (or why I'm stroppy) unless I specifically tell him.

I tend to be looking on the positive side, and am assuming that he just hasn't realised!

I know where your coming from, I would say you have to TELL HIM that you would like to be doing something together him and your dd over the weekend to make up for the fact that hes been busy doingothe things all week. If you dont tell him he wont know and you will just get more miserable.

HE is the one who is always saying we don't spend enough time together, we are living with my parents at the mo (in between houses) who are only too happy to babysit, but the only time we have been out is when I organised something!!

TBH I was ready to end it, but didn't for the sake of my DD and also DH has improved since we moved to my parents. However they all want to move into a house together (they get on very well), on the surface I look like I want to do this, but I am having reservations. My Mum knows this, but she desperately wants to move into a fantastic house we have seen and she has gone from telling me to leave him, to bigging up his recent good behaviour and now thinks he's father of the year! I am the kind of person who does need to talk things through with people but hate myself every time I talk to my Mum, because it is getting me nowhere and her stressed. What a mess!

Sounds like he is trying to get away from spending too much time in your parents house.

Sorry, I didnt see your last post.

Still, tbh though, it doesnt seen like a good idea you all living together.

You need time together to work through your problems. Agree that you need to make it clear what you want.

Are all men this useless at relationships? I suppose it's something we have to put up with; better the devil you know and all that.

ROcklover,

Re your comment:-

"are all men this useless at relationships? I suppose it's something we have to put up with; better the devil you know and all that".

No, they are not all useless at relationships but the two of you need to communicate with each other effectively. From what I am reading, neither of you are communicating effectively with each other It seems that previous issues re his treatment of you amongst other things (like cancelling days out and ever present PC usage) have not been fully resolved. You need to explain to him also that buying you things does not make you feel better, you cannot buy love. It is not something you have to put up with unless you are happy to let this situation continue indefinately.

Have you though about Relate counselling?. Both of you need to talk freely in front of each other and that's not going to happen with your parents in the same house as you both.

Bad, bad idea for you as a couple and the parents to live under the same roof. It can cause no end of problems. Find your own place and live apart from them.

I agree with what you say Meercat, but I am being swept away with a relentless tide of enthusiasm by my parents and DH. I have spoken very openly to my DH, in fact i had it out with him today and he couldn't see where I was coming from, just thought I was moaning for no good reason. It will be quite difficult to buy our own house, but I guess that putting DD in FT child care (although I'll hate it) would be doable for me to get work, although it will have to be quite cheap. I guess I just feel stuck, I though my DH was "the one" and I haven't really had any other serious relationships. I just feel that at 31, I live with my parents, have a crap relationship, can't drive etc etc and I feel like a failure. Maybe I just need a good kick up the bum, I find it so hard to be positive these days.

I really feel for you, and I think your parents should butt out. Living with family would be hard at the best of times, i.e. always someone else to consider etc, let alone when your own marital situ is less than perfect. Perhaps live with them on a temp basis until you can get a home of your own, but DO NOT purchase with them. You will be tied in and problems will arise. Start spending time with DH whilst the folks r there to babysit. Marriage is dam hard work, you don't need anyone else in "your space".