DP gambling... is this the start of a long winding road into debt?

[lackingimagination]

Hi, just looking for some advice please.

DP has always enjoyed betting. It seems to be something he has grown up with and all his friends do the same. For the last 2 years it has been max. £15 a weekend on horseracing, maybe £5 during the week if there's a big football match and for big horseracing meets he might allow himself a little extra. All fine so I thought, he/we can afford that and if that's what he enjoys then what's the problem? I have a shoe/clothing addiction

However, recently when Ascot was on for the week he told me he was going to allow £50 of bets across the week but he ended up gambling away £250. None of his bets came in so he just kept going in the hope of getting his original money back. He came clean to me on the Friday and was genuinely so upset and disappointed with himself. This was the first time anything like this had happened.

So... today comes and I get a phone call on his lunch break. He is in tears and asking me to help him and telling me he is so sorry. Turns out he had lost £600 on one of those roulette machines in a betting shop. He said he was walking back to the office and had a fiver in his pocket so popped in to put it in the machine. £600 later and here we are...

I struggle to understand, none of my family or friends are gamblers and I have never understood the appeal.

One of his friends has a gambling problem and DP will make comments as to how stupid he is, how he could never be like that etc. etc.

So for now, I have taken control of his bank account (this was mentioned after the Ascot ordeal but unfortunately we didn't go through with it). I will give him cash as and when he needs it. This is 100% his suggestion and he is completely happy with it. But is this a realistic way of living? Does he need any other help or can we 'nip it in the bud'? Any advice or suggestions very welcome.

Thankfully (and I am very thankful) the £600 loss isn't the end of the world for us. He hasn't jeprodised our wellbeing otherwise it would perhaps be a different story.

Are you sure he hasn't been spending more than that a week up until now? It sounds like it is getting out of control that's for sure.

To answer your question re the bank card- yes it is a realistic way of living. I've been doing it with my DH for 6 years now. He is a gambler and will blow whatever he's given, he knows he needs me to control it and rein it in.

It does cause arguements sometimes and can be a pain but if it's what we need to do for me to feel secure then so be it. He will still put bets on for the rest of his life, it's a serious addiction and I'm not sure it's one that can really be beaten. But if it's only his lunch money he's betting it's his own fault when he loses and has no money for food!

Your DP is being honest with you, which is brilliant. Most people with addictions will lie and scheme. My DH used to before we got to the final straw stage.

The best thing about this is that he recognises his problem and has sought your help. Recognition is the first step to recovery.

Good luck to you both

Your clothes/shoe addiction which you crossed out is small potatoes compared to the very serious problem that you are facing with regards to your gambler.

You won't like this but ultimately you may have to leave him. its not beyond the realms of possibility here.

He needs to be completely upfront about the scale of his losses, he is unlikely to fully know how much he has lost. They are always looking for the big win and perhaps he has made a promise to himself that once he hits the jackpot that's it re gambling.

BTW have you ever seen a poor bookie?. No, neither have I.

Apart from he properly examining exactly why he gambles and cannot walk past a bookies without going in, he needs to completely remove himself from his current lifestyle and friends. That is also something that he may well find impossible to do. He associates with people who gamble regularly and one of his friends is also a problem gambler.

Words are cheap here, its actions that count. Unless he takes full responsibility here for his gambling addiction and seeks help from the likes of Gamcare - without any input from you in doing that - there is nothing more you can do to help him.

You seem to be more in a parental role now, handing out money when he needs it. What if you find out he's using those funds in the bookies?.

You need to protect your own self here emotionally and financially because otherwise he could well bring you down as well with him. A £600 loss is likely to be the tip of a huge great iceberg. He also lost £250 at Ascot, this is all money that can be ill afforded to be lost. It all adds up.

Many gamblers do not recover from gambling addiction without help, he is unlikely to be able to stop on his own. You need support too and Gamcare do also take calls from people who live with problem gamblers.
You have a long and difficult road ahead.

Think about Gamblers Anonymous - for him not you! You're not his parent. You can't be responsible for stopping him gambling. Only he can.

It is insidious and horrible and yes, your DH is on that road. Taking control of the account and his honesty may help. However, he can get credit if he wants to and gamble that away. He needs some help.

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Is gamblers anonymous/something similar really the answer? After just 2 isolated incidences? Is it perhaps a little extreme? Up until these he has 100% kept it under control and sticking to the small limits I outlined in my OP.

He is genuinely distraught with himself. Perhaps this coupled with no access to his money for the foreseeable future could be enough?

BTW have you ever seen a poor bookie?. No, neither have I.

Couldn't agree more and fully aware of this. Up until now though I genuinely thought it was possible to bet/gamble cautiously and sensibly and it wouldn't be a problem.

Gamblers Anyonymous may Not be the answer as all 12-step programmes are based on superstition, nothing more. so they only work for some people. However, nothing will work unless and until he makes the decision to stop gambling or at least only gamble within pre-set limits.

Either start taking steps to end the marriage or protect yourself financially by making sure that he cannot get credit in your name, take money the family needs for food or make you liable for his debts. Take control of the family finances straight away - if he won't agree, end the marriage because it means he has decided to continue gambling.

He however, will never be able to limit his own betting because he cannot stick to any self imposed limit. This problem has also built up over time, he is still looking for that elusive big win and then he'll stop. Well that is what he probably tells himself; he won't stop though regardless.

And as I wrote earlier, have you ever seen a poor bookie?.

What, if anything, has he done today without any prompting from you to address his gambling problem?.

You are just seeing perhaps the tip of a very big iceberg; his gambling also likely predates your relationship. It started with him perhaps in his early teens.

How long have you been together btw?.

At the very least for yourself, you need to completely safeguard your own financial interests. I would also suggest you talk to Gamcare.

Ultimately you cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped.

Attila - as I said before I completely agree with you. I am fully aware of how lucrative the gambling industry is and this alone is enough to make ME stay away. DP and I have discussed this and he completely agrees, he has even gone so far as to say gambling machines, websites and apps should all be banned as they cause nothing but damage to people. And this is why I am struggling to understand how it has now happened to him. He can't get his head around it either.

HE rang me. HE told me everything. HE asked me for help. HE says he wants to/is going to stop. HE asked me to take control of his finances. HE apologised. No prompting from me, I just let him talk when he called me.

I am financially stable on my own so thankfully I don't need to worry about that. There is no way he could get credit in my name and I really believe he wouldn't go to those lengths at the moment. What upsets me though is that to a certain extent we work together with our money saving for holidays, bits for the house etc. I contribute more as I earn more (my idea, happy to do this) and so him throwing away that amount of money feels like a kick in the teeth even though it is his to throw away... iyswim.

I think some comments here are with the best of intentions but seem a little harsh on the person with the addiction. Yes, there are reals risks to families with any addiction but there are also some positive signs here for you Op. Now you know about it you can support him, and try some damage limitation like taking over finances. Get some professional guidance for both of you too counselling and debt advice (I'd get a credit history check done just in case) But when people say its up to him ..that's true but nobody can tackle these things completely on their own.I think admitting this to you must have been incredibly difficult and was an absolutely necessary first step.As long as you both realise the responsibility ultimately lies with him there's no reason why you can't work on it together. However you should also determine what is your bottome line..iei at what point you will stop supporting him/ leave whatever if things don't get better.You don't need to do that right now but somewhere down the line you both need to understand the crunch point so he knows exactly what he stands to lose

I would keep a tight rein/eye on this. 30 odd years down the line for me. Family home has to be sold to pay his debts. What more can I add.