feeling lost

[aglasstoomany]

following breakup of relationship, even though it was just 2 years. It could have become really abusive, but i didnt want to believe it. I got out. he was my first partner since divorcing my exH.
I feel lost, i was so strong before i met him, going for divorce, getting fit, new hobbies, which ive kept up. I thought he was an addition to my new start, but he became jealous, paranoid, started drinking and other problems surfaced. I then started losing my confidence, got dragged down and am feeling quite worthless.. like where do i start? where do i go from here? I feel so low, like ive lost my friend, even though i knew i couldnt be with him. Even after what he has put me through as times, ive still gone back. I guess its a time thing, but.... Im so sad :-(

I'm sorry you are feeling so crap right now and I guess it is bad enough at the end of any relationship but when it is your first after marriage it is all the worst.

I dont have much to offer in terms of wisdom but I will say this, you see so many women on here who dont manage to stop a relationship before the abuse starts and then find it harder to get out, lose all their self esteem and their self respect. You on the other hand have shown you are a strong and confident woman who knows her own mind and has the poise and grace to firmly show someone who could suck all the joy from her life the door.

That tells me you are strong, clever and a very far from worthless individual who had previously filled her life with health, fitness and a new world following a divorce. That world hasnt gone away, you can pick it all back up again and if you want to find someone more worthy of you. Give it a little bit of time and I am willing to bet this time in a week or two things will not look nearly so bad and that beautiful, fit and confident woman will be starting to look back at you from the mirror again.

thanks for taking the time to reply fltp, such a lovely post.
I saw a councellor after marriage breakup and she said lots of women find themselves with unsuitable men following divorce? get married again quickly etc.. Why do you think it is worse following marriage, is it because you end up reliving the hurt after divorce? Im doing that :-(
Ive literally dragged myself away from the relationship knowing he is abusive.. I was strong and confident, i now feel a mess..I feel guilty for going back and believe he became abusive because i couldnt do it... but i tried to end it early on and he was persistent, whereas surely healthy men would walk away and accept it? certainly not pursue it for over a year? (but my fault too for going back and not being strong enough.) I know he loves me so i was unfair? btw, i love him too, but he is abusive :-(

I can only speak from my experience but I think when a marriage starts to come to the end of the road, you fight for it at first and when you lose that fight you feel like a failure. I think in your first relationship after that (especially if there is love there) you dont want to feel that sense of failure again so it is hard to let go.

I was lucky with my relationship post divorce, we have stuck together (10 years now) but my word we had to fight for it in the early days as we both had expectations of the other which were unrealistic and there was many a time I wanted to walk out of the door. Frankly, it was the fear of facing the world yet again with the news of a failed relationship which stopped me, I didnt want people's pity or told you so attitudes and felt everybody would have been looking down on me (they wouldnt have of course but that is how you feel). I didnt have to deal with abusive behaviour but I can see where you are coming from and I think once you realise that you have done the best for you in the long term and it sounds perverse but there will be no better boost for your esteem and self worth than to know you are a woman who knows her own mind and how to look after and protect herself. To quote Steel Magnolias (a guilty pleasure film for me) "that which does not kill us makes us stronger" - actually, it was probably someone far more profound and deep than Steel Magnolias but that is what I am going with

A fresh beginning, wiser but not bitter, this time you spotted when things soured, it is a disappointment but you know not to settle, not to compromise to the point you forget what you learned earlier. It is a success story not a failure.

You know already you aren't responsible for another person's thought processes. This ex might try and shift blame onto you but he either dragged his own baggage along or evolved a whole new set during your entanglement. You exercised your judgment and you got off the carousel.

It doesn't stop hurting because you recognise the sting. It doesn't heal fast because you remember your previous recovery. I think you will feel better, sooner. It's a knock back not a knock out.