How do you cope when a friendship is not what you thought it was?

[DorisShutt]

I'll start by saying that I don't think I'm a nice person to be with, which may explain the following, but I'm really looking for advice on how I cope; rather than how to fix things IYSWIM.

Anyway, I was under the (apparently misguided) impression that I was friends with my BIL (DH's brother) as well as there being the duty relationship.

We used to email frequently with general chit chat about family stuff, talk on the telephone - often as a three way conversation with DH involved; but recently it's stopped. Dead. He talks to DH when DH phones, but he doesn't call to speak to DH and he's stopped emailing as well.

I've always treated him as a friend - actually more as a brother than a friend, and supported him through various events - most recently his marriage break up. I've only just found out that he has filed for divorce - DH thought that BIL would have told me, but he hasn't been in touch at all.

So, I'm resigned to the fact that the friendship has gone - if it was even there to start with and wasn't just me misreading the social cues.

I know it's not all about me, but it bloody hurts that I've lost my friend/brother. How can I accept this and move on?

Why don't you think your a nice person to be with OP? You sound nice to me.

It is possible that since your BILs marriage has broken up your DH feels uneasy about your close relationship with his brother? Or is it possible that your BIL has developed feelings for you so has backed-off?

I know I'm not a nice person. I have few friends (was bullied a lot at school) and so if I stop c

If he's stopped contacting your DH then it's probably him rather than you. Maybe he is miserable/ashamed following his marriage break-up and doesn't feel like talking?

If he is gong through a marriage break up he is probably pretty devastated and has a lot on his mind. He might be feeling jealous of his brother, who is still happily married. He might be feeling really angry and upset towards all women at the moment. He might just be so cut up that he doesn't want to talk to anyone except for close family. You really can't guess what's going on. Try not to take it personally, and be there for him when and if he needs you.

Maybe you could email him to let him know that you're thinking about him and care for him? Don't mention anything like 'get in touch' or 'I miss our friendship.' Just be supportive so that he knows he can get in touch if he needs to in the future. or when he's feeling better.

Perhaps he realised that his feelings for you are deeper than he thought and os he wants to limit contact?

Oops! If I stop contacting a friend for a few days, I get no response even if it would be their "turn" to contact me IYSWIM. I just don't think I'm very likeable, or I'm the one doing all the driving of friendships so people don't seem to remember about me. I'm the sort of person who, if there is a group sitting at a table either ends up at the end and isolated, or in middle not in a either of the two conversations going on at either end.

I would doubt BIL has developed feelings for me (I am very definitely not his type), and DH certainly isn't uncomfortable with it; it's not just me & BIL in contact, DH and BIL are in contact too so often conversations end up being between all of us. So I talk to BIL, DH will ask if I'm talking to BIL and ask me to ask BIL something and vice versa. What I would define as a friendship.

But it just seems to have stopped dead. I sent him (well, DH and I decided to do it) a jokey present last week (something he needed but didn't have so not silly, but done in a silly way) via Amazon but from my account but I've no acknowledgement about it - and we've checked the tracking and it has definitely been received

It's just hard. I know he is under no obligation to be my friend, but I honestly thought I was helping him and he liked talking to me. I've checked with DH and MIL and there are no odd circumstances that might explain it - sudden rush to hospital etc. I've just been ditched with no warning.

X-posts. The marriage breakup was ages ago - this is just the filing after the requisite time has elapsed for a no fault thing. He was (when I last spoke to him) looking forward to getting the whole thing done and dusted.

DH and he are still talking - it's just me that's out of the loop.

Maybe he just wasn't in the mood for a jokey present? Honestly, I think you are taking this far too personally.

I have friends who I mostly initiate contact with, and friends where we often don't contact each other for months at a time. It's just the way it goes. It sounds like you have really low self-esteem; maybe worth addressing this in some way, e.g. counselling or books on the subject?

Anyway, I'm clearly bothered by the fact that this has happened, but I know this is his choice - for whatever reason; I just need to know how to stop feeling so down and blue about it.

OP - you're just like the rest of us then!! I have plenty of unanswered text messages and can end up sat alone on a night out - it doesn't mean your not nice and people don't like you.

It sounds like he just wants some alone time. I separated from my H six months ago and still find it hard to talk about with certain people. Others no problem, I can't really explain why. Did you get on well with your SIL? Are you still in touch?

But you said "He talks to DH when DH phones, but he doesn't call to speak to DH and he's stopped emailing as well."

Maybe he's found a new girlfriend or some other all-engrossing issue has come up?

Sorry, I meant he's stopped calling the house, not DH's mobile. As I say, it seems to be me he's avoiding.

Why doesn't your DH just ask him next time they talk?
"Has Doris done something to upset you? She's a bit sad that you seem to have stopped talking to her."

Update: I got DH to call him and then asked him.

It is about the divorce and not me he's been waiting for ex-SIL to respond. I just got caught in the crossfire so to speak.

Ah at least it's not you. Hopefully you will get your friendship back.