Just to be clear, I have no plans to restart any sort of contact but I struggle sometimes with not having a father in my life.
My dad is an alcoholic, abusive paedophile. He abused me, he used to take my on scary drives with loud music playing and him swerving about on country roads. After my parents split he would turn up late to pick us up or not at all. He would give us alcopops like they were fizzy drinks.
He also instilled me with a love of music, art, food. He took us out exploring forests, rock pools, caves. He taught me to spell. He introduced me to the Tolkien books and Spike Milligan. He was always ready to sort out problems or just listen. We would dig for antique bottles. He taught me to be open minded about people and not discriminate.
He was like Jekyl and Hyde I guess. 
I find it extremely hard at times to put the two personalities together into the one person. I haven't seen or spoken to him for 12 years and I feel proud and sad all at once.
Anyone else in the same kind of situation?