Should I leave him?

[kittenmittens]

My partner and I have been together for just over a year and a half. I love him, we have fun together, we get on most of the time, and we recently decided to try for a baby.

This morning we had a big argument about housework and I told him to move out. I said I still wanted a relationship but one where we don't live together. He said that was impossible, he doesn't want that sort of relationship, if we didn't live together then we weren't in a relationship as far as he was concerned. I know he didn't mean it, I think he's just presuming he'll come home from work and we'll make up and things will get back to normal.

I'm getting so sick and tired of these arguments. It's so cliched and boring. He has a job he hates, manual labour, he's paid a pittance and he's always totally knackered when he gets home. I'm in the middle of doing a PhD. I work from home but I spend far too much time doing housework. Every day I do the food shopping, cooking, tidying, take the rubbish out, etc. I feel like he just sees me being at home and doesn't respect the fact that I'm supposed to be doing work. I'll cook the dinner and then the dishes will sit there all evening and I'll remind him before I go to bed that he needs to clean up and he'll get annoyed that I'm pestering him. Then I'll get up in the morning and the kitchen is still a state. He'll get pissed off that I'm pissed off when he gets up. His response is always "I can't deal with this shit now". I have to keep needling him because I can't let it go, I find it disrespectful. He then doesn't have time to clean up because he's late for work, says he'll do it when he gets home but of course I end up having to do it because I have to prepare lunch etc. This happens a lot.

Also I pay all the rent every month. He's always skint. He pays some bills but never on time, I always have to pester him, and sometimes I have to bail him out on those. He leaves empty beer cans and snotty tissues all over the place. His side of the bed is always a mess even after I put a waste paper bin half a meter away. I now refuse to wash his clothes and last week he cooked dinner every day because I refused. This keeps happening - things get a little better for a bit, but then slowly I realise we're back to square one again. It's an endless cycle of pettiness.

Although this all makes him sound like an ogre we honestly do get on in other respects. Years ago I was in an abusive relationship and then I was single for 7 years, during which time I couldn't let anybody get close to me. My current partner helped me a lot with trust and opening up and sharing my feelings etc. When we get on, we get on really well. We laugh a lot.

As for trying for a baby, I'm now having second thoughts even though this is something I desperately want. I've felt broody all my adult life but I've always put it off because the time didn't feel right. I'm in my 30s now and I'm scared that I'll never have kids because I keep talking myself out of it. Also after an ectopic pregnancy a few years ago I only have one tube so the thought of being infertile is weighing very heavily on my mind. Am I being pathetic? Am I settling for second best? I think maybe I am but I'm just too frightened to start all over again.

Sorry for lengthy post.

Good for you. Hope you're OK - it's been a hell of a day for you. But you've absolutely made the right decision - life really is too short to waste on shit, and your relationship did sound absolutely shit.

Way too many absolutelys there - sorry.

Use the couple days' grace to change your tenancy agreement. You're not rid of him yet.

Hi OP. While he's at his mums change the tenancy agreement. Your landlord should be OK if you point out that the rent comes solely from your income. Then you can change the locks. When he comes back, give him 15 minutes to get his stuff, and make sure you can get into a room you can lock. If he kicks off, don't engage, retreat to safety and dial 999.

Good luck with the PhD.

I'm a bit worried about changing the tenancy to my name. Is there any chance the landlord can just evict me, say if he doesn't think I can pay?

I do often have trouble renting because technically I'm a student, so agencies and landlords always automatically want a guarantor, despite the fact that I'm in receipt of a monthly grant (and it's more than I earned when I was actually working) and I'm in my 30s.

I can always point out that every single payment has come from my account, but I don't know how unreasonable he'll be about it.

Glad to hear you're doing so well, OP.

I'm a layperson, but as far as I understand it, it's basically up to the landlord. They can't 'evict' you, but you are essentially ending your current contract and asking to enter a new one - which they could refuse.

Do you have a good relationship? or is there a letting agency? I would treat it more as a matter of interpersonal relations / charm rather than something legal, if that makes sense. Get in touch with him or her, have a friendly chat about how your situation has changed, explain you love the flat and are happy to stay if they'd like you to. Be friendly and straightforward.

Remember, landlords find finding tenants stressful because of the costs and risks, so if you can emphasise that you are a good tenant, they should prefer that over a risk on the unknown. Unless they would like to take the opportunity to jack up the rent, which is what happens with every new tenancy agreement in London

He isn't a partner, he's a pet.

Thanks rootypig. The landlord is a bigshot with loads and loads of properties. I've never spoken with him, exp always dealt with him. When we signed the contract the landlord said the previous tenant lived there with his toddler, tenant lost his job and was a week late with the rent so he evicted them (!!!). He was kind of threatening us not to be late. I thought he seemed like a bit of a heatless bastard.

It's not looking good is it.

He has just sent me a text. He said he agreed with everything I wrote in the letter about being immature and selfish etc, but what I wrote about him being abusive made him angry (!!!). He said he'd be round tonight and we can talk, he'll sleep in the spare room. I text back to say that his behaviour was intimidating and threatening and I want him to respect my wishes and stay away. He text back saying I've got no right to kick him out it's his flat too, he'll be in the spare room.

I've put my key in the door so hopefully he won't be able to get in (it's a flat above a shop with only one door). I was convinced he was a nice guy and he wouldn't make a big scene but now I'm shocked. He's really showing his true colours now. I can't wait to be shot of this tosser.

Oh I meant to add, before we moved in the flat was empty for a few weeks, then the landlord pulled it off the market for a few weeks while he went on holiday, then put it back on. It's dirt cheap. I really don't think he's bothered about losing the income because he seems to be loaded.

kitten if you can prove you've paid the rent alone, your ll will be delighted that you can continue to cover it alone, he won't care as long as the rent comes in. Agree with pp who suggested you ring up and be practical, friendly and professional.

If the worst came to the worst, you'll be finding somewhere just for you without the depressing and life-draining chap.

Treat yourself to flowers, new duvet, nice supper. Clean the place with a light heart because it's only for you and you damn well deserve the best.

You're clearly an intelligent woman. You will not be alone for long, but enjoy some time alone so you know and love yourself better.

I wish you the very rosiest of futures!

I agree, change the locks.

First make it clear it is over. Then ask him to move out. Dont listen to any debate about it, repeat as necessary.

Then is he doesnt find anywhere, change the locks.

Men like this do not leave without a fight. Why would he? As far as he is concerned, you are a good bet- pay his rent, add to his general status and cook etc.

Also, in any space between the end and him leaving, dont do a single thing for him. NOT ONE. That is important, as it reinforces the message that you mean it.

By the way, high achieving women and low achieving me is a classic combination, and suggests sometimes that the high achiever was looking for someone to fix, which is a mistake. It is a feature with people who seek approval (ie often high achievers).

I did it myself, so recognise it.

A fat lot of good a PhD does with a weak, lazy man and a baby. Take it from me.

I had a lovely evening yesterday, all on my own. I did some tidying and hoovering and then relaxed in peace and quiet safe in the knowledge that I wouldn't have to deal with dirty socks and snotty tissues anymore. I went to bed in clean sheets knowing that when I woke up they'd still smell fresh (he soaks the sheets with sweat every night).

I had a wonderful day all on my own. Then when I was out shopping he was texting me, basically saying he'd be back after work and there was nothing I could do because it was his flat too and I had no right to deny him. He has revealed himself to be a bully now as well. I nearly had a panic attack in Tesco. I got home and now my good mood and feeling of peace and security has been shattered.

I shut myself in the bedroom. He came home and entered the bedroom. He said he knew it was over and he'd be out "in a week or two". I had an argument with him about it. He said he knows he's immature and selfish etc, and he knows it's over, but I shouldn't make things more difficult than they have to be. He doesn't want to argue about it. Also I said I doubt he's ever loved me, and the only reason he's gutted is because his meal ticket has been taken.

He told me I was cruel for saying that. So he's bullied his way into the flat, silenced me, and tried to make ME feel bad for expressing anger at the way he's used me for so long. AND he's got the run of the flat while I'm hiding in my room.

What a piece of work. I feel awful now, I just want rid of him.

onefewernow I think there was an element of that. On our first date he told me that he was a recovering heroin and crack addict. I ummed and aahd about getting into a relationship but felt that it would be unfair to not give him a chance just because of his past.

Perhaps in some sense I felt like I was rescuing him.

Actually thinking back, our relationship began around the same time that I started my PhD. I had a massive case of Imposter Syndrome when I started, I really felt like there had been an administrative error and I'd be 'found out' and kicked out.

Thank god you got your period!! I do totally understand your desire to have a baby and feeling like you are running out of time - but honestly, it would have been such a nightmare and you do actually still have time to have a baby either on your own or with someone lovely.

He is a bastard isn't he. If he scares you at all - call the police immediately.

Do you get on with his Mum? Could you call her and ask her to tell him to go home?

Do you have anyone who would be prepared to be a guarantor for you on the rent? You need his name off of the tenancy pronto.

Keep your mobile in your pocket at all times, do not engage with him, if he tries to whine at you say 'There is nothing to discuss, this relationship is over and you are moving out.' and walk away. Any aggression at all from him, call the police.

But please bear in mind that you can't change the locks on a rented property without the landlord's agreement.

I'm on my phone do this is a link to a search but you can find a change if tenancy names sample letter here (probably) www.google.co.uk/search?q=form+letter+changing+names+on+tenancy&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari

I imagine it happens all the time and is quite straight forward.

I don't see why you can't change the locks too. Tell the landlord you assume this is also straightforward, if he asks/cares. Obvs please tell me if I'm wrong.

I know chipping, when he was sending me those texts about how he has as much right to be here as me I was thinking thank god there are no kids involved, he'd be an absolute nightmare.

I'm still in disbelief really. I was very reticent at the beginning of the relationship because of my previous violent, abusive partner. But he was quite pushy about me opening up and 'letting him in'. Obviously, massive red flag there, but whereas my previous partner had been the typical 'charmer' type, flashy car, very sexual etc., this one was very 'nice' and 'kind' and, despite all his problems he was a bit pedestrian and tame in comparison. If you see what I mean? So he totally went under my radar. Only the other day I thought he was this caring, kind, funny guy who was a bit messed up. I thought having a baby would bring his 'good' side out and make him reevaluate his priorities (HA! what a fool!). But really he's a bully and a narcissist. Now that I've told him I know what he really is he's dropped all pretense. He's admitted that he's been using me and hasn't even apologised. This upsets me no end, but I know it's useless to hope for any kind of empathy or humility from him. He's probably incapable.

I don't think I can tell his mum. I lied to her the other week, she asked me if he was paying his way and I said he was. He has a very toxic relationship with her, and blames her for all his problems. He lived with her when he was using, and treated her terribly - stealing etc. He's put her through hell. I think if I were to tell her she'd probably not let him back into her house.

I'll just have to wait until Monday and call the landlord and hope for the best. If necessary I'm sure my mum would agree to be a guarantor.

It's usually in the tenancy agreement that you can't change the locks.

I don't think his mum would be surprised if you told her he wasn't paying his way and you were embarassed to admit it before. It sounds like she's very aware that he uses people.

I decided I was going to post here when you said that you had taken him back before and were worried about maintaining your resolve. I was going to say that if you missed him in a few months, you could have a friend to stay and ask him/her to refuse to tidy up, to leave snotty tissues around etc so that you could have a reminder about what living with him was really like and see if that reality check sorted out your feelings of missing him.

But now he's shown his true colours that wont be necessary. Well done for sussing him out so quickly. Concentrate on your studies, there's time to find a real partner who is worthy of having children with you, you are right that he would have been a nightmare 'father' - just more work for you with no help.

Given his history, I'd be fairly wary of what he was doing with all that disposable income. I mean, if you didn't have rent (and all the other things you paid) that would have been a lot of money, right? What was he doing with it all?!? Thank goodness you don't need to worry about that.

Good luck on getting him out. If you don't meet someone fabulous by the time you are worried about not having time for children, you can always go down the sperm donor route, being a single mum would be easier than having a manchild to care for as well as a baby.

This morning I waited till he was on the toilet, snuck into the room, and took his key and hid it.

We had a big ugly showdown. I told him he needed to stop being a parasite, and he had the cheek to tell me I was lazy. Apparently I don't do any work I just lie around doing nothing all day. He threatened to ring the landlord and said that when we moved in the landlord told him if we split up we'd both have to move out. Not sure if this is true or not, it might be. Anyway, I called his bluff and when he realised I wasn't backing down he became remorseful. He admitted he knew he fucked up, and apologised, then called his mum and asked if he could move in. He's taken some stuff now. He says all his stuff will be gone by the end of next week.

Hopefully that's the end of it. It's just so sad, he really could be happy he's got a lot going for him believe it or not, but he can't get out of this miserable cycle. I suppose I did see something in him and thought I could fix him. But now I accept that I can't.

Every boyfriend I've ever had has had a drug problem, and been unemployed or in a shitty job. Wtf is wrong with me? I must get over this weird rescue mentality.

Kittens - I hope he does go. Why not drop all of his stuff around to his Mum's this weekend 'for him'? I would. Don't be surprised if he does another U turn on this though :(

I would call the landlord on Monday, tell him that you have been paying all of the rent and you have now kicked your cocklodging boyfriend out and you need the paperwork changed. Do you think there's any chance he would have had another key cut at any time? Do you still have the key you took this morning?

You definitely need to either do a lot of self-help or get some counselling re your relationships and the men you choose. MN is actually as good as any counselling I think. If you were to start a new thread, in relationships, with an appropriate title lots of women would help you.

It's in the landlords best interest to keep you there rather than him, you've been paying the rent and why would the landlord want to go to the trouble of re-letting?

Some counselling for yourself would be a good move, just concentrate on yourself for now.

IME with ex users (family member) I think they often seem to stay at the mental age they were when they started using IYSWIM? Typical teenage lazy entitled behaviour as there's an inability to take responsibility. I'm sure this isn't the case for all ex users but I also see many through my work and there are many 40year olds who seem to think that nothing is ever their fault and can't understand that they do have choices.....

I wish you well with your PHD

I feel disgusted when I see people just say leave him that's evil

Youarepriceless: Don';t be ridiculous. Women don't dump lazy, selfish, useless men often enough.