Where to start. As I've got older/left home/had my own child. I've realised how toxic and abusive my parents were.
My dad is a full blown alcoholic. When we we children we were shouted at and smacked far more than was normal which as I got older moved on to being whacked round the head until I was dizzy, I get a headache just thinking about it.
My mum probably did her best, my dad just constantly put us down. I can remember bringing a picture home from school and my mum saying I could be an artist. And my dad saying it was crap and apparently that was to make me be realistic in life.
Has to reguarly listen to them arguing screaming and shouting, and my dad threatening to leave on Tuesday when he got his 'dole money'. They'd constantly talk and argue about money in front of us and I'd be worried sick as they'd say we were going to be evicted, or have to sell our things, or the baliffs were coming. My dad actually did sell things a lot when he was skint.
We never had any money, they never worked, I remember once having a new outfit for a school christmas party and it had to be taken back afterwards. I remember being promised we'd go on holiday to a caravan, and then being told we couldn't go as my brother and I would just argue the whole time so it was our fault. We were about 7 and 15 at the time.
We were never taken anywhere, cinema, swimming, even to the park.
My sister was thrown out at 16 after I watched my dad smack her around the face for sneaking around with boys.
As I got older my dad got worse, or maybe I just noticed more, but he started binge drinking, disappearing for days on a bender, I saw him vomit, fall down the stairs, lying in the road. We argued terribly and I'd get the blame for his drinking, my mum would even ring people and tell them he was drinking again because we'd argued and I'd 'wound him up'. Everything was my fault.
I used to scream that when I left he'd still be doing it and she'd see it wasn't my fault.
10 years on and We've all left home, my sister and I both went on to have horribly abusive relationships (surprise, surprise), my brother is following exactly the same pattern as my mum and dad.
I am still in touch with my mum and dad, they have apologised and admitted that they were shit parents. My ds adores his grandma and grandad but obviously in a controlled environment.
I do find it hard to tolerate them particuarly my dad, I'm able to come to terms with my mums behaviour as I can see now that she is an abused wife and I know she tried.
But my dad still drinks heavily, usually only on the evening but every while and it's becoming more and more he has these binges.
He has a massive heart attack 10 years ago and also start of liver cirrhosis, his health is in a bad way and I feel it's only a matter of time before I get that phonecall.
But worse than that he often goes on to rough pubs, he can get very aggressive when drunk and I'm scared he will get robbed, beaten up or worse. Apparently he has come close a few times and even his drinking buddies have cut ties with him.
He's drinking again tonight so now I will have another sleepless night with worry. My mum says she won't leave him because of the dog.
I just hate to see what's happened to my family. I don't drink at all my dad has put me off for life and I can't understand why my brother is choosing the same path. I just can't cope with the stress I have enough of my own problems to deal with. I don't think my dad could care about us at all or else he wouldn't have put us through this all of our lives. I think I only stay in contact because of my mum, but if my mum did leave him I dread to think what a state he'd end up in.
I don't really know what to do anymore, whether I should cut my family out of my life, or carry on as I am in small amounts. I don't think I can bear to get that phonecall.
If anyone has been through a smiliar experience and come through the other side I would appreciate knowing I'm not alone.
Thanks