recovering from an affair?

[tangledzebra]

I found out my (D)P had an affair approx. 6 weeks ago. I was reluctant to post the details at the time for fear of people (the OW) recognising me. Im going to change a few details as I still feel so embarrassed and hurt.

We have been together for a number of years and were serious and committed. We do not have children together but we both have children from previous relationships and always spend time together as a 'family unit'.

I found out that he had sex with one person on two occasions and kissed her on another. This does not excuse it in any way but every time he was v.v.v drunk and I know that she has been 'after him' for a while. (Reading this it makes him sound like a teenager! but he is a full grown man!) As I said this does not excuse anything and I am not being derogatory about her in any way. I am well aware that she has no loyalty to me and he did/does. He told me there was no communication in between. She tried to communicate with him and he ignored her. I know for a fact this is true - have seen texts and have communicated with OW. There are lots more details to the story which I have missed out but which make the occasions and background to it all even more upsetting for me.

Initially he minimised but he did open up and has told me everything over and over again at my request. I know there is nothing left to tell. We were going through a bad patch (for other reasons) when he did it and he has in no way tried to use that as an excuse and has accepted full responsibility for his choice to cheat and his behaviour.

at first I was so shocked and just wanted to be close to him and for it all to go away. but now I feel rubbish. so upset and so hurt. im not sure what to do. I feel disgusted by him and often feel an overwhelming sense of anger. he wants to make a go of it and genuinely seems devastated and as though he has made a massive mistake. Me - im not sure how I can get past this.

I suppose im interested in stories about those who have gone through what I have - does the anger come in waves? is it worth trying again? how on earth do I get past feeling so let down.

Sorry its long and thank you for reading x

So sorry this has happened to you. I didn't want to read and run, although can't post much as I have a really early start tomorrow.
There is a book called 'Not just friends' by Shirley Glass which is much recommended on here. I got it from amazon and found it really really helpful in understanding my 'wildly fluctuating and difficult to control' emotions. It made me realise that I had no need to blame myself/ feel ashamed of his poor choices. It also made me realise that my reactions were very normal, and I was not going mad!
I am three months into discovery, and recognise that there is still a long way to go, but am Beginning to see some chinks of light at the end of the tunnel.
Good luck, be kind and patient with yourself x

I can second the book. It has really helped me.

I'm in the same place as you. At the moment I have agreed to give it another go, but it was on the condition he told me everything. They say that the truth can't be as bad as what you've imagined, but I have to say he shocked me with one of his revelations. It did rock the rebuilding, but it would have been much much worse if it had come out later.

DH is now reading the book so he can understand how I feel, and what I'm going through.

Yes the anger comes in waves. It is normal, and the book explains this. My problem is when we're apart my brain starts ticking over and something will pop up and I obsess about it, if he was here I could ask him about it, but by the time he gets home it has taken on monumental proportions.

Is it worth trying again? I decided yes, as I found that I missed him when he wasn't here, so I must still feel something for him under all the anger. Apparently, according to the book, you can end up with a stronger relationship.

As for your last question - when I find the answer I'll let you know.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this too. Look after yourself above all else.

Always remember it is not compulsory to stay together. There are also plenty of stories form people who didn't forgive and who have gone on to have much better lives and I include myself in that category.

Thank you for your replies. I will look into that book.

It's just so upsetting and I really don't know what to do for the best. I keep thinking about what does it say about me that I am willing to accept someone who thinks it's ok to sleep with someone behind my back and lie to my face about it. I had an intuition that something was going on. I wish I had trusted that.

It's so hard to know what to do. Sorry to everyone else who has to go through this xx

Sorry you're going through this. I have been there and my circumstances were very difficult with dcs and he had an affair leading up to our wedding (we had dcs before we got married). I found out two days after my wedding but decided to give it a go as he had already finished the affair and told me everything. However I was very upset, angry and devastated at him. After the shock I focused my anger on him and not the OW which helped me as it was him that I needed to deal with, she was irrelevant really.
He did everything I asked of him, and we attended Relate, things did go well for a while but deep down I knew it was a deal breaker for me. I changed as a person, grew up and over time caught him out on a couple of lies (not relating to an affair, mainly money related) and that told me everything I needed to know, that I could never trust him again. We split up a year later.
We have been apart 3 years (I think!) and I am happily living in a lovely house with my dcs. Dcs are very happy and settled now and I no longer have to worry about the anger and hurt in my past as I'm not faced with him. My mental health is very good (I'm certain it wouldn't have been if we'd stayed together) and I am dating a man I can trust.
I don't know what the answer is, all I can tell you is my story. However I have friends going through this and all I want to do is give them a day in my new "shoes", to show them that splitting up is sometimes for the best and at the end of the tunnel it can be lovely. I'm not saying its better I'm just saying its good and I am at peace with myself.
If you decide to give it a go with him be honest with yourself, give yourself time to make a decision about your future, be empowered.

Thank you red- it really helps to hear other people's stories. That is my worry too that my mental health will suffer and after my initial shock I am starting to re-focus and believe that it is a deal breaker for me.

I have started to unpick who he is as a person and although I love him very much, I'm not so sure about his integrity and moral compass. X

Tangled, yes unpicking and re judging someone's behaviour is a very painful experience. I think I had my xh on a bit of a pedestal and bringing him down from that and re evaluating him as a person was particularly difficult. You are in love with someone and trust someone and then BANG it all changes. It is good however to re evaluate who they are, because everything has changed and they have changed and you have changed. However hard it is to face upto, things won't be the same again, whether you stay together or not. I think if you deal with things now, head on, you save yourself a lot of heart ache in the future.
I went to counselling on my own (after relate) and that helped me clear my head in regards to how I really felt about things and helped me focus on what I wanted for my life and my dcs. Being a single mum certainly isn't where I thought I'd be, my own parents divorced and I didn't want that for me or my dcs, however the alternative was living a life not true to myself and that..........was a far worse option!
The main thing to remember (and this really helped me) was that you don't need to rush into a decision. As long as you are certain he is not still seeing the ow, and not being abusive to you, you at least have some time on your side (if you don't have full and absolute proof it is over then ask him to leave while you make your decision).
He messed up big time, he can wait for you to decide on your future together.

Red- thank you. Your words have really struck a chord. I have felt so pressured to come to a decision either way and that has felt really horrible. I'm going to take some time to make the decision as I want and need to listen to my intuition. Thank you x

You take all the time you want. There isn't a deadline and you don't have to even announce or decide one.

My relate counsellor said that everyone should reevaluate their relationship periodically . Even monthly, in crisis.

Ask, is this still working for me? Can it be changed? Do I want to work on it?

You can do that whenever and however you want.

I found out on Thursday by accident he was having an affair we have 2 Dds and I don't know what to do. We have been "existing' for some time. He seems devastated wants to try to make it work, go to Relate etc. but am worried fear of being on my own is making my mind up to give him another chance. Am so sad and angry.....and in disbelief