Feeling torn...

[CookieDoughKid]

Due to a major trauma which occurred a year ago, my DH and I separated as we could not agree with each other or move on from incident. His family on the large part disowned me through no fault of my own. We have two young docs.

During our separation, I met a divorcee, someone wonderful and kind. We clicked and starting planning a life together. He is so many things my dh was not. He has dcs of his own but we did not yet meet each other's children.

My dh is moving abroad to America for a major work promotion and I feel compelled to join him primarily so that my Doc's can stay in touch with their dad.I feel there is a possibility that things can be rekindled in time with my DH but I have very strong feelings with this other man and think about him all the time. Meanwhile my dH is trying very hard at our relationship, we're doing couples counselling and his promise of this new job will mean a very nice life for us all.

I'm currently living as a single mum and working full time and that is hugely stressful.

I just don't know what to do and feel any decision I make will have huge consequences for my dcs.

What to do? Could you make yourself fall back in love with your dh? Or do I go with new man, have the whole step children +exes and all that entails??

Thanks for listening.

So you're having an EA?

I'm not sure what EA means. Forgive my ignorance! I guess what I'm really asking...is to those couples who have stayed together for the sake of the children, or stayed together because it was easier, when you both really have hit rock bottom...have you been able to rekindle real love AND passion? Or is that you are both coasting along and OK with where you - even though deep down, you feel you have compromised?

I feel I have met a 'soul mate' and I could make it work with him, and I'd probably lead a really happy life...albeit with all the step dc's and blended families to come (!).... However I feel it would be at huge cost because my dc's would not see their dad.

I think Glam means emotional affair. No experience of the other, sorry.

well you can't do both, either here or abroad.

You either ARE giving it your all to reconnect with your DH for your own, his and the DC sake or you are not...you can't be having emotional attachments and feelings and dreams of the other man AND trying your best to get through this tough patch and rebuild your marriage.

If it were me I would ditch the divorcee and the imaginary future and give it my all with the relationship I have. It may not work out but at least you would have given it your best shot.

IMHO the rebound relationship is unlikely to be as good as it seems in your mind and it is usually a better idea to spend some time single before flying to the arms of another even if things don't work out with your DH.

HTH

What does your gut say?

You can rationalise til you're blue in the face and add up all the pros and cons about your children and a fab life in the US and how hard it is being a single parent, but if your heart you know it's over then it's over.

You say though that you feel there is a good chance you can rekindle things with your DH and a new life abroad would be an excellent platform to do that.

Imagine yourself in 5 years' time. Where are you? Are you living in the US with a lovely house and DH and stable, happy children? Or are you as miserable as hell away from the UK?

Are you still with this new man? Have things worked out for you? Do you regret not giving your marriage another chance?

No easy answers I'm afraid. You have to choose and then commit 100%.

It is not an affair if OP was already separated from her DH and the new man is divorced.

Haven't been in your situation OP. But when you separated from DH, was it intended to be permanent? If DH weren't moving to America but staying here, would you consider giving your relationship another try?

Your DH also needs to take some responsibility for staying close to the children if it important to him. It is not all down to you and you also have a job/career here. You are considering "sacrificing" your happiness and leaving your job, friends and family so DCs can be near their father. Would he consider "sacrificing" his job promotion so that he could be near DCs? Is he putting pressure on you to come with him for the sake of the children? Does he know about your new man?

what was it that you found it hard to recover from with your dh. Maybe thats relevent?

Are you back together with your husband now, or still separated?

Taking the other man out of the equation, I would still be very wary of making a move abroad in your situation. Moving to a different country is hard and puts a lot of pressure on your relationship, and since you would be moving for your husband's job you could end up resenting him a lot.

He will most likely be very happy in a new, challenging, exciting job. Depending on his visa, you may or may not be allowed to work, but even if you are it will take a while to get your work visa organised. So you will be at home trying to negotiate the schools, healthcare system, etc.

Bottom line - I would not make an international move for my husband unless I loved him passionately and believed that he would make compromises for me in return.

Branleuse That's really important. My Dh's brother committed a sexual crime against one of my dc (who was just a tiny toddler at the time) and his family bullied me to try and keeping it quiet. Cue police investigation, cue lots of stress and I didn't believe DH defended me very well. Brother had therapy instead of a conviction as he was technically a juvenile.

Dh is now extremely sorry and he no longer speaks to his family he cut them out during our separation as obviously he has been traumatised in all of this).

pinkpeony - DH will go for his job promotion regardless. It's his big ticket/opportunity and even I think it's worth pursuing.

alarkaspree Bottom line is DH is going out of his way to make me happy and on my terms. But I don't yet feel passionately in love with DH.

Meanwhile, I look at Dh and feel scarred (also a reason why we separated - I don't feel attracted to him and don't want sex with him) and I feel too 'close' to his toxic family. ...which leads to where we are today, doing Relate counselling :) Perhaps being far away from his toxic family may help and I will feel more 'distance' from them. Even the mere thought of EVER being near any of his family is a pain. I can't and don't want to keep in touch and I don't want any of his family near my dc's. Ever.

My job is really stressful and I've kept it up but feel I'm close to being burnt out. I'm not married and don't want to get married to DH (which means I can't work as no work visa. I could get an internal job US transfer, however).

Where I stand is that, I don't want my little nuclear family to be broken and all that stigma that goes with it. I don't want my dcs growing up without their dad and I would not mind taking timeout to just be 'mum' for a little while.

If my DH is offering to take care of me and the Dc's and allowing me time at home for a few years, it feels to me like a lifeline! I would be alot more well off with Dh (who is even offering me a huge domestic salary).
My Dh and I are not back together but we have aligned family goals. I think we 'could' work given the 'right' conditions.

My Dcs are still young (under 6) so they could cope with new schools and life abroad relatively well I think.

With my new man, I do love him but also feel real passion and the sex is amazing. I'd be poorer and will always have to work hard (which I don't mind working, I always have worked) and then there are HIS 4 dc's (!) to contend with. New man is serious about marrying me but I do feel there are major unforeseen issues with step-parenting/blended families there.

I'm confused and feel really stuck.

[Confused]

I have no experience, but would say that your post sounded more positive towards re building you life with dh, if you were a long way from his family you could both work on being a lovely family together, you only seem to have good sex with new man and dreams. At least you know what life with dh is likely to be like.

I can't help with the decision, but maybe it would be a good idea to investigate positive stories of fathers who maintain long-distance relationships with their children, i.e. summers in US.

Also, think about your feelings about the wealth. I'm not saying money doesn't matter, it can relieve a lot of stress. But I would beware of your DH holding up wealth as a hook, even if you believe he would deliver. There are rich, unhappy people too.

I would say as you are not 100% certain do not go with your H abroad to follow his career just for the children.

You don't fancy him, you don't want sex with him.

Your family is already split, you are effectively a single parent and there is no stigma in today's society.

You could end up very isolated abroad. If it doesn't work out your H could withdraw the money and you would not then be any better off financially. You could be stuck out there with your DC or have to uproot them again to bring them back.

Take a break from both men and sort yourself out alone.

Has your dh started moving towards reconciliation since the job offer? Just wondering if he wants the job and the children but not necessarily the relationship?? If you split up abroad would you be allowed, legally, to return to this country with the children without his permission if you wished to do so? I would seriously look into this before committing to uproot your life. what if you said you would be prepared to think about going with him and joining him at a later date? if he's going anyway, you shouldn't need to make a snap decision.

I would also be careful about giving up your job and being dependent on DH while you are not married - if things go wrong and you change your mind and want to come back here, you might have a lot less legal protection (although am not a lawyer so don't want to advance myself too much).

What I would say is, look into your rights so you go into this with open eyes, if you do decide to move with DH.

And again, if DH weren't moving to America but staying here, would you decide to move back in with him and give the relationship another try? If the answer is yes, then it might work (because it's truly the relationship that you want to give another try). If the answer is no, then sounds like you are more tempted to move to "get away from it all" rather than because of the relationship/keeping the family together. And you won't be getting away from it if the relationship is the issue.

Offering you a "salary" to move with him is a bit of a red flag, IMO.

And again, even though it's a great career opportunity, if he decides to move without you and the DCs, that is his choice and his decision to move away from his children, not yours. But I have seen positive examples of fathers maintaining long-distance relationships with children (holidays etc.), so it can work.

Hi everyone. It's taken me a while to get back and update you all. I needed the last few days to really think things through and all your opinions have been very valuable. Thank you. I'm making baby steps towards foolonhill advice. My DH is making a lot of effort towards reconciliation. Taking me out to dinner, being really helpful with house and kids etc. Our Relate counselling is going well. My DH is showing deep remorse on his behaviour and we discussed situations where I've been let down in the past and what we can do to move forward and avoid a repeat. All in all...the right noises and actions from DH.

DH agreed to a 'separation agreement' should things not work out for us in the US. I'm thinking of financial assistance, buffer savings, his written consent to take the children back to UK and allow me the life/setup I would need to be on my own with the kids, from scratch. He's giving me the entire equity of our joint home, so it's not too bad as a starting point.

I've yet to research the legality of separation agreements from a UK/US standpoint (we are not married) but I think it would help a great deal to have it in writing and is a start towards my legal research on this. I'll probably post in Legal.

I've called it quits with other man. He did not take it well and thinks I've made a huge mistake. But I didn't think it fair to keep him hanging on for me and it's fair I give it 100% with DH. It's baby steps, I'm not going abroad tomorrow but whilst my DH is in the UK for his remaining time this year, we can begin trying again and making plans.

My DCs are very happy to have mummy and daddy together, that makes me really happy too. It's been really difficult but thanks Mumsnetter's for being there!! . Wish me luck!!

Without being married you can't move to the US on his visa, you can only visit for 90 days, the children can be on his visa as his dependents you would need your own work visa, non married partners are not recognized for immigration purposes. You have to be married.
Him writing you a letter saying you can take the kids back to UK if it doesn't work is useless once you are living here. Once the kids are residents and enrolled in school, doctors, etc he can stop them leaving the country.
Not trying to scare you, just trying to make sure you go into this with your eyes open.

Separation and custody are handled differently by each state, each has it's own rules.

Sorry I now see it's DH I was reading DP. So forget what I said about visas, but the rest stands.

Thanks squinkies. Appreciate the info!!

Cookie this is a tough one. 7 years ago my marriage was in a bad place, not as bad as the one it's in now mind you.
My H wanted to relocate transatlantic direction, away from my country of origin, where our child was born, (1 at the time) and from where my family reside.
I said no. I felt the relationship was too fragile at that time to sustain such a move, where I would have no supports, no contacts, no job, no social welfare entitlement if worst happened. I would have lost my independence entirely.

He blames me for his career not progressing as he wanted it to. I think he should have gone himself.
Our marriage is on the rocks now, and I'm still stuck with him but I have hope I'll get out and in not stuck in a house thousands of miles from home, dependent on him.

Good luck with decision - it's not easy, even without new man complication.