Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

[beingmyself]

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!

Thanks

[feelingvunerable]

My friend was the ow.
She has been happily married for 12 years now.
She doesn't have children though and he has lost all contact with his dcs as a result of the affair.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

June... Don't be silly, how on earth would I know? Only you know what your relationship was like. Of course the hitting wasn't your fault. Do you really need a chatboard random to tell you that? Get some help to deal with your feelings on this because they're seriously off the compass.

beingmyself... Decide for yourself whether to tell your ex-partner about the reason for the breakup. I don't see what can be served by telling him that you were having an affair. Just an 'I don't want to be in the relationship anymore' is enough - for either party. Why some people need to know warts and all is anybody's guess but they don't actually have the right to it. The relationship has ended and you are now able to build a life with your partner. I wish you well.

[nkf]

My ex has recently married the OW. They handled the transition in the following ways:

• pretending the OW was just a friend
  
• waiting to introduce her to the kids
  
• screaming blue murder if anyone ever hinted that the affair predated the end of the marriage
  
• saying the first marriage hadn't been religious and so didn't count
  

They seem happy.

[mrsravelstein]

my best friend's dad left his wife of 20 years for his OW, they've now been married for 25 years very happily.

2 of my close friends had affairs with married men. one now been happily married to him for 12 years and has 5 kids with him. the other happily married to him for about 15 years and 2 kids with him.

i was unfaithful to my exh, and have now been happily and faithfully married to my 2nd husband for 7 years. it's laughable rubbish to suggest that a person who has ever cheated can never be trusted again with a different partner.

[MoodyDidIt]

OP I personally hope that you and your man are able to find happiness together. Speaking as someone whose husband left me after he had an affair, it was difficult, but life goes on. He wasnt happy, i thought we were together for life, seems not.
All these people shouting about lying and deceit and never trusting anyone again, ignore them. You have to make a decision that is right for you. We only get one life and there is no extra time for being responsible for someone else happiness at the expense of your own.
It will be difficult for the children, but if their parents are happy, they will be too.
FWIW I think that not being open about the relationship is good as it means you are not rubbing your spouses nose in it.
We have a right to happiness and we cant responsible for the happiness of other people (adults). Look after yourself and your children and enjoy your new love

i came on the thread to say pretty much this ^^

good luck - you will need it! and i mean that kindly x

[happyyonisleepyyoni]

My dad's friend left his wife and child, who was in my year at school, for an OW in 1986. It was a major scandal.

They moved away, had 2 children of their own and are still together, 27 years on.

[AuntieStella]

The reason I recommend honesty is because affairs tend to come to light despite best efforts, and there is a real chance of a delayed discovery which will magnify pain. The new relationship is unlikely to grow healthily if it's still under full affair secrecy, and indeed I suspect that secrecy will be harder to maintain as it just won't seem so important now separated. A chance sighting might mean everything falls into place (especially if there have been any traces left behind).

[cuillereasoupe]

Two things strike me:

1/ I wonder if your husband would have been as OK with leaving you the family home if he knew you were planning to move someone else into it.

2/ You haven't even met each other's kids yet? Boy are you in for some fun.

[nenevomito]

You'd better hope that he finds the grass really IS greener on the other side.

That's the problem when affairs end marriages. Once they discover that its not all excitement any more and the day to day drudge kicks in, they go back to their wives - if they are dumb enough to take them.

[MirandaWest]

That is a good point about the DC meeting the new bf/gf - although XH was obviously seeing OW from when the affair started the DC didn't meet her until about 9 months after we separated (which was a year after the affair started). I also knew when they were going to meet her.

If you all move in together quickly I can see things could get more complicated. XH and I both do put the DC first as much as we can (and both have lives of our own too)

[nkf]

Lots of second marriages are happier than the first one. It makes me feel strange because for years, it was my husband and me, but it's true. Some people are better suited and they might meet when each are married. There is no guarantee though. No guarantee that the affair partner will be a good spouse, but then there's no guarantee that the teenage sweetheart will be too.

I would feel uncomfortable with it and I would hate to tell people how we met. But then I'm the brooding, overthinking type and it would taint my happiness a bit. I would feel guilty especially if there were children involved. But that's me.

I think the truly shitty thing to do is to say it's the ex's fault. And I know that my ex does that. I know he blames me for everything and is utterly dismissive of everything I am. I think that's shitty on our children.

[2cats2many]

I know several people who have had affairs and then gone on to marry the OW or OM. Only one ended badly. The others are still together.

Good luck to you OP. Some really vile and unnecessary comments on here. I hope everyone involved in this finds happiness.

[happyyonisleepyyoni]

It's very easy to preach from the moral high ground but real life is messy and complicated

[mrsmciver]

Yes real life is messy and complicated but affairs are very damaging to all concerned. The fallout from the parties that are left behind can be horrendous. The grief, shock and trauma to the person who has been left can be so damaging. They are left bewildered, not understanding.

You have to be honest, you have to tell the truth op.

[ExcuseTypos]

Yes life is messy and complicated Happy but that doesn't give you an excuse to lie.

I personally never 100% trust someone who's had an affair. If they can lie and lie again to the person they live with, fuck knows what they lie about in other areas of their life.

[AmberLeaf]

My Dad had an affair and then married the OW, they are well suited [more so than him and my Mum ever were], happy and still married 30 years later. I'm glad about that. Better that than it all had been for nothing.

It may go to shit, or it may work, time will tell.

Good luck OP.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Excuse... That makes no sense. Somebody you live with has more of an impact on your life therefore there is more reason to lie - and EVERYBODY lies sometimes.

People in the street? More distant relations? Friends? Randoms on a chatboard? Pfft - no reason to lie at all to them.

Nobody is perfect but it sounds like you have a criteria or a checklist. So... a cheater? 50% trust maybe - what about somebody who hit their former partner? 60% trust? Somebody with a gambling problem - or used to have one? 65%?

I trust people - to the degree I want to - until they give me reason not to. I'm rarely disappointed in people because I'm not expecting them to fail. We're all different, I suppose but these silly generalisations and 'judgements' drive me up the wall.

[Needtostopbuyingcrap]

You're a pair of rodents.
I hope karma bites you both on the bum.

[Leavenheath]

Personally, I don't have any strong views either way on whether relationships that started as affairs have a chance. That must be down to the people involved. I'd imagine that trust might be difficult and that it might be tempting to stick with the relationship beyond its sell-by date in order to prove all the doubters wrong, but I assume some of these couples don't blame their exes and former relationships exclusively and that at least some of these individuals examine their own ways of coping and ensure that if they are attracted to others in the future, they won't go down the affair route again. Because of course they will fancy other people in the future and assuming they are reasonably attractive personalities, others will find them attractive too. I suspect the ones who make it work are those who don't just assume that they'll never think 'what if?' about anyone else ever again, or that if their relationship is great, that threat won't be present again.

Overall, I'm always relieved when people who've been deceived for a long time get given the chance to start living their lives and meeting new people if they want.

But I have a real problem with people who having left their relationships, continue to lie about what was the final kick to them leaving. It's horribly shoddy treatment to lie to everyone in a life in the first place and to continue lying even after the event. Just like her last thread, this OP continues to delude herself about the motives for her and her new partner's actions, before and now. The reason for the continuing lack of honesty is as much to do with self interest as anything the OP claims- probably more, IMO.

As we've all seen on mumsnet threads and possibly in real-life, knowing that someone's been capable of lying and deceit can help people move on and realise they wouldn't want that sort of person back even if if it was an option. It gives people who've been in the dark some clarity and understanding.

To deny people you've once loved that opportunity is shabby and cruel.

[ExcuseTypos]

No, Lying I don't have a criteria or checklist.

I do however have real life experience of both my parents cheating and messing up the lives of 4 children. Both my parents cheated, both married other people, both carried on cheating.

I don't trust cheaters. I would NEVER EVER cheat on my Dh because I know that lying and cheating cause ramifications for children. I found it very difficult to trusted my father or mother again, because of the lying.

[Laquila]

I am baffled by the posters making sweeping generalisations that amount to saying that ALL the children of parents who have had affairs will ALL be horrifically damaged and would be better off if their parents stayed together (regardless of the awful environments that might mean that the children get raised in). I just don't understand how this can always be true.

I remember a lady I used to work for saying that as a 12yr old, she felt the most incredible relief on hearing that her dad was having an affair as she knew that it meant her parents would split up, and that she and her siblings wouldn't have to endure the toxic atmosphere and traumatic home life that they'd been subjected to for years. Her dad went on to marry the OW, she got step-siblings on both sides (her mum remarried) to wom she is now very close, and was always very very grateful that her parents hadn't stayed together "for the sake of the kids".

As a previous poster has mentioned, OP you would be well-advised to ignore those hurling abuse and muttering darkly about karma, and to focus on doing the best you can to ease the path for you and your new partner's children. Good luck.

[juneblues]

I think ExcuseTypos' statement says it all. Children get hurt in these things. Children turn into adults. Our jobs are parents is to ensure that the amount of negative baggage from childhood into adulthood remains at the smallest level possible. When you enter a relationship and when you have children, you become responsible not just for yourself but for others. You all depend on each other. Children will get hurt when an affair ends the relationship between parents. With that in mind, people should think of their actions and responsibilities.

[fackinell]

FFS!!!! Not another one. I seriously need an OW filter!! Here, have a

[ExcuseTypos]

Laquila I don't think people have said that anywhere.

If a marriage isn't working of course you should separate. It should be done in a calm, measured way to ensure the least upheaval for the children.

What people on this thread do not like is when someone lies to their partner, decides their marriage is over, then lies again to cover up the previous lies and the affair. That is shit behaviour for all concerned.