Moving from being the OW to being his girlfriend...

[beingmyself]

I've got my flameproof suit on and will start by saying I know being in an affair is a selfish and cruel thing to do. I did it. He did it. We decided we wanted to be together so after having an affair for several months we both left our spouses. He has moved out and so has my h.
We are not living together though and are not intending to for a while. We are also still secret and will remain so for some time.

Is anyone who has been there brave enough to come and talk to me about the highs and lows of finally getting to be together? I knew it would continue to be a rollercoaster and would really appreciate anyone who's willing to talk about it with me to do so here or to PM me!

Thanks

[Sparklysilversequins]

Test should have been Twat btw.

[MirandaWest]

As someone whose XH had an affair three years ago and is still with his girlfriend now I think it can work. And seeing as she is now part of the DCs life I hope it does work tbh. She has DC as well and although they don't live together yet (they live a couple of hundreds of miles apart) I'm sure they will at some stage.
I suppose I have accepted that our relationship did Peter out and although I would have preferred it if he hasn't had an affair as it was very shite of him the overall result is probably better for everyone. And that includes my DC as well (can't actually comment on hers).

[beingmyself]

If it sounds like I am whitewashing and being fluffy I apologise.

I do take the whole thing extremely seriously - especially the children.

However - I am happy. Really happy. And although I don't know what the future holds, the uncertainty of where I am now is a whole lot better for me (and DCs I believe) than the place we were before separation.

Of course I don't know my new partners' kids and him and his ex will be best placed to support them, however from what I hear they seem to be doing very well with the separation. They are no longer living in a row filled house and will hopefully benefit from having happier parents who don't live together as I hope will be the case for my DC.

This thread has turned into me justifying myself which was never the point so I think I will bow out but would really like to talk to anyone who's been in the same boat so do please PM me if you have!

[cooooodle]

young No I never worry about that. Not for a minute. Our relationship is genuinely good, and he is a very decent person (probably the best, kindest person I know). We probably would say that we are soulmates, but neither of us believe in the concept in a cosmic sense of the word.

[AintNobodyHereButUsKittens]

Why is everyone assuming that since the OM cheated in his wife he will also cheat on the OP and leave her. Surely by the same logic she's also "once a cheat always a cheat" and has a vacancy for another man? Is he more likely to cheat first just because he's male?

[expatinscotland]

Yeah, so much better for all the children involved. NOT.

[expatinscotland]

She won't tell her spouse. She got him to move out, fgs.

[AuntieStella]

Yes, there's a huge risk that either/both (having used an affair as an exit once) would in future turn to a third try rather than to partner/spouse when dissatisfied with he primary relationship. Especially as they appear to have gone straight to each other, with no period of single life in between to reflect and to process what they have learned from the first marriage.

I think you need to be out in the open about being together. You are still lying to everyone. That is a bad place to be.

[LineRunner]

I feel that the children are collateral damage in this joke of a relationship.

[SoTiredAgain]

You know what? I think you need to bite the bullet and tell your husband that you had an affair. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, there will be fall out but I can't get my head around how you can still lie about it to everyone, including your children. With your children, it would be age appropriate, of course. You are giving everyone false hope, especially your children.

How long are you going to keep it secret for? You say you are doing this partly for the children. So, is it 6 months, 1 year? 2? Until the children have grown up?

And lastly, how can you have a normal relationship with him if you are still secret? The everyday mundane stuff. What about going out and things?

[SoupDragon]

you'll never be able to fully trust him

That's OK because he won't be able to trust her either.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I really like GlamorousGranny's post.

As some posters have pointed out, they are bitter because of what has happened to them. The affairs were not of their doing but relationship breakdowns are the 'fault' of both in a couple. Bitterness clouds judgement and I think OP that you should just ignore the posters berating you. Your thread was perfectly clear and some posters seem to leap on these threads just to attack.

I've been where GlamorousGranny is, a partner cheated on me, left for OW and they've been together a long time. It was very sad to begin with but I didn't see why I should carry that around with me forever, I wanted my own life to recover.

I think it was Confusius who said, "If you want revenge, better dig two graves". Karma, if it exists, bites revenge-obsessed people just as often as others and I think the trite terms and sayings should be disregarded. The worst one is the 'vacancy', untrue. Painful as that may be to revenge-seekers, it's not true. I don't listen to these rubbish sayings or accept them and I'm happy in my soul just the same.

You've ended your respective relationships and the rest is up to you both now.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

... and who the hell is anybody here to say that he will never trust you nor you him? Some people are impossibly smug - and deluded!

[juneblues]

Thanks for the reminder breakdowns are the fault of both in a couple. Thanks for telling me I was at fault for my husband beating me up. My own FIL told me that too. So tell me, what makes me at fault?

[PostBellumBugsy]

I can't give you any advice - but here are some real life examples of relationships like yours that have worked.

My ex-H left me for the OW. They have been together ever since - so for 8 years now & have two children together.

My boss left his ex-wife for the OW and they have been together for 7 years & have two children together.

One of my girlfriends is with her OM and they've been together now for 15 years

My ex-H's best mate left his wife for the OW. They've been together for 9 years and have one child together.

My ex-H's Mum left his Dad for the OM and they were together for over 30 years until ex-H's step-Dad died.

As far as I know, none of the above were serial adulterers or cheaters and have all gone on to have successful long-term relationships with the Other Person.

It really bugs me that the people bang on about the leopard never changing its spots, creating vacancies etc etc. I think it only applies to a small number of cases and perpetuating such myths is not helpful.

[TheOwlService]

Some posters may not agree with what the OP has done but why all the bad language?

No need.

[TheOwlService]

PS There is no such thing as Karma "getting you". Another myth regularly perpetuated on this forum.

[onefewernow]

The only too I have is that you should not expect your children not to lie. Since you do, and still are.

[Imnotscareditsonlytheinternet]

You take it seriously? There are children? So what about their feelings? Not just the partners left behind?

God help you.

Your poor children.

Some people just cannot put the needs of others before themselves and when you put the needs of yourself before those of your children, then I shake my head in disbelief. Don't try and justify your actions by claiming the children will be happier. I just hate it when people say that. It's the ultimate cop-out to dampen the guilt at knowing you've changed the lives of others for your own personal gains (which may not be).

It's great you're happy, and in the mean time, all those children, partners, ex partners, all those affected by your decision to do something that makes you happy.

God help you.

Firstly, I am very sorry that your H hit you, NOBODY deserves that and you did nothing to make that happen.

Serioulsly though, do you think people should stay in unhappy marriages, just to keep everyone else happy?

[prism]

FWIW Mrs Prism and I are together because we had an affair. Well, I had an affair- she wasn't with anyone else. I have been through a lot of opprobrium, some of it imagined, some of it real.

It would be nice if people who are dead miserable in their relationships could simply say "I think it would be better if we parted" and got on with that, before getting together with someone else; but in the real world that is not always, or even often, how it happens. I wish I'd had the courage to do speak my mind, rather than have an affair, but the end result would have been the same.

My ex and I now get on pretty well, having had a number of the conversations we should have had a long time ago. Neither of us wishes we were still together, but we managed to be parents to our DD without rancour.

For the record, my ex has just divorced her third partner (and second husband) since we parted, while Mrs Prism and I are still together (12 years later). She is a very good step-parent, as I think I have alluded to here on MN before now. I've become a better parent because of having to take her views into account (which are sometimes better than mine).

I know one or two really good parents and step-parents who got together though infidelity, and this idea that the way you got together taints you as an individual or as a couple for ever, is rubbish, in my opinion. If you are happy together, there is no reason you can't be just like any other well-suited couple, and woe betide anyone who suggests otherwise. Judge not, lest ye be judged.

[PostBellumBugsy]

Good grief, onefewernow - are you seriously trying to suggest that you've never lied? You've never pretended to enjoy a meal prepared for you that you didn't like, you've never paid a compliment that wasn't 100% genuine, that you've never made up an excuse for why you were late / didn't make an appointment etc. Really?

[AuntieStella]

There's a world of difference between little lies to spare the feelings of someone you care about, and whopping great lies to initiate and sustain a major betrayal of someone you no longer care about.

OP: I think you need to ditch the lies,a nd come clean about why the marriages ended. The keeping of secrets is corrosive. And chances are it'll all come out. Better get it done with, so that everyone can move on with healing.

[mrsmciver]

I don't want to jump on the bandwagon here, but i think it is best to be truthful. Your ex partners may be left wondering what is going on, the turmoil they will be in will be horrendous.
At least let them know, why the secrecy?
My husband left me 10 weeks ago after I found some e-mails about him and another woman. I don't know if there is something going on or not. It is not fair to either of your partners to not let them know.
You owe them that much.