Very long rant about family

[browneyesblue]

I am very pregnant, and have to go into hospital as soon as labour starts. My closest family (dad) lives 2 hours away.

The original plan was that a friend take DS (3) when labour begins, then my dad could pick him up and take him back to our house when he arrives. We are also in the middle of a lot of major works in the house, which my dad kindly offered practical help with.

About 3 months before my due date, my dad casually lets me know that my sister will be visiting him from overseas for a month, but that she will be leaving almost a month before my due date. My sister and I are estranged, and have not spoken for over 8 years - I like it like that, and my life is calmer for it. However, I know this means that my dad will not visit during that month, and so will be limited in the practical help he can give on the work around the house. Not a problem.

2.5 months before my due date. Dad tells me he is now going to fly 8 hours to visit my sister for a month, before she visits for a month. Apparantly she needs some babysitting (!) while her DH is away with work. This is not the first time he has travelled to her to babysit, and she is also not short of babysitters/help/family where she lives (just to give it some context). So now I know there is no real chance that he is going to follow through with any of the practical help he offered. Still, not a problem. After all, what's most important is that he'll be here to look after DS .

My dad arrives back in the UK, and I see him during the 1 week he has free before my sister arrives. He is full of useful bloody advice such as me taking things easy, not working too hard, and resting more - really helpful, unless they have suddenly invented another 12 hours in the day. I work full time (self-employed), have a 3 year old, am trying to help DH as much as I'm able with the (essential) work that needs doing around the house. Honestly, even thinking about how knackered I am could set me off. On top of that, I'm at the hospital 2-3 times a week for monitoring as I'm at risk of pre-eclampsia, my baby is on the large side, and I've just developed sodding gestational diabetes. So yes dad, thanks, I'll just take your advice and rest.

A couple of days later (still before the arrival of my sainted sister) I get a phone call from my dad asking what day the baby will be here. He is not ignorant to the mechanics of pregnancy or childbirth, and he is absolutely not referring to a planned induction or c-section. He KNOWS that you can't predict when labour starts. He is also aware that DS was a bit early. My brain was obviously working quite slowly, because it took a little while to register what was happening. He was trying to pin me down on an actual date that I would "need him". He then drops into conversation that my sister will not be leaving until close to my due date. I tell him I have no idea when I will have the baby, that labour starts when it starts, and remind him (as an example) that DS was a couple of weeks early.

"Oh", he says. It then completely hits me. The point of this conversation is for me to somehow try and fit giving birth around my sister's visit. I finish the call as quickly as possible, so that I can explode.

Since then, I get the odd email (because he would never dare phone while my sister is there) asking if I know what date the baby is arriving yet. I have since been told by the hospital that I will be delivering early (something I am not thrilled about), so have let him know that it will be within the next few weeks (while my sister is still here). I don't know when though, and find it stressful that he keeps trying to pin me down on a date. Meanwhile, I have had to impose on friends who have already done so much to help me that I hate asking, and have hopefully cobbled together alternative care for DS. I hadn't yet told my dad, and he emailed to suggest that I sent DS to go and stay with him (and obviously my awful sister) while I had the baby. He has only ever watched DS 3 times in the past, always at our house and never for more than a couple of hours. The idea that I would send DS to him, and my frankly toxic sister is ludicrous to me, never mind the fact that DH and I would never want DS to feel that he had been 'sent away' just as the new baby arrived. His plan would also still rely on me knowing in advance when the baby as arriving too. Oh, and he also mentioned that he would be taking my sister and her children to France for a week or so, during the time that I could possibly have the baby.

So I am ranting about this here, rather than my head exploding all over again. He went from offering to help with the work around the house and looking after DS, to completely bail on me to visit with my sister. He couldn't have made himself less available! I have now told him that I have made other arrangements, so he just hasn't mentioned it again, and emails (occasionally phones) as if everything is normal, but I am seething. I'm sure the hormones don't help, but I am so pissed off and he is just having a lovely time with my sister and her kids.

I have to take DS out now, but will be back later to receive my stern talking to/advice on dealing with the volcanic fury that keeps building.

You need to essentially give your Dad an ultimatum. Send him an email explaining how stressed out you are. Say that as a [insert age] year-old man, he should know that having a baby isn't like checking train times. You need to know whether he will be available for you in [insert time frame when likely to give birth]. Tell him you understand your sister is over and he wants to spend time with her, but actually you need him more right now and need to be able to rely on him to look after your son. Explain that if he can't promise to be fully available for you in your time of need, you need him to stop badgering you for times etc because it is really stressing you out.

Good idea from waddlecakes.

Without adding to your anger, completely understandable, is your sister meddling and twisting your dad around to make things difficult for you?

If I were you, I would tuck myself right back in where the family are concerned. It reads to me as tho you need loyalty from your Dad, and he is not providing it. He is sitting on the fence. Not knowing the ins and outs between you and your sister I would refrain from comment, but in reality would probably come down on your side.....so you need your Dad, probably for genuine reasons, and he is not there for you. Therefore I would tuck my needs right back in where he is concerned and take them elsewhere. Hard to think of when so pg but that's my advice. You are trying to build a solid structure on quicksand. Stop. move your structure because you need it to be secure nd only y ou can tell where that place will be, based on your feelings and experiences.
X sorry this is happening now.

I would write your dad off as being any help. Whether your sister has had a part in that, I don't know but to all intents and purposes it doesn't matter. He isn't going to come tthrough for you on this occasion. I'd ignore his emails, or just say you have made alternative arrangements. And make some alternative arrangements with friends/CM/emergency nanny.

I'm back - sorry to vent and run like that.

To be honest, it's now a given that he won't be looking after DS. I'm just so annoyed at the fact that he has completely backtracked without actually coming right out and saying it. It feels like he offered, then something better came along and he hasn't even had the good grace to come right out and say that he isn't going to help out anymore - he just threw up obstacles, waited until I managed to find someone else to help, then hasn't mentioned it since. He's acting like everything is normal, when in fact I'm seething every time I have contact with him.

I find myself walking on eggshells around him as he has been so bloody fragile since my mom died (2005), but I miss her too and infact get even more upset when I think about how much I could use her help right about now. He told me a few months ago that he was feeling anxious, and that he found my pregnancy (the problems I was having with it) stressful, although it was after this that he made plans to look after DS. The result of that being that I haven't felt able to tell him about the health issues that I've been having recently.

I have no idea how much or little my sister may be involved in this - I haven't had anything to do with her at all in years. She may have changed, or she may still be the screaming nightmare she was. All I can say is that the timing and arrangements made by both of them couldn't have been worse for me.

As an aside, my dad was there to help my sister when she had all 3 of her children. He looked after her eldest for the first 5 years (including when my sister buggered off to a different country with DC2 for a year to be with her new husband), was there for her DC2's birth and went to stay and help her after she had DC3. This latest trip overseas is also not the first time that he has gotten on a plane (sometimes at very short notice) to babysit for her. The comparison to my situation now makes me feel so stupid for thinking that he would actually just look after DS while I was in labour.

I like the idea of finding a way of saying "stop badgering me", but I'm not sure it will come up again now that I've let him off the hook.

I've tried my hardest over the years to not put him in the middle of me and my sister, especially as I know how important her DC are to him, but I fear all I've done is make a doormat of myself. For example, he always has an open invitation at Christmas - it's a relaxed affair here, so one more or less makes no difference to us. In reality, what this means is he'll come for Christmas if he hasn't made plans with my sister.

Quicksand describes the way I'm feeling about things very well. That's part of the reason I feel so bloody stupid - it didn't cross my mind that he would let me down for this one thing.

Can you tell him that he has let you down? It feels like he has persuaded himself that everything is OK. Perhaps he needs telling. Politely, though.

I'm afraid I can't wave a magic wand but just wanted to offer some sympathy and empathy as I have more or less the exact same issue with my mum (my dad is dead and I miss him terribly).

It's so unbearably hurtful when (even as an adult) your parent continually favours one sibling over another. I don't want to be the "best" or the favoured one, I just want my mother to show some interest in me and my children. I have an almost 10 year old who's never spent so much as an hour in their grandmother's company on her own - yet my (estranged) sister's children (2 of them) have frequently spent the weekend with my mum. My older (now adult) child has been "babysat" by my mum 4 times in his life - 3 of those were when my dad was still alive. I worked F/T as a single mum, never asked for help except in extreme (usually serious illness) circumstances for literally a day or two (3 times in 9 years) - guess what - retired mum couldn't help - yet looked after my sister's kids for years for 12 hours every week so my sister could do her P/T job Have regularly asked my mum to celebrate my youngest's birthday - but as it is very close to sister's oldest birthday her celebrations always seem to take priority. Ditto Xmas - sister's plans/wants come first. My mum came to "help for a few days" after my oldest was born .... she lasted one night and went home - I was truly baffled, no explanation other than "I think I'll go home now". I could go on and on but don't want to hijack your thread too much.

Your situation is awful - a birth is hardly an everyday occurrence, and to lead you to think he cared enough to offer support was very wrong. It would have hurt far less I think if he'd never "committed" in the first place rather than being insincere. I really can't think why your sister would need him more at this particular time .... but if he's anything like my mum, perhaps he's "scared" of upsetting her ? Not that knowing that makes it any easier - it's quite a blow in fact to realise your parent prefers to upset you rather than dare to say no in some respect to your sibling - even though what's usually being discussed is something so ordinary that most normal people wouldn't turn a hair, for example, taking it "in turns" to celebrate birthdays each year with alternate grandchildren. In your case, no-one in their right mind would object to him coming down to yours - and, shock horror, leaving your sister alone to fend for herself for a few days - so he can look after his grandson while you're in hospital.

I'm sorry too your dad can't be straight with you. All this badgering is, I think, him looking for a "reason" why he can't help after all. He knows damn well a baby can't be held to a calendar - but of course if you state a particular date he can then say "oh no sorry, can't do then" .... which he'd probably say to any date you suggest now. And that means he's somewhat off the hook - because he can pretend to himself that he would have helped had the dates been different - instead of being honest and admitting that he's let you down badly and is being very cowardly about it .... won't speak to you directly because he knows there's no reasonable and rational explanation, and that the only possible conclusion you can draw is that he either prefers your sister to you and/or is scared to be seen to "prioritise" you - even though having a baby is the one time a woman should be prioritised!

I agree he needs to be told he's let you down and you feel very upset as there appears to be no good reason for doing so. I do however appreciate how difficult this is. I still haven't confronted my mum about how let down I've felt for years and years, and as time goes on, it becomes harder to contemplate as she's getting older and I don't want to be upsetting an old woman (arguably, who has all her faculties). I'm glad at least you have the support of friends - I'm sure if you told them what's been going on they won't mind in the slightest if you do ask more of them.

It's a hard situation, but I think you've done the right thing by cutting him out of arrangements, you don't need that extra stress.

Do you think he realises what he's doing? You could gently point it out to him - say something along the lines of, 'it's a shame, we were expecting you to help around the house as you'd offered, and to be here for us.' Just point it out to him. He's tough enough to pressure you into giving him a due date and so on so I'm sure he can take a bit of feedback about how he's let you down. Up to you though, I know it's hard to change dynamics like that.

It sounds as if your sister is much harder work, more demanding and he is more in a position of dancing around her, and used to doing that. Whereas maybe he thinks you're more laidback, more capable e.g. having an 'open invitation' at Christmas, so he doesn't need to be quite so attentive. He may genuinely not realise you are upset and perhaps your sister is manipulating things and saying, oh, she'll be fine etc. My own sister is like this - she has a way of sucking all the available energy in the room and hogging it for herself and no one seems to notice what she's like apart from the people being ignored - she can be very charming and manipulative to those she wants to feel special.

Anyway good luck with it all. It is really hard when you seen how people you thought you could rely on let you down at such an important time.

He knows exactly what he's doing and he's trying to not upset your sister at your expense. When he emails again, I'd be tempted to email back. Dad you dropped the ball and I'm very hurt by this I need some space now so I can calm down before my baby is born, sorry you don't see us as important at all and would rather socialize with sis and her kids (who you are there for at the drop of a hat) I'll talk to you again when I am feeling stronger. Then leave it a while and concentrate of the new baby,

Squinkies has it right, that's just what I'd say to your dad too.

Try to not feel bad about asking friends for extra help; they like you and want to help. Think about how you'd feel if a friend asked you for help at such an important time, I'm sure you'd feel honoured and keen to do your best.