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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help a friend

23 replies

OnBehalfOfAFriend · 26/06/2013 13:50

I'm posting on behalf of a friend who's completely heartbroken. Any advice and help you ladies can give would be most appreciated. I've sent her the link to the thread

my partner came home last Wednesday to tell me he no longer loves me and our relationship is over.

I am crushed as I love him still and have cried a lifetime of tears, hardly eaten or slept.

My daughter who's 10 is crushed as she just wants us to be a family still and is scared for her brother who's 2 growing up without his dad.
She's seeing a school councillor today
My son keeps asking for his daddy as my partner....ex is hardly home now, just working on the....his business a d coming home at night

My daughter has 4 weeks left of the school year then I'm going to have to move 60-70 miles away and go from our own 3 bed semi house, a brand new car off the showroom floor and an average income of 2.5k a month to staying in my mums spare room, kids in a double bed with me til if or when I can be given a home off the council, no car and right now all I have is £10 in my bank account.

I'm just so bloody gutted, all these years of building a home, family and business and now I'm 30 and starting with nothing again

His family can't believe it and I don't think he likes that they are supporting me.
His mum cried for the first time since I've known her yesterday and again that broke my heart
I don't hate him, I just want him back for me and the kids but I do think him very very selfish as he does not want to do nothing to see if we can make this work.
He's keeping his distance and today is the first time he's really spoken to me but its just via text saying he's sorry doing this, I deserve to be happy and he still wants to be friends.

I have never been put on the mortgage and I'm just a silent partner on the business
All working tax and child tax credits have always gone into our joint account.

OP posts:
waddlecakes · 26/06/2013 13:57

You must be feeling terrible, I'm so sorry.

However, there are a few positives to this. First, he was straight with you. He obviously respects and cares enough about you and your children to be completely honest. That means that when you get back on your feet, your son will probably not be growing up without his dad.

The second thing is you're only 30. This guy could have taken the easy option and stayed with you, lying to you, hurting you by making you live in a relationship where you were constantly worried about where he was and whether you're going to lose him, taking away precious years from you. You're 30 and you may be broke, but you'll be able to sort that out. You will also love again, although you are bereft right now. You have the time and youth to build a life from scratch for yourself and your kids. And you may be penniless, but you have your children, which is a blessing.

I also think it's a blessing that you are penniless. The next 4 weeks will be hard (why did you tell your daughter straight away, btw? Maybe not the best idea?), but as soon as you get to your Mum's you will need to get yourself sorted, find work, start looking for a place of your own - scary, but it will be a distraction and a real help in getting over this.

Good luck xx

Original poster
OnBehalfOfAFriend · 26/06/2013 14:02

He wasn't that straight with her, just days before they had a very happy family day out.

Anyone know where she stands legally? what is she entitled to in terms of money from the joint account and leaving the house?

OP posts:
Mabelface · 26/06/2013 14:05

I'd tell her not to move out of the house just yet and to get some legal advice. Far easier for him to find a place of his own than for her to uproot the kids and live in unsuitable housing.

angel1976 · 26/06/2013 14:29

Are they married? It will make a world of difference if they are or not in terms of what she is entitled to. It's only mentioned as 'partner'?

Ebb · 26/06/2013 14:30

No, they're not married.

Shylepite · 26/06/2013 14:40

What a cunt! Get some legal advice, leaving the children effectively homeless doesn't seem like a good option to me, why should they be made to move out when he has a 3 bed house?! I hate to be the one to say this but men very rarely do this if there is no one else on the scene, even when it appears to be an amicable split there is usually an ow lurking. Also 30 is not too old to start afresh. Get angry and use it wisely!

Leavenheath · 26/06/2013 15:09

Get some legal advice and remember there is likely to be an OW and an affair behind this.

5madthings · 26/06/2013 15:22

Not married and he has been vile IMO. Pretending at happy families when apparently he has felt this way for months.

Think children told as grandparents were told and the daughter (who is lovely) is old enough to pick up on tension etc, she is a smart girl.

To the friend, you know where I am xxx

5madthings · 26/06/2013 15:23

Yep I think the same re another woman, I am sorry but this falling out of love doesn't wash with me.

Leavenheath · 26/06/2013 15:34

I've seen many a thread like this over the years with virtually identical circumstances and it's never not been an OW/affair situation. Usually the timing of the bombshell has been dictated by the OW leaving her own relationship or needing to move out of where she's been living. If this man wants your friend out of the house, I suspect he wants someone else to move in. Legal advice is a must.

Original poster
OnBehalfOfAFriend · 26/06/2013 15:40

I agree 5madthings wrt the ow, it doesn't add up :(

OP posts:
sparechange · 26/06/2013 16:03

Firstly, she should not be the one leaving. I'm not sure on the legalities when they aren't married, but I think she will be giving up some rights to the house if she voluntarily leaves at his request.
HE is the one who has decided all this, so he should be the one to make his own arrangements.

And I would like to echo what the others have said about 30 not being too old to start again! It is the best decade, promise.

In the meantime, take things one day at a time. Don't feel overwhelmed about the 'bigger picture' or compare yourself to other people.
This is about you doing the best you can for you and your children in the next few weeks. Sounds like you've got loads of support from both families so please don't be afraid to use it.

Original poster
OnBehalfOfAFriend · 26/06/2013 16:47

I've just had some more info regarding their financial situation, they arent married and there is a lot of debt in his name, she says

He's in debt as he brought a brand new car the other month.
Not including bills he's paying off the car about £14k, a £900 sofa, £500+ TV, £4k bathroom we had last year. Idiot got a a new fitted kitchen last month costing about £7000.

this is why he wont move out, and she says if she stays then she has no support in the current area. but he has said she can stay as long as she needs Hmm shes hoping to see the cab on monday, what should she be asking or taking with her?

OP posts:
angel1976 · 26/06/2013 17:06

She really needs to gather as much paperwork as she can at the moment before he blocks her access to it. I'm not sure she's entitled to anything she does not have her name on (like the house) if they are not married. However, he does sound like a bit of an idiot when it comes to money so maybe she's had a lucky escape in the long run!

Am pretty certain she will be entitled to child support though. The amount the CSA sets it at is 10% of the father's net pay for one child and 15% of the net pay if there are two children though many fathers pay more as TBH, I don't think those percentages are very fair especially if the SAHP has given up work to look after the children...

NotAQueef · 26/06/2013 17:20

I have done some googling and it seems as they are unmarried and house in ex dp's name it's not entirely straghtforward - I have however noticed that lots of family solicitors offer free 30 min consultations over the phone/in person - I would contact one for advice

x

dadwithbaby · 26/06/2013 17:29

Just a quick post on the run do not move out..copy every bit of financial paperwork and see a solictor.
Not sure but an occupation order may be an option and provide some degree of security.
He's being a b'stard and like others it's most likely there's someone else and some event has forced their hand.
Please do not leave the home and continue to be the great mother that you are Flowers stay strong and I have no doubt that one of the more informed posters will be along soon.

NotAQueef · 26/06/2013 19:01

Bumping for you for the post bedtime posters x

AWimbaWay · 26/06/2013 20:39

I'm bumping this too xxx

SupermanEatsKryptonite · 26/06/2013 20:55

Another bump here too - any advice appreciated.

5madthings · 26/06/2013 20:58

I echo dadwiths advice re getting copies of everything financial that you can and get birth certificates, passportrs etc and put them somewhere safe.

Corygal · 26/06/2013 20:59

Financially, she may have rather a lot of phone calls to make. It's frighteningly easy to throw someone out, including your own children, and walk away leaving them with nothing/almost nothing. In fact, if you're not married to them, the law is on your side to help you do this.

She will be entitled to nothing from her ex as they are not married.

If she isn't named on the lease/deeds, she's got no right to live in her current home, either.

But see a solicitor about this, because there may be another tack she can take given she's built up the business with him.

However, the ex must pay maintenance for her son (no obligation to his SDD). So there should be a little coming in for the toddler - if she can prove ex can afford to pay 10 per cent of his salary. Watch out, tho, as if he's self-employed he can vary payments to himself so it looks like his salary is peanuts.

Getting benefits will be a lot easier than getting money out of the ex - she should talk to the CAB as well as a lawyer. She may need to declare herself homeless to get help from the council, so advice is don't move out before she's done that.

AWimbaWay · 26/06/2013 21:23

Both the children are his Corygal.

Mibby · 27/06/2013 21:30

Bump

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