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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SmileyEyez needs advice please

20 replies

SmileyEyez · 26/06/2013 09:32

Hi
A week ago I told my H I had , had enough after finding he had joined a site to meet people for sex. Some of you may have remembered my previous posts but as I am drained now I won't dwell to much.

The short story is he had joined sites before the last revelation was too much for me to carry on with lies and doubts.
We have one son together the others left home and live abroad now or miles away.

My husband insists he was set up with the last site and is set on proving his innocence .

The problem now I am facing where I need to hold hands :( is in a nice manner he told me as I don't like my home that he wants to buy out my share of the house and our son stay with him.

I am devastated as I won't be able to buy a house with the share, I will lose my son , but as I know how close they are I won't come between them .

So it looks like not only am I married to a bloke who looks eke where, I lose everything too, when non of this is my fault!

The worse part is this is exactly why I was scared to confront him, because I knew I would lose everything and watch him live happily as I struggle by all down to him.

So here I am after being strong to stand up to no more messing, I lose my whole life too!

OP posts:
Fragglewump · 26/06/2013 09:36

You have choices as well as him!! Also your son has choices if he is old enough to make them. Unless your stbxh is currently the main caregiver it is v unlikely anyone would award him sole custody!!! Have a think when you feel comparatively calm about what you would like. He has been a tosser and doesn't get to control you any more!!

Original poster
SmileyEyez · 26/06/2013 09:52

Hi.
Our son is 15 and they have recently returned from a weeks motorbike holiday together, they have a great bond and as my job involves nights too there seems to be no other choice.
Ultimately it's down to our son but he knows I will be with him as much as he wants too, but he is at an age where his dad is the person he turns to the most.

Not sure how much is bluff and wether he can buy me out .

OP posts:
FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 26/06/2013 09:58

((Hugs)) Go to CAB or a solicitor so you know where you stand and your true options.

Otherwise, it is all threats conjectures.

dontyouwantmebaby · 26/06/2013 10:04

smileyeyez - don't let him twist things by saying "you don't like your home". It is more a case of you don't like sharing it with a lying cheating git like him.

He doesn't have a 'right' to buy you out. Don't let him pressure you into making decisions that aren't right for you. Also, don't let him use your son as 'ammo' either for/against a particular course of action.

You were absolutely right to confront him, life would have been unbearable if you hadn't. You might be in for a bumpy ride because he is now on the defensive but please, think of this as your route to a happier life. You won't lose everything. Please see a solicitor about your separation asap.

MadBusLady · 26/06/2013 10:10

He's talking out of his arse, love. He's trying to bully you into putting up and shutting up. Make an appointment with a solicitor ASAP. Most solicitors offer a free half-hour session so you can ask initial questions. You can see as many solicitors as you like.

As your son is 15 I think the law says he will be able to decide where he wants to live. But cross that bridge when you come to it. The first thing is to establish your legal and financial position.

Original poster
SmileyEyez · 26/06/2013 10:15

Hi
Thank you , I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow , I think that's why he has thought this through .

There is one thing though, it did make the though of being on my own without my house unbearable but at the same time I knew for certain I couldn't go back to him, not even to stop me from losing anything ,
I don't want my son to have to choose but I know deep down he would want to stay with his dad , they are best buddies too and do all sorts together these days xx

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 26/06/2013 10:20

Best buddies doesn't necessarily mean best parent. Your son may surprise you with his insight. Just keep your door wide open to him, whatever he decides, and you may well find he quickly sees through "Fun Dad" who shags around.

MadBusLady · 26/06/2013 10:22

Oh, and don't feel you have to "decide" anything or commit to anything when he starts rambling on at you like this. It's all manipulation. Just nod and smile and say "Well, we'll have to think about that". I agree he's putting you under pressure because he knows you're about to get outside advice (which I suspect is going to put you in a better position than you realise). Well, sucks to be him.

Leavenheath · 26/06/2013 10:30

He's bullying you. All will become clearer when you see a solicitor and get the facts, but IIRC you've always had a bigger financial stake in the property than him, so your share might be bigger than you think. Property isn't the only asset either. If he's got a pension, that's an asset for example.

WRT your son, the way to look at this is it's a long game. I've known teenagers see-saw a bit as regards where they live, but even if he lives with your ex, he will still need you and want you in his life. But he might decide to live part of the time with you and part of the time with dad.

He's probably blustering so that you will back down, but often the best way of dealing with a situation like this is to say 'bring it on' knowing that even if he isn't making empty threats, you can deal with it. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to use your equity to rent somewhere lovely and you'll still play a major role in your son's life where ever he lives. What happens next isn't necessarily forever either. You could meet someone else and buy again and your son might outgrow a dad who's reliving his youth and eventually want to spend more time with the grown ups Wink.

myroomisatip · 26/06/2013 10:31

You have had very good advice above.

Do not agree to anything with your H. Get a good solicitor. By that I dont just mean one in family law, but one that you feel you can relate to and really understands your situation. I tried three before I got the 'right' one.

MadBusLady · 26/06/2013 10:40

By the way, even if you have "agreed" to something verbally in one conversation I don't see how you can be held to it, so don't fret if that conversation didn't go too well.

Basically, you need to get out of the habit of thinking that whatever he says he wants to happen is going to happen. It needn't. Smile

Original poster
SmileyEyez · 26/06/2013 11:05

With tears in my eyes I want to say thank you , all your words mean a lot and make things clearer and logical. He probably knows I am serious and pushing for a reaction too.

OP posts:
dontyouwantmebaby · 26/06/2013 11:44

"He probably knows I am serious and pushing for a reaction too."

exactly right!

and its because you are on to him, you know it and boy does he know it now. things won't be the samemas he won't be able to get away with his tricks anymore, more power to you!

you can do this smiley, you truly can.

Original poster
SmileyEyez · 26/06/2013 14:33

He sent me a text saying "sorry, I,d rather you keep the house than fall out with you"
I haven't replied and don't intend to, I think he is trying to reel me in with his soft side .

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 26/06/2013 14:43

I agree.

Still go to the solicitors and once you know your rights, tell your husband that you definitely want to be in separate houses as a matter of urgency.

You probably realise that once he knows you're determined to split, he'll renege on this 'keeping the house' ruse and so it's best to explore all options with your lawyer with the definite end objectives that you get what you're entitled to and no longer have to live in the same space as your husband.

MadBusLady · 26/06/2013 14:45

Definitely ignore, he is playing mind games. You're onto him now though Smile

Distrustinggirlnow · 26/06/2013 17:09

Just here to hold your hand SE and to say that couldn't your sone spend some time with you and some time with your STBXH. Envy

Original poster
SmileyEyez · 28/06/2013 09:10

Hi Distrustinggirlnow, my husband was under the impression he could buy me out of the house and he would stay with my son, however after a visit to my solicitor yesterday I had the most amazing news!
As I paid half cash to our first home together and had a deed of trust set up with me owning 75% of our house, I have been told it stands in a court of law, meaning I can stay in the house and the 25% owned by my H can be offset by his pension, meaning the house will be mine!! B
Which is good not in a monastery fashion but it means I can relax and stay put until I decide otherwise which is a relief and son can stay with me as his base and see his dad when he wishes !! Xxxx

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 28/06/2013 09:41

Oh Smiley that's great news! I had a feeling you'd be in a better position than you thought. Smile

Keep your cards close to your chest though - it's a long, tedious process and he may still be able to fight it somehow. But your solicitor must think you've got a good case. Did you get on with the solicitor, did they seem ready to fight your corner?

Leavenheath · 28/06/2013 14:26

Great news. But there's nothing to stop you taking him at his latest word and going for 100% Wink and you'll also need to do a cost comparison of pension vs house.

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