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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling excited...just not with DH

20 replies

notsoinnocence · 25/06/2013 22:00

It's just that.

Over the last few months, I seem to randomly meet this man on my journey into work. We have a quick conversation about banal things and then go our separate ways. I don't know him but we chat like we do know each other.

It's that random. He is very friendly, initiates the conversation and I'm too polite to ignore. The reason I'm on here is today I saw him and it threw me as I felt really happy to see him. I have not felt like that since I got together with my DH. I am attracted to this guy but that is probably because I don't meet many men in my all female work environment!

I think I'm reading too much into this but wanted to open up on here as I could never discuss in RL. If he made a move and asked me for a drink I think I would say yes. I feel bad writing that down now. Is that how affairs start?

OP posts:
Xales · 25/06/2013 22:05

Affairs start with tiny tiny steps. Many of which don't see like they are.

I think this could be the first slippery step.

How is your marriage?

Original poster
notsoinnocence · 25/06/2013 22:13

Marriage is so so, been together double figures and married for 7 years (ironic!) with two young DC.

This man is really nothing to look at but it threw me completely today as not seen him in a while and I enjoyed talking to him. Don't even know his name! I've seen what affairs can do with friend's relationships and thought I was Mrs Prim and Proper. I feel really bad fancying some random person and worse even considering taking it further. Well not in a sexual way but if he asked me for lunch, etc I would consider.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/06/2013 22:15

Time to start investing in your marriage and get out of the rut you are in with your DH

Xales · 25/06/2013 22:18

There is nothing wrong with fancying another. It shows you are alive and human. Just don't act on it.

If you have lunch maybe once or twice, start looking for him daily, then he leans in for a goodbye kiss, then ... It soon happens.

Can you try and reconnect with your H? Go and have that lunch with him? Away from the DC and chat with him about various things?

Remember why you decided to get with him at the start? All the good things about him?

Original poster
notsoinnocence · 25/06/2013 22:28

Thanks for your replies by the way.

We are not in a rut as such...I love my DH, we do things together, laugh and are intimate. But it made me question our togetherness, sorry if I sound all biblical but I was seriously tempted.

If I see the man again should I ask him why he is talking to me or should I just ignore and avoid?

OP posts:
WhiteBirdBlueSky · 25/06/2013 22:30

Don't ask him why he's talking to you, that would look rude/draw him in.

MagicBaguette · 25/06/2013 22:33

Ignore and avoid. Your poor DH.

Original poster
notsoinnocence · 25/06/2013 22:38

Thanks Xales. I do things like that with DH but I think if I'm being honest I'm becoming bored with life, kids, family, work and friends, etc. This has added a little excitement to today and those feelings threw me.

I think I need to talk things through with DH and assess our relationship as fancying random strangers is a bit Shock.

I do think I've also read too much into these conversations, perhaps the man is just naturally friendly!

OP posts:
defineme · 25/06/2013 22:39

Just carry on being polite...It's normal to have friendly random chats with people you commute with/see on the school run/work in shops you frequent etc. He's doing nothing wrong and asking 'why are you talking to me?' is so rude!
I have stupid crushes sometimes, because life can get a boring/mundane or dh and I have been like ships in the night and there's a nice man being flirty with me....Doesn't mean I do anything other than have a nice daydream about it.
If he asked you out for lunch are you sure you'd say yes?
Are you sure you wouldn't just say no sorry I'm married?
Are you not just fantasizing ?

Xales · 25/06/2013 22:40

I don't agree her H is poor.

OP has been tempted. It has shocked her and made her question things. She has realised that and is not going there.

It would have been very easy for OP to carry on. Have lunch, then something else but she doesn't seem to be going to.

Original poster
notsoinnocence · 25/06/2013 22:42

Sorry I've come across as a selfish wotsit in these posts, I must remember I'm a wife and a mother. I will be polite if I see him again but avoid any crazy impulses Blush.

OP posts:
MatersMate · 25/06/2013 22:44

definitely reading too much into this I think. do you really think he's thinking this way? he may be of course, but chances are it's just random chatting to pass the journey.

MatersMate · 25/06/2013 22:46

just in case though... rehearse what you are going to say if he does ask you for coffee or anything.....like..Oh, no thanks, I'm on a schedule, then you won't stumble into saying yes, that way madness lies ;)

Original poster
notsoinnocence · 25/06/2013 22:47

Sorry for the confusion I wouldn't be that aggressive, I am just curious as to why a man would chat to me, it's been a long time since that has happened!

Thanks for your replies. I'm not a practising person of faith but think these feelings confused me as a married person.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsoinnocence · 25/06/2013 22:51

MatersMate, yes I think I am reading too much into it, maybe I look mumsy and approachable! My rational head is starting to be put back on again.

OP posts:
katieks · 25/06/2013 23:02

Agree with defineme, dream away but bet if it came down to it, you'd be too terrified to go through with it!

AuntieStella · 25/06/2013 23:11

I think you need to avoid him - sit away from him on your journey.

And have a think about why you found him tempting. What does I say is lacking in you marriage? How can you bring it back?

Original poster
notsoinnocence · 25/06/2013 23:22

Excitement! I think I'm going through a big lull with DH. Not sure how we can do anything different. It all feels bit repetitive and boring at the moment.

I won't avoid journey man as I don't see him on a regular basis. Hopefully I won't be tempted but then again I'm not sure, he did make me feel good about myself today which I've not had in a long time and he made me laugh.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsoinnocence · 25/06/2013 23:23

Thanks for your replies, I do feel like I've been to confessional!

OP posts:
deliasmithy · 25/06/2013 23:29

Notso - I think playing around with thoughts in your head is pretty normal and indeed healthy to be trying to work through how you feel.

Fact is, it is quite exciting meeting someone, them being interested in you, and knowing that you might 'still have it' . You can't get these feelings years into a relationship.

So it's then thinking about the positives you have in the relationship, so for me trust, support, love, familiarity, humour, friendship, etc etc. It's no longer a surprise to know that my oh fancies me, for example, but that thrill with someone else is short lived and shallow.

I personally feel chatting to someone and enjoying their company is fine, it's more about your own boundaries. I'd be careful about putting yourself in a position of going for coffee etc with this person whilst you are unclear as to your feelings around this. I think someone invented the phrase slippery slope at some point because it's very true.

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