BF's DD comes to live with him and everything has changed?

[Starlight001]

I have been with my bf for 2 years. He is separated with 3 daughters and I don't have children of my own. His dd's moved abroad with their mum after they separated which devastated my bf understandably.

The first 18 months of our relationship was amazing! We got on so well and we were very happy. I had finally found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and have children with. His DD's would spend their holidays with him (we don't live together) and I would come for dinner maybe 1 or 2 nights during their holiday in order to get to know them better. They were always pleasant and polite to me and knowing that this would be our future having the girls on their holiday sat very comfortably with me.

I was really looking forward to the future with by bf.... we were just about to move in together when one of his DD's aged 13, unexpectedly decided to come back and live with my bf as she couldn't settle abroad with her mum.

We were shocked by the unexpected turn of events but my bf is a good man and his daughter's well being and happiness had to come first which I respect him for. We both knew that this new change would effect our relationship as we used to see each other most nights etc. His DD had anxiety and phobia issues and needed a lot of attention, our plans on moving in together had to be put on hold. I didn't mind this as I felt quite daunted by the idea of becoming a full time step mother with no support of real mum around to share the custody etc.

6 months on and I cant believe how we have been so effected by all this...... I struggled with the lack of time together. For the first 3-4 months our time was spent with the 3 of us together due to his DD's anxiety issues. This irritated me and the frustration caused me to start being easily annoyed by DD. Most 13 year old girls can be hard work but when they are not your own it is more difficult.

Fortunately, as a result of bf's excellent father skills and good discipline, plenty of encouragement and a happy environment DD has improved dramatically and now is involved in after school activities and has made some nice friends who sleep over quite frequently so we get the odd night to go out, however, the stressful lead up to get to this stage has weakened our relationship as we argued a lot and my bf began to feel vulnerable and insecure about us.

When we are with DD I still get easily irritated by her demands, moods, pushing boundaries and arguments. She is mannerly to me but I feel that she feels threatened by me but Im not sure. Bf has said that she plays up more when I am present. I miss the way we were prior to DD coming back but I know that if my bf didn't do the right thing for his DD then what kind of a parent would he be to our future children? He is a very good man I just wish DD's mother was living in the country that custody could be shared some bit. Mother of DD wont even take DD for holidays out of resentment and to hurt my bf when really she is hurting her DD and fracturing their mother /daughter relationship further. It is no wonder why DD wanted to live with her dad.....

Now my bf wants to know am I in or out? He has every right to ask this as no one likes to be hanging on.... but the truth is I know it wont be easy and I ask myself am I making life difficult for myself? I am still quite young.... If I feel irritated by DD's presence now what would it be like if I lived with her?

I know she will be 18 in 5 years time and will probably go to college etc but thats a long time to wait and how will things be if a baby is brought into the situation? I just wish mother of DD was around to take some of the pressure and we could have a break every now and then.

Unfortunately for my bf hasn't got any relatives close by to support him and he doesn't want to be asking other parents for help as he feels he doesn't want to be a burden.

Everything he has done for DD has showed me even more of what a good man he is and I know men like this are hard to find but I struggle with the idea of living in the same house as DD??

Has anyone else (particularly those who like me don't have children of their own) experienced these feelings and what were your experiences like?

Any advise would be much appreciated.

What does he mean by are you in or out? Does he mean your relationship or you moving in with him?

I would say hold off on the moving in. His DD has only been with him 6 months, you still get very irritated by her and she plays up more when you are around. It could be a disaster if you move in too soon.

Can you and she get to know each other some more? Do things together? Build up a friendship so she can see you are not a threat?

6 months is quite a short time scale for you to decide if you want to live with a teenager permanently.

If you struggle with eh idea of .living in the same house as his dd then I can't see how you can carry on the relationship.

I think you should call it a day.

For everybody concerned, you need to call it a day.

It's not an easy situation. Good for your DP in stepping up to the mark and being a good Dad.
But, stepping into a step parenting situation can be tough. Looking at this more positively - if you were all living together, you would get used to the change (or you would know for certain that it wasn't for you) the daughter will get to know you better and perhaps you could all make a happy family in time? Having you own baby could well help gel you all together.
Blended families can be challenging and it is not the same experience as being in a relationship with a blank sheet so to speak.
I'd suggest you all spend more time together before taking the decision to be in/out. This girl has obviously been through a tough time.
I've been with my partner for 10 years and we have 2 step children and one of our own. It hasn't always been easy, but their Mum is around, everyone gets on well, so the scope for stress is less than it could be - I think having a baby actually has been very good for us.

Have you tried spending time with her alone? Is there anything you could do just the two of you? Cinema, a hobby, shopping?
If you are serious about your partner, then she comes as part of the package so perhaps try to get to know her a bit better.
Most 13 year old girls can be a pain and maybe she'll get easier as her security improves. Her mum allowed her to go which she may have seen as a kind of rejection so at least her dad is providing stability.
Tough situation though OP.

Thanks for all the advise folks!

After a lot of thought and a serious make or break chat with my bf I have come to the conclusion that if we are to have any chance of being happy together I must accept that my bf comes as a package and I have to make more of an effort with DD to get to know her better after all I am the adult here and she is just a teenager who has been through so much trauma. I have been so frustrated with how she has effected our relationship I have lost sight of her needs and I have to park up my frustration and not let it disallow me to engage more with her... this situation is not her fault. My lack of willingness to have one on one time with her has made my bf feel vulnerable and insecure which has fractured our relationship..... it really is a domino effect.

I hope to take her shopping one day next week and start bonding better and fingers crossed things will really improve and I will feel less daunted by the idea of co parenting.....

I think having a baby in the hope it will "gel" you all together is a ridiculous and stupid idea. A baby should be born through love and the desire to bring up a child, not as a band aid.

Also, moving in when things aren't great is also daft. Have a serious think about whether you care enough about this child to put the long hard slog in and if not you must walk away. If you do care enough then talk to your boyfriend about the best way to go about this and to see how much more time you can spend together also consulting the daughter.

I am a bit you have only just realised he comes as a package.

It would be a no brainer for me.

Despite having a step mum and step dad of my own, both of whom treated me wonderfully, and despite having nothing but praise for people who can, personally there is no way I could or would be in a relationship with someone whose child lived with them.

I just don't like other people's children enough to ever want to live with them.

That's me. If it's also you, then you need to end this. Having a baby with this man will make things worse, not better, because you will probably feel less close than you already do to this girl.

I hope you do manage to make a go of it, all of you together, but I just wanted to say that nobody is at fault here, not him, not you, not the daughter. It's just a situation which sadly, might not work out.

MissStrawberry - I hope that wasn't a dig at my comment. Our DD came along after my partner and I had been together several years and was a much planned and wanted child and not a 'band aid'. With 10 years of step-parenting under my belt, in my personal experience, DD has brought us all together as a family. Having a child of my own has also made me a better, kinder step-parent too.

OP

I think his DD, and their relationship come first

so you either need to make it work with his DD...

or fine someone childfree and start afresh

I have never EVER seen it work when someone is in "evil stepmother mode", opnly when the stepomum makes a HUGE effort to embrace that child

and I know 13 year old kids are hard, but I do have to be honest

if you think you will always resent her, then do the decent thing and leave

sorry

Beamur - yes I was responding to your comment. I was not having a dig at you as I am not 12.

In the OP's situation I do think it would be crazy to have a baby as the family unit is not secure and settled enough.

He does sound like a good man. I would give it a bit more time, and see if you can build up more of a relationship with the DD.

Six months is not long - if you had a newborn child you'd still be adjusting at this point, so it's no surprise it's not easy with a teenager. The first year is going to be hard work but it may be worth making an effort and I'm sure if you did get closer it would be good for her to have a woman around.

Unfortunately for my bf hasn't got any relatives close by to support him and he doesn't want to be asking other parents for help as he feels he doesn't want to be a burden.

Have you discussed exactly what is expected from you here? Housework, childcare, school functions? Will you pay the mortgage, who will pay for the bills? Etc.

I am worried that you are being pulled in to help because he finds it hard work, rather than because you are the me and only he wants to build a new family with.

Do you know what sort of home life you each aspire to?

This becomes important when living together.

Because you are the one and only.

I have to agree that a baby would definately not be a great idea. My situation is one of 2 older step children, one of my own and one with hubby. You have to work individually with any step child otherwise it does affect your relationship (in my experience). I am lucky that mine are older (18 and 22) but I still need to make the effort to maintain the relationship. My OH and my boy (11) dont see eye to eye and my OH is not great at spending time with him which causes issues between us(OH hasn't quite realised he is the adult yet!). Add to the mix my 1yr old things were further complicated - jealousy and ensuring you treat all the kids the same etc. My advice give it time to build up a solid relationship

Even if this daughter grows up and moves on , there are her siblings . I agree you need to accept the package (of 4) or move on . A baby will not help the situation at all.

MissStrawberry at 'I am not 12'.
That told me.