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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

if we split, will i loose the children?

14 replies

fattyowls72 · 25/06/2013 19:24

Have name changed, hope someone can advise me.
We have been married 15 years, 2 kids. All going horribly wrong.
I am working full time, in a really low paid job. H is unemployed at the moment, so is the children's main carer.
If we split, will he, as the main carer, get to keep the children with him, and I, as the only wage earner, have to pay him maintenance?
I couldn't be without the children, so if that is a possibility, I will stay, even though I'm so miserable most of the time. I would be more miserable without them.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 25/06/2013 19:42

In your position, I wouldn't do anything without legal advice. Can you try to see a solicitor this week?

Noregrets78 · 25/06/2013 19:46

I appreciate the stress you're going through - I am / was in a similar situation. Go for some free legal advice. There's clearly no guarantees, and I don't know your full details, but I thought I'd reassure you that it's not black and white.

Ultimately if you can agree yourselves it need never go to court. Does he want to be the main carer? The fact that you work and he doesn't does not give him automatic entitlement. my sol said it's partly in the mind set - I work, but I take time out when she's sick, I'm there for parents evenings, I take her to the dentist, doctor, to buy shoes and have haircuts.... Think of the longer term - presumably he is looking for a job? So this is just a temporary situation.

In my case - I have DD 4 nights a week, including all weekend, and he has her 3 night during the week. There's no maintenance flowing in either direction, on the basis that we're broadly sharing the care.

I also know the feeling of staying if there's a risk of losing them. I know 'staying for the sake of the kids' is supposed to be bad, but it's just so different when you're in the middle of it. There came a point for me where I just couldn't stand it any more, and in any case the DCs need to know what normal looks like.

Original poster

fattyowls72 · 25/06/2013 19:47

Ill have to try to get an appointment some time in Aug. I can't get time off work till then, and there is no other time to go.
That's part of the problem, I get no time to myself, at all, I leave for work at 7am, get home at 5, an hour or so with the kids, bedtime, then spend all evening sitting in the house, with him playing internet games.
If I'm more than 5 minutes late home I get a text asking 'where are you', 'are you ok' etc

OP posts:

LineRunner · 25/06/2013 19:48

No, you won't lose your children.

Please get at least a free half hour appointment; but you won't lose your children if you want to and are prepared to provide them with a stable home, an upbringing, and you will arrange reasonable contact - 50/50 or a variant of that - with their other parent.

The rest is up to your H. Can/will he do the same?

Original poster

fattyowls72 · 25/06/2013 19:53

noregrets, yes, he is looking for a job, but has been since April, and nothing yet.
I was the primary carer till 3 years ago, then had to make some changes and we sort of swapped roles(don't want to give too much detail here) so he has been the main carer since then, and now he has no job he does everything.
There is no point in me taking time off for them when they are sick if he is about, that just antagonises my boss, and I really need to keep the job.
Glad you seem to be working your situation well, it does give me some hope.
Another worry is, I've no idea how I would pay for another place for me and the kids to live, I assume i'd have to keep paying the mortgage till the house sold which could take years in this economic climate.

OP posts:

Original poster

fattyowls72 · 25/06/2013 19:55

Linerunner, would breakfast club, school, then after school club count as a stable upbringing? and holiday club in the school holidays. I'd have to do that to continue working.

OP posts:

Noregrets78 · 25/06/2013 20:19

You need to get yourself in the right mindset - concentrate on what's best for your kids, and don't assume that's for them to be with H on the basis he's around...

Having a job is not a bad things, it's a good thing. It's providing for your kids, and it's setting them a good example. Going to breakfast / after school club is not palming kids off onto someone - it's an opportunity for additional socialisation. Think about all the reasons that you are a great mother.

LineRunner · 25/06/2013 21:06

Yes, OP, a stable and loving upbringing includes working and using decent childcare.

If your (unemployed) OH argues with that in a family court then he won't win. And any lawyer he sees beforehand will tell him so.

Original poster

fattyowls72 · 25/06/2013 21:35

thanks, . I was so worried that I would set off a chain of events that I couldn't stop that would end in the worst way.
But I feel like I can go forward and talk to a solicitor now, and it wont mean that I will loose the kids. ill try to get an appointment in August some time.

OP posts:

sandiy · 25/06/2013 22:03

I'm the main earner and I am the main carer I have good child care which is covered by tax credits.Have you thought about fifty fifty it might be best for all that way.Even though you Probobly don t much like hubby the children will love him and he them.

LineRunner · 25/06/2013 22:06

50-50 might work really well for you. You keep your job and could develop prospects, and he has to parent (in the sense of 'doing') too.

Original poster

fattyowls72 · 25/06/2013 22:22

50-50 could work, but ive read about how disruptive it is for children, having two places to live, having to remember to take all the things they need, etc.
I really have no experience of this, no one I know is separated from their partners.
I don't actually dislike OH, just don't trust him or want to be married to him anymore. we get on ok, on a superficial level.
Actually, ive just self referred to a therapy service, perhaps I should wait until that ha progressed a bit before I make any big decisions. There is so much more going on at the moment, maybe some councelling will make it all seem better

OP posts:

Noregrets78 · 25/06/2013 23:34

Whether 50/50 or a different arrangement, the chances are that the kids will have two places to live. The kids I know in that situation seem to cope really well - they just have two of everything so they don't have to pack a suitcase all the time. My DD just has a favourite scrap of material that she packs in her school bag on a Monday, and off she goes.

DD was also more excited by the prospect of two sets of birthday / xmas presents, and decided that made it all worth having two homes.

Prozacbear · 26/06/2013 15:33

I wouldn't be so quick as to dismiss 50/50.

We do 50/50 with DS (2.4, so a different kettle of fish) - we do it alternate days and live 10 mins away from each other. A hassle for us, but DS doesn't go more than a day without seeing one of us. He has two of everything; we've even duplicated certain toys that he loves. As he gets older and has to start remembering possessions like school books, we'll lengthen the time and eventually I imagine he'll just meander between the two as he wants.

50/50 can be a great solution - I think it does depend on an amicable relationship between the parents, and a lot of communication between the parents.

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