Giving up on sister - anyone been in this situation?

[rhubarbandpear]

Hi everyone, I'm a first time poster looking for some advice. I will do my best to keep this as brief as possible!

I only have one sibling, a sister who is 3 years older than me. We were like normal sisters growing up- we had arguments but overall enjoyed playing and spending time together. This stopped when I was 11/12. She didn't want anything to do with me and was desperate to move away from where we lived. She managed to meet someone and move to the other side of the country when she was 17.

12 years have passed since she moved. We have never kept in contact, I only know what she's up to with updates from my mum. I only see / speak to my sister when we are visiting our parents at the same time. I spent many years trying to build a relationship with her but it has never worked. A couple of years ago I even suggested of moving to where she lives and all she did was tell me to stay close to our parents (on the other side of the country to her). There are loads of other examples to illustrate that she doesn't want me in her life - when she got married, for example, she didn't even invite me on her hen do and refused to have me as her maid of honour. She also uses any opportunity to get me into trouble with my parents (as the only time we see each other is when we're visiting the parents), and she did it again very recently despite her being a 29 year old with a child of her own.

I suppose part of the problem is that my parents have always defended her and portrayed her as the perfect sister. When I tell my mum that my sister doesn't want anything to do with me, she always responds with "If you ever need your sister, she will be there for you". Not true. There have been a couple of times I have been in a desperate situation and could not go to my parents- did she help me? No. She is the most self-centred person and obsessed with money and shopping- she tries to fleece my parents every time she visits and just measures how useful someone is to her by what they can do for her / how much money they can give her.

Basically I recently decided I had enough of her. I had a job interview near where she lived so there was a possibility that I would be moving to the same part of the country as her. I stayed at her house the night before the interview and found a text message she'd sent to her sister-in-law saying she didn't want me to get the job because she doesn't want me living near her. Although that text message did not come as a surprise to me, it still really hurt me to see it in writing and we ended up arguing badly over it. Then before I left her house on that visit, after our argument instead of trying to talk through it and explain herself the only thing she said to me was what she wanted me to buy her for her birthday this month (again only thinking about money/material things).

I've beaten myself up about it for years that I only have one sister and she doesn't want anything to do with me. There is no specific reason why she feels like this that I can identify. I have decided to give up and actually try to cut her out of my life more than she already is. It just makes me feel worse when I see her.

Has anyone been in a similar situation to this? Is it bad that I don't want anything to do with her?

Sorry for the long post guys. x

You don't have to see her just because she's your sister. The old saying that you can't choose your family is very true.

When you say you 'found a text message' do you mean you went through her phone looking to see if she'd said anything about you? If so, tbh I'm not surprised you fell out and that she's not that keen on having you in the house if you can't be trusted to respect her privacy.

To respond in general, I'm really sorry you are so upset by this situation over years, as I know what it feels like to be rejected by a sibling for no apparent reason. However, you may have to accept that for whatever reason you're not destined to be best friends at put your energies elsewhere. Sometimes siblings - like all people - don't have that much in common. If she's not interested, which to be frank it sounds like she's not, what can you do?

Your behaviour does sound a bit needy though, and I'm wondering if that's part of the problem. I can't help thinking there is more behind the reasons you don't get on, especially with the thing about 'finding' her text. Suggesting you'd move to be near her (which it sounds like you've come up with twice) could sound a bit suffocating and try-hard if you are not close. When you say she's refused to make you her MOH, did you ask to be, and she said no? If I had closer friends I wouldn't want to be forced to make my sister my MOH and I would resent the demand. I wonder if by trying so hard you are actually pushing her further away.

It doesn't sound like you'll lose much by letting this go, sad as that may be. If you back off a bit you may find she comes towards you in time.

Thanks for your replies.

In regards to the phone thing- I probably should have explained- we happen to have the same phone & phone cover. A text came through on the phone & I picked up and opened the message before realising it was her phone. It was hard not to read that message when I saw my name in it. Sounds unlikely but that's the truth. I don't go through people's phones, it's really not what I'm like.

I don't think I am needy. In terms of looking to move closer to her twice, I have only suggested moving closer to her once. I got the message when she told me to stay on the other side of the country with my parents. It just so happens she lives near London and I had a job interview in London- a big city where there are lots of jobs. I did not purposefully seek out a job in London so I could be close to her. I suggested moving closer to her on that one occasion as I had just finished uni, was looking for my first job and didn't know where to settle.

My mum and I asked about being maid of honour. My sister said she'd think about it and it just never happened. My sister doesn't have any close friends, only people she knows in work. Her and her husband don't like socialising that much. Her husband's nieces were bridesmaids at the wedding, she didn't have a maid of honour.

OK that makes more sense. Not unreasonable if the text was an accident, and indeed, many people would think of moving to London for work and after uni. I'd try not be hurt about the MOH thing though - if you weren't that close it's quite a major role in the wedding, or maybe she just wanted to keep things low key? If she hadn't been in touch with you for 12 years would it be a huge surprise not to be invited to the hen do? Hurtful maybe, but from the outside of the situation not totally unexpected.

I think the only thing you can do is let things go, many people just don't have relationships with their siblings for similar reasons. How far you take it is up to you really. If you don't enjoy seeing her and it just hurts you, I do wonder what the point is of continuing to go, even with your parents. I wouldn't make a big deal about cutting her out, just stop making any effort. You'll probably have to explain (calmly, without blame) to your mum why you won't be visiting her next time there is a family occasion, but you may just want to say you're busy to avoid any drama. Your mum might want to try and intervene but it sounds like she's aware of the lack of relationship between you so may just accept it.

It's tough OP, and it hurts (I've been there), but in your shoes I'd put my energies into friends and people who give something back to you for now. If you leave the door open to her a little, something might change years down the line.

I think you should stop trying to have a relationship with your sister. Would it offend you if I said she sounds really awful?

Apply for the jobs you want. Live where you want. Persue your life. Don't discuss your lack of a relationship with your parents, they are hardly in a position to be neutral, are they? Maybe avoid going to your parents when she is there, at least for a year or two.

Maybe at some point in the future you'll both be able to build a relationship but at this point she doesn't want to and you are just getting hurt.

Hi OP, I feel like I could have written your post. My sister is 4 years older than me, we we not close growing up at all. I felt that she was the preferred sister, she was jealous that I "got away" with more than she had been allowed to (e.g. Getting ears pierced, staying out later).

We had a brief period of getting on when i was in my 20s, we both made a bit of an effort. Then she met her partner and began a lot of drama about moving in with him, while I was reaching a difficult decision to leave my husband.

I feel she was not supportive - she like to get support but not give it - but my dad says she is angry with me because the Xmas I stayed wih her to make up my final decision I didn't "join in" enough.

I am sure other people reading this will think we sound very petty! I have offered a few times to drop in when I pass her house but she has never accepted.

I have decided that my life lacks nothing without her in it. So no, you are not alone in how you feel. You can pick your friends.

your life could be mine, except I can't remember a time when my sister was ever interested in me.

I spent over 20 years trying to build bridges, when I lived fairly close to her once, I invited her over and a mattress was more important.

She became a huge trigger for me, when her marraige to our cousin fell apart, I supported him because IT knew what she was like. She threatened me and all sorts.

From that moment on I have had nothing to do with her. When she comes down her son and my son get together, but that's as far as it goes.

Unfortunately, since my mum has been diagnosed with mnd, she wants us to try and get on better, my dad died 8 years ago. so it will be just us left.

I cannot and will not build any bridges, its her turn. Knowing what she's like, I believe that when mum dies she won't come down this end of the world.

I have found, the only way I can deal with it, is to stay away but be aware when she's coming down. I have explained to Mum the biggest reason why I can't do it anymore but as her memory is going its a pointless exercize.

My stepmum is a huge support as she has discovered exactly what my sister is like.

Sorry for the length of post

Thanks everyone for your messages, it has definitely made me feel better than I'm not alone feeling like this.

stripes- thanks for understanding. I will always leave my door open for her, but I doubt she will ever bother. I thought if things would ever change it would be when she had her first baby last year, my niece. But it hasn't, she's not bothered about her niece knowing me.

Barbarian- she is awful to be honest. One thing I have left out of my post is that when she moved away when she was 17 she didn't just cut me out from her life, but my parents too, for no reason at all. It took years for her to start talking to them properly again. Now she only sees them occasionally so they can spend money on her - even though she can do no wrong in their eyes, they are even starting to get frustrated that they can't spend time with her without spending money on her. My DP genuinely believes my sister has a personality disorder, and the only reason she bothers with my parents and not me is because my parents are useful to her, they buy her things.

BestShot & Caramel- really sorry you both have experienced the same. I know how horrible it feels and yet how petty it sounds when you try to explain it to someone. You're right in that she brings nothing to my life and I will feel happier leaving her alone.

I would not bother with your sister too much. Just accept that you aren't close and stop trying to create something that isn't there. It's hard but gets easier.

I would however move to London! It's a massive city, you wouldn't have to see her, and you'll meet a lot of new people and start a new life. Would love to be moving to London all over again.....

Think your DP is right; from your initial and subsequent posts as well I would hazard a guess that she does have some form of untreated and perhaps untreatable personality disorder. From the little you write of her she does sound narcissistic in terms of personality.

She cut you off because you were of no further use to her. Narcissists do this behaviour with aplomb.

You would not tolerate this from a friend, family are truly no different.

I would have nothing further to do with your sister in your circumstances.

OP I could have written your post too. I have a younger sister whom DH thinks has a personality disorder given her behaviour. It is very sad to be in this situation and it breaks my heart. She seems to have an aggressive depression (it runs in the family - I have a relative who behaves similarly and who has cut off people). My sister emigrated after a relationship broke up - I think she may have had a breakdown. Years later my parents moved to the same country (on the other side of the world). I have no other siblings and she broke off contact with me over a perceived slight to my mother. My parents have told her that she has got the 'wrong end of the stick' over this (and have told DH that she takes 'notions' that are not based on reality) but she won't back down and has not spoken to me for six years. I was not invited to her wedding, I did not get any congrats when I had ds and my present to her when she had her dc was sent back with a truly obnoxious note stating that she wanted no part of me as a sister and no contact (repeated three times and underlined, no greeting or yours etc to the letter just a rant) My parents just try to gloss over her behaviour and are in an awkward position because she is sponsoring them in their new country.

Rationally I know she is a very difficult character but I would really love to have a sister I can have a relationship with. So I have some inkling of what you are going through Rhurbarbandpears and it does feel very painful. Your DP feels that your sister may have a personality disorder, (s)he may well be right. It makes things more difficult because the person may not react reasonably to any attempts at a reconciliation. I know it is hard to swallow this but it is a good thing that she lives so far from you (and London is a big city even if you moved there). I do miss my parents who live near her abroad but I am glad I don't have to bump into her. I haven't fully come to terms with her behaviour towards me and I know that I may never really accept her rejection. I keep a photo of her on my shelf, determined that even though she refuses to acknowledge me as a sister, I refuse to counter this with hatred towards her. I'm crying as I write this...
I wish you all the best and there are lots of others going through this too.

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP. I posted last week about my brother who I have now cut all ties with as he is an alcoholic and has been a major source of worry and upset in our family for the last 10 yrs or so. It's hard, but I think sometimes we need to accept that just because we are siblings it doesn't automatically follow that we'll get on or be in one anothers lives. Would you accept this kind of behaviour from a partner ? If not, then why should your sister have a licence to treat you like this? Looking back I've always tried to get along with him for my parents benefit but I'm an adult now and I decide who is in my life. Good luck x.

Attila, I agree with you. It does sound like OP's sister has a personality disorder. And you would not tolerate such behaviour from a friend but somehow it is so much worse when someone from your family treats you like this. A sister has grown up with you and your relationship with her is meant to be one of life's longest. It is devastating when it breaks down.

and I agree with you too ryangoslingspants. Sorry you've had such a hard time with your brother.

Another one here with a sister who makes me sad. We used to be exceptionally close but are no longer.

Recently I realised that she only ever contacted me when she wanted something. It has been building a while but most recently she dropped out of my wedding a few days beforehand via text saying she was too busy...told me I could go to her wedding (didnt mention she was planning it until the invite dropped on the mat!) but wasn't allowed to take my fairly new baby or older dd...ignored baby's 1st birthday a couple of weeks ago, etc...

Anyway I suppose I'm just saying it does really hurt - but ultimately just because you're related doesn't mean you have to tolerate them being so horrible - limit contact and focus on what's good in your life!

I'm lucky in that respect but sadly your sister is no more likely to want to be your friend than any person at random.

She formed a view of you when she was immature and has had it for so long she can't change.

Sorry.