My parents marriage- I just hate visiting them.

[PerfectPersephone]

Just looking for some sympathy and empathy really.
Came back yesterday from a long weekend with my elderly parents ( mid 80s) and feel so stressed. They live 350 miles away so any visit has to include overnight stays, for a few days.

They don't get on and seriously considered divorce at 70 but my mum decided she could not bear to sell up and downsize ( they are not very well off.)

I do think they love each other ( she spends all her time nagging him about his health and what he needs to do, and she won't visit us because she won't leave him on his own.)

BUT they constantly war with each other and being in their company is awful. I know that it's their marriage but it affects everyone. Even my children ( now adults) don't like visiting( on their own ) because they hate the atmosphere. It's got to the point where I hate going to see them, and wonder if we should stay in a hotel just so we can 'escape'?

My dad is very old fashioned and likes to control all the money and decisions, and thinks my mum is incapable of this. She's not and the way she gets back at him is to constantly nag and contradict him- in front of us. She's very rude to him and I think it's her way of getting her own back for his controlling behaviour- and she gets 'courage' when other people are in the house.

If he is talking, she is making faces behind his back as if to say 'Boring, boring, silly old fool'. Or she argues outright with him. She tried to undermine him and as he had a stroke a few years back his speech is slower and his hearing is going, so it does take him longer to converse.

Their marriage is a sham- they have not eaten a meal together for years as they like to eat at different times. When we visit, my DH and I cook for us, and my parents cook for themselves. They don't share a bedroom- due to his snoring, supposedly. We visited recently for her birthday and he got her nothing, not even a card. I asked him why and he said there was no point getting her flowers as the garden was full of them. He said birthdays meant nothing at his age- to which she replied it wasn't about him, it was her birthday!

All in all it it is always stressful. I'd like to tell her how we feel and say we will stay at a hotel ( at great cost) just so we are not party to all the squabbling. BUT I know she would be hurt and as they are so old wonder if it's worth rocking the boat and letting them know how their behaviour affects others- or just let it go.

That sounds really really hard.

Can you stay with other family nearby? Or are there ownderdirect type rental places you can book out for a longer amount of time so you can just pop in on your parents?

I would say that it is probably not worth really saying anything and perhaps just try and make a joke about it with them.

My grandparents were like this! We all used to get very cross with my granddad over how he would speak to gran...that is until he died. We all empathise with him now cos as much as we love her she is a nightmare!

I suspect if you say anything you will be met by horror as they prob don't realise they are doing it. Realistically at their age they prob don't have a huge amount of time left (sorry) so is it worth causing hurt and upset? Could you do.it in a jokey way like "for god sake.you two. Anyone.would think.you hated each other" kind of way?

I would stay in a hotel, but maybe without telling her the reason. For your own sakes, yes, you should provide yourselves with an escape hatch.

Another thing you can consider doing is, when you catch them in the act of being rude to each other, point out that you don't feel comfortable hearing that kind of talk. Just that. Don't say "Mum. Dad, you are being rude", but "Mum, you just made a face behind Dad's back, and I'm not comfortable being around that kind of behaviour"

If you call them rude they can argue the toss with you. If you say you're uncomfortable, well, that's your prerogative. Of course, they will likely still kick off, but it's a position you can hold with confidence.

I sympathise. My parents are the same (genders reversed), and I haven't seen them in over a year now. There are no hotels nearby and I can't drive, and the thought of being trapped with them for a full weekend is more than I can bear.

Could you stay in a hotel but tell them that it is because you don't want to make extra work for them by staying with them?

Well as you live 350 miles away it's only a nuisance for you when you visit. They may adore seeing you but more than 48 hours and they could be feeling exhausted but too polite to tell you. (For that matter are you as easygoing and delightful guests as you believe?). They may seem to be at loggerheads but by this age they have presumably got used to each other.

Your visits are a break in routine for both families. They probably feel a mixture of anticipation and apprehension which can lead to a degree of stress which comes to the boil with you as an audience.

Regarding accommodation it makes total sense to have a bolthole where you can unwind after a fraught day. Next time there's a visit, fix up b&b or a holiday let within 5 miles and just say, "This is what we're doing".

If the DCs pick up on an atmosphere or ask why they don't get along just say it's a shame but that's how they are, we can't tell grown ups how to live their lives and you only ever see people some of the time so can't tell how they act together when we're not around.

It's always disturbing when our elders and betters show their flaws but unless you suspect there's bullying involved leave them to their own devices.

My dad is very old fashioned and likes to control all the money and decisions, and thinks my mum is incapable of this.

Oh, there's definitely bullying involved, Donkey. And it's not good to expose children to this -- they are busy absorbing and learning from their "elders and betters".

Just to correct any misunderstandings HDLIG- I'm not a child :) and my DCs are not children - they are adults.

Appreciate the comments. I do feel bad about even considering staying elsewhere and moaning here because I know that my parents won't be around much longer - in fact every time I see my dad he says he's 'dying'!

I suppose what makes it hard is that he is not a good husband in many ways though I am not party to this, as I am not there to witness it- just have my mum's version of events by phone- but I am party to my mum's snide asides, drawing in of breath through clenched teeth, and head shaking every time he speaks.

It's tough, I sympathise. Just muddle through as best you can; it's all any of us can do. In a situation like this, there just is no ideal outcome possible. Choose whatever you find works best for you, and good luck.

I was using elders and betters ironically btw and do know from experience that things linger in a child (of whatever age)'s memory for years after. MN is a good place to offload.

Was that an accidental n/c fail OP?