Please talk to me about 'mixing' families

[Educateme]

Good morning all.

Currently my situation is a bit of a mess, and I am thinking about the way forward.

I'd like to hear your experiences of mixing families, i.e. how it works in reality when a mum and child/ren set up with a man who is not the father of the child. Especially interested to hear about anyone who has got together with someone else when pregnant, or with a young baby.

What are the things to consider? Was the man able to love the child as his own? How much involvement, if any, did the biological father have? And what happened when more children arrived, were they treated the same? And if it did not work, how did the child cope?

Thank you for any responses. I know a few mixed families, but they have been with older children. I want to get some views on how it would actually work with a baby. I think it might be hard to avoid the '3 people in this marriage' thing, but then I think that if a child can have 3 people who love it, that can't be a bad thing really?

I had a 9 month old when i met DH ( I was v.v young too)

We muddled through, had some really hard times when "friends" of DH began to resent his family time as encouraged him to stop seeing me as i had baggage but DH found his own mind and 7 years later on is still the proud stepdad of my DS who calls him his very best friend.

Ds BF is involved, an afternoon once every two weeks with no telephone/skype contact in-between but that?s his fathers problem nothing to do with our family, we have welcomed more contact but he simply can?t be bothered.

We have no children of our own, but DH was there for the teething, tantrums, nappies and late nights and can?t understand how he could love his own child any differently for example he adores his nieces but he doesn?t have their pictures stuck to the inside of his van! Do you think parents of adopted children don?t love them like biological children?

In our home love is love no matter where it comes from and that is enough for us.

Thank you, Booster. Love is love no matter where it comes from is a great way of thinking about it.

Out of curiosity, and please do not feel obliged to answer, does your DS call his BF daddy?

I had a 6month old dd when I met dp, he was trying it on and so I blurted out I had a baby, usually guys back off then, he didn't! He asked questions and so on.

Things seemed to move on quickly and he was great with dd, fed her, done nappy changes(when she turned one, he was scared before then haa), reads her stories, puts her to bed etc etc... She now calls him daddy, which dp loves!

We've been together 2years now and now have a 4 month old dc together, both dc are equally loved and dp still does everything with dd, he's been scared to do much with baby dc as so small and fragile! Dd loves dp and it's lovely to see, I thought the chances of a relationship were slim after I had dd, dd's biological father isn't involved, he's mentally unhinged, violent and is a drug user, he made things extremely hard when dp and I met and so we moved away :)
We've been together 2years now

DH is called "my hisname" by DS, he has a Dad, knows his Dad and is comfortable with this. I have never seen the need to encourage the Daddy name and it may come in time on his own speed or may never will either is fine with me.

When we are out at parties, events etc others will refer to DH as Dad to my DS and he never corrects them, he's a parent at the end of the day and that?s all he sees.

Don?t worry about the labels, focus on developing a kind nurturing relationship and the rest will follow.

Good luck! I am from a mixed family myself and I am actually closer to DSM that my own DM as DM is a narc but DSM has supported me through thick and thin. I am very lucky to have her.