How do you grow a harder heart?

[2013go]

I read great advice here about no contact, self respect, etc but though I nod along and see the wisdom, I can't move on and take it myself. Despite delighting in the dcs, exercising, working, seeing friends etc I can't find any closure at all from the ex.
I've read baggage reclaim, I know I'm on a hiding to nothing, yet I just feel so addicted to this person. Currently we're having a kind of non friendship friendship but I can't do it, it's too hard. Yet I can't do nc either.
So where do I get the balls to be that strong person? The one who says 'I'm worth more than this' or 'his trip' and 'so what?'
Why am I having a little sob into my pillow when I am a grown woman??
How long does it take to wise up and get over it??

How long were you together and why did it end?

It takes a long time. But you are getting it the wrong way round, you have to cut contact to get over him. You don't get over him and then cut contact.

About 16 months, then a sort of break, then on again for about three or so. Always turbulent, abusive really. Dumped both times. I get it, he doesn't care for me or want me, treated me poorly, there's no future. Just want to harden up and get real- know I am being a twat! It's just HOW???

I was doing well with over a month nc, but failed and broke it. Now in a crap limbo instead, a sort of stasis. Nc would mean it's all over forever, which it is, I see that, but it's the total cutting of all ties I find so weird/ don't want to do

imagine this:your DD or DS came home told you all of that.
read your posts as if they were written by your dcs.
What would you advise them to say or do?

write that down.

now read it out loud.
there's your answer -well to start with anyway.

think of him as cancer that destroys a body and must be gotten ridvof. vut him out as if you were doing it for your kids.

good luck, you can do it!

hth x

It is so hard. I know where you are completely. I think part of it is recognising that at some point your brain will tell you that you are ready and it will happen. In the mean time keep going back to the Mr Unavailable book, the NC book (they are more useful than the website which is just good for 'top ups'). I read them over and over again to remind me and eventually I got to a point of a bit more acceptance. It has got a whole load more complicated again but I did actually reach a point where I felt strong enough to do it.

The usual stuff helps too- keep busy, find something which is not related to him that you can achieve (I randomly took up sewing), write stuff down in a book if you feel like contacting him rather than calling him or emailing, make a list of plans for the future, spend lots of time with friends and recognise the achievement. The month was fantastic. You know you can do it you just have to stick it out a little longer.

Good luck
I know how incredibly hard it is x

It takes as long as it takes but you will need no contact to do it! I tried the friendship route and it doesn't work. It hurts more for longer and messes with your head.

It's not your heart that needs to harden up its your will power and self worth. Over time it comes together but it would do you good to find that stubborn streak and use it to say enough is enough. Don't feed the pain and prolong the heartache anymore.

Buy tissues and brace yourself! Cry, cry and then cry some more. Begin to let him go! Then replace him with something. A new hobby or adventure. Keep occupied, buy more tissues, cry more and just keep going. Eventually he will become less significant and it does get easier.

It is about accepting that the last couple of years has been a painful waste.

It is about grieving and taking that hurt on.

That is what is in letting go, and why we resist it. It HURTS to be faced with.... nothing.

Unfortunately when you have children together, going completely non-contact is not a viable option for many years whilst jointly parenting.

I keep communication as brief as possible, choose email or text over speaking and ensure handovers are prompt and he rarely sets foot in my home.

They say that it takes half the length of the relationship to get over it, so 2 years down, only 5 1/2 to go! Being in a new relationship changes your perspective and the ex is no longer at the fore. I hope to find that out for myself one day.........

You won't get over it UNTIL you go NV, which means no checking Facebook etc., no nothing.
It is really hard. Maybe make a list of things you can do to distract yourself when you feel the urge to contact/check.

NC not NV!

Thank you all for giving good advice and not being too hard on me! I know what I need to do- I always think had I gone nc back last year I'd be over it by now! But the mental effort, intrigue etc is still too necessary for me to clear him from my mind.
It's the separation of real guy and pretend guy
The scrutiny of my own behaviour
The injustices and cruelty I can't get my head around
The fact he was the only man I have ever really madly 'loved'
Missing the adventures
The intrigue of the little crumbs
Scared of being alone/ never finding anyone else
All complicated further by the fact he will be in this town by the end of the year- taking up a job.
The headfuck of realising the previous two years were a big lie and yet I had trust, let him meet the dcs, opened up my heart etc

I feel your pain OP. I was doing NC until he contacted me on my Birthday last month. I was doing well and now I'm right back down again. It's like he knew I was moving on so he thought he'd just appear again. I replied and we've exchanged a few emails and bumped into each other (can't be helped)

I feel heartbroken all over again. I want to go NC again but feel so childish and petty doing it. I want to be a grown up and deal with the odd friendly email but it's so hard. Read all the books, doing all the going out with friends, running, exercise classes etc. but he is firmly planted in my head :-(