Wisey would just like some support please.

[akaWisey]

DD is going through a really tough time since she went away. She hates the course, she's in her first 'proper' relationship but it's quite abusive, I get a lot of the bad stuff, she is waiting for a CAMHS appointment next week, her fucking father has asked my DS if he would do some work on the house he and OW have just bought together (the week after I moved in to the lovely little house I've bought for me and DD) and now ex has texted me to talk about what's going on for DD. I knew he would do this. I don't want to see him, text him, exchange emails, meet, talk, anything.

He has me on the subject matter though - DD. He continues to manipulate her and the latest trick is to take her to look at university's in the fucking USA in August- despite the fact that she tells me she doesn't now want to go to uni. But he will make it happen if he wants it.

Help me please. Either support me in ignoring him or replying in such a way that i retain my hard won dignity but declines - or something. He still has a way of making me shake??

Thanks.

Sounds like this man is trying to provoke a reaction from you.
I would just ignore and remember that detaching is the best tactic for people like him.

My suggestions would be to keep the focus on your dd and try to empower her as much as possible. She is a vulnerable age at a vulnerable stage (it sounds) and she is still in the process of growing up. Encourage her to see any life decisions as hers to make although she can take on board advice. But you can still turn it back on to her (i.e. so your dad thinks this, what do YOU think.) Is your ex using financial strings to influence?

And keep protecting yourself. If you have to interact, keep it as business-like as possible. Keep your emotions in check. Do not engage. That will help to make you feel as in control as possible. Good luck.

Hi wisey. Really Sorry to hear your DD is having a tough time (and you too). Are the school / college any good with pastoral care, could they be someone neutral to talk to? And camhs could be a good thing.

Congratulations on the new home!

Your DD knows you're there for her. Think there're some good threads on here about helping DDs in bad relationships, tips on how to encourage them to see things aren't right.

Sad that her father is still being manipulative etc. I fear little good could come of discussion with him, especially if he's still confusing her and trying to make decisions for her (that suit him).

Maybe one response could be to agree to meet him to discuss, with a mediator present!

Hi Wisey. I don't know your back story, so will answer based on this post.

I don't want to see him, text him, exchange emails, meet, talk, anything.

This is ok. If you don't want to do these things, please do not do them. There is no law which obliges you to communicate with any other human being (unless they are the Inland Revenue or something. ) There is no moral obligation either, especially if you are dealing with an abusive ex.

It sounds like a typical abusive ruse, too - trying to trick someone into communication by using the children, and discussing school or college, or something else that any reasonable parent feels obligated to respond to.

So if you don't want to speak to him, don't let him guilt trip you or trick you into it.

Your DD doesn't sound as if she's in a good place at the moment. So it's not a good time for him to be discussing college in the US. He can't make her go or force them to accept her, anyway, so it might be best to dismiss this as so much talk.

I think cubicle makes a good suggestion - to focus on encouraging and empowering your DD, while giving as little 'oxygen' as possible to your toxic ex.

Thank you.

I've been sitting thinking about a response as opposed to no response. The best I could think of was "no need thanks" but I haven't actually done anything.

I know he'll be trying to butt in and control/interfere/fact-find/stick the knife in about his new home with OW at best. At worst I think he'll want to try and do what he did about her going away like he did last time - present what HE wants as a fait acomplis. Probably all those things.

In the past month he's suggested he comes to my regular poker school (as if nothing has happened), asked if my DS will do up his new house, and now he wants to talk to me about DD - he's ignored her despair for two whole years and I've been here getting on with it and trying to guide her and love her.
I think she's told him we've had a bad weekend (we have) and he wants to rush in to divide us even more by being the great hero.

I can't contemplate seeing him with a mediator - he'd see that as a sign of weakness and it won't stop me from wanting to kill him.

I've made my mind up. I'm not seeing him for any reason. I've weathered a shit load of shit this last two years without his interventions. I just don't know whether to resume no contact or decline his suggestion.

Maybe you could just say in a text: DD working through some stuff at the moment and am helping her, will let you know if there's anything you can do, but until then managing fine

That's good wisey, you'll decide how to communicate it.

Can't you not reply at all? I get the impression that whatever you say will always be twisted or turned back to you.

my preference is always for no contact at all. Just none. Given your later post, it seems as if he's really wheedling and pushing for it; so my suggestion is to push back by making no response at all.

It is your call though Wisey, you do know best.

Mad and wordy yes, to me it doesn't matter if he's found redemption in the arms of his true love - what matters is how he is with me and DD.

He, to use the term from chump lady, gets to eat the cake whether it's with me and OW or me and DD.

I won't be a chump any more and ideally I'd like to get to the stage where I don't literally shake when he does these things.

Don't reply. Who's it going to help?

Only him.

Given that the best I could think of was "got a handle on what's going on for DD so don't see how a conversation with you would achieve anything"

I think I'll do what most are suggesting - ignore. Anything else will be an oxygen supply to a man I'd rather suffocate actually.

Thank you all. I'm calmer now.

Hang in there wisey

Stay strong Wisey and keep posting.

Bloody hell, he usually gives up when I'm silent.

But no. I've had another text - he realises I don't want to meet to talk about DD so he's going to email me.

I've spoken to DD and she's happy again. her DF is going to buy her a car and she's found a way to stick with a course she hates for the next year . Apparently all is well.

So I can't imagine what I need to speak with ex about. The CAMHS appt? He'd be so disinterested in that.

I should treat the email (when it comes) the same as I treat the texts. Ignore, not wonder wtf he just ignores about why it's not wanted, yes?

I can't tell you how offensive and calculating he is. TWO FUCKING YEARS!!!

He wants something. I think I'm ranting but I'd like reminding that this isn't me being a bitter woman.

I don't think you're ranting at all Wisey. And you aren't being bitter, you are protecting your health and your boundaries.

He's being very persistent, and it's completely inappropriate. Your DD is old enough for college, old enough for a car - therefore an adult. The days of child contact are over. He is an ex: surely he doesn't need to speak to you at all (does he?)

I don't know much about him, but if he makes you shake he has to stay out of your life.

If you're keen to know what's in the email, can a friend read it for you? Otherwise, how about directing his communications where all the other junk mail goes.... .? ;)

wordybird he has to stay out of my life.

In my view now we have the consent order there is no reason other than life or death situations for us to communicate about DD.

I would only contact him about the latter. He would only contact me about the former. That's who he is.

Thank you. I can (I think) block him if I get his email address. I did it before.

Ignore, you have the measure of him and you know no good will come of playing into his game whatever it is. Is your DS now talking to him? You have protected your DD and gone to hell and back doing it. Deep down she must know still what he is like (or has all that been forgotten?) and at some point - probably not just yet for both your sakes - she will be able to make her own decisions about him. This man actually texts you to say he is going to email. Do make sure you have all the staff lined up in the hall when you send it to the Special Junk from Twunt folder.

No Juliette my DS isn't in contact, hasn't been in over 2 years. Their relationship was awful toward the end. If DS knew that ex had accessed his bank account on at least one occasion I honestly think he'd assault ex, never mind do his fucking love-nest up.

When ex asked DD if her DB would do work on his new house I immediately thought about telling my DS about the bank account thing. I didn't because in some way ex would probably get some benefit from that information coming to light. That's how sick it was .

No email forthcoming yet. Maybe he will, maybe he won't.