My Mother was abused and now its causing issues

[StarSwirl92]

So I'm 20 and for about the last 5 years my relationship with my mother has been increasingly difficult. I've felt that she pushes a lot of herself on me and though we are similar we are not the same. I looked after her and her mother when they fell ill at the same time and continued to look after my mother after my Gran recovered (my Dad works away)

I juggled this with university, my relationship with my significant other and (though this is probably due to the stress I was under) bouts of moderate depression. My mother made it really hard for me when I was being treated and later admitted it was because she was jealous that I was on antidepressants while she refused to get any kind of help.

This all came to a head after constant low level fights and passive aggressiveness on both parts (I am under no illusions, I am not perfect). Still one night she admitted that she had been struggling more and more with memories of sexual abuse she suffered as a child from two male relatives. One has subsequently died, but the other lives near us, though we never see him and I dislike him anyway. Still the revelation is tearing my Dad apart and my younger brother has had to deal with my mother falling apart through his childhood.

We have all been sworn to secrecy and have only just managed to convince my mother to seek counselling, which I doubt will happen. I understand she wants to make my Gran's final years (She's 80 but in good health) as peaceful and harmonious as possible as she had a hard life as a single mother, but this silence is coming at the cost of my own little family. I want nothing more than to tell my loving boyfriend everything so I have someone to talk to, I hate keeping secrets, but my word means everything to me (a promise is a promise)

I just feel lost and alone as I can't bring anything up with her as I'm still treated as a child. But I feel like I grew up along time ago having to look after her in hospital and my little brother at home.

Please help.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
I have nothing helpful as I can't imagine what you must be going through.
Just bumping for you as I'm sure others will be along soon with some good advice.

What a horrendous thing for you all to go through. I know it must be very frustrating knowing that tour DM should go to counselling, but you must be patient. It sounds like she is reliving those events, and I can tell you from personal experience that it is a truly horrifying thing to go through. She will probably be doubting her sanity and may not really know what was real or not, if she is making a fuss about nothing, or not making enough of a fuss about it.

I would recommend counselling for yourself, as the repercussions of abuse have the potential to ripple down through generations. you also need a safe place to talk about your feelings concerning this very upsetting situation, and give yourself a space to offload your stresses and anxieties.

A lot has been piled into your shoulders. The best thing you can do is to really take care of yourself so your are better able to deal with all the extra responsibility that comes with having close relatives who are emotionally needy.

Ascertaining what your boundaries are is vital. It sounds like your DM has little respect for your boundaries so you will have to decide what they are and stick to them. All this is easier said than done!

Good luck OP, I hope this helps a little.x

Forgot to say, it's not your job to take on her emotional rubbish. Children of abused parents often end up taking on a load of shit in order to help the parent but it does nobody any good and causes so many problems.

You are not your mother's carer, StarSwirl. Emotionally or physically. That is far too heavy and unfair a burden she is putting on you.

Can you access counselling through your university? Or your GP, if you don't already to deal with your depression. You need a place to offload, at the very least. And you really need to learn how to put boundaries in place.

Yes, what your mother suffered is awful, and she deserves sympathy. But you are her child, not the parent in this set-up. To preserve your own mental health, I think you are going to have to start imposing limits on how much you do for your mother, and how much you listen to her about her past abuse and current trauma. It is not healthy for either of you that you are her confidante. She needs help from professionals, not from her daughter. The sad thing is that she must be ready to ask for that help herself - you cannot be responsible for that. It has to come from her.

Take care of yourself.

I agree and disagree.

Both my parents overused me as a confidante at your age. My father had also been sexually and physically abused and was very broken and though he did access professional help, he failed to get sober and was often horrendous.

I do agree that you need counselling to support you in setting limits and finding a way to be compassionate towards yet not entangled in your mother's story.

However, I would caution against just being angry or categorizing your mother's actions as unfair (outside of therapy anyway) as ultimately love and compassion for her suffering is more healing for you as for her.

For me personally, support for and from family while no substitute for professional help is to be valued as a human good. I know at 35 and after therapy what I can give in line with those values and what is depleting and bad for me. you need support to find the right balance for you in line with what you view as of importance in your situation.

Thank you all so much, sometimes its nice to just know that other people understand. I will keep up with my own counselling and re double my efforts to be as understanding as possible. I just need some time to recharge.

Sorry to hear you're going through this Star.

Has your mother spoken to NAPAC? Www.napac.org.uk, for people abused in childhood. Their number is 0800 085 3330.

If you are in the North West, message me, I can maybe help signpost you to some organisations that could provide help.