Relate .... Is it supposed to be this painful?

[mrscraig]

To cut a long story short I found my dh was having an affair six weeks ago.
I was utterly devastated and heart broken, still am but seem used to living with it.
We have decided to try again, he's just moved back in.
We went to relate and it was excruciating, painful and it was like I was living the moment all over again. A few days later it still feels raw. Is this normal? Is it worth sticking to it? We've got another session lined up in a couple of weeks but am so unsure this is way forward. I felt better before.
I wish this pain would go away. I'm a shadow of myself.

Our counsellor was lovely looking back, but she was very 'fair' - as they should be - getting us to weigh up almost 50/50 our marriage and at such an early stage I was just too raw and angry for that if that makes sense.

This is why relate can be counterproductive - the betrayer is let off the hook. However, remember that it was his CHOICE to cheat. If there were marital problems/issues, why couldn't he have talked to you and chosen other ways of resolving these? The simple answer is because he is far too selfish and decided to shag OW instead.

I think going to Relate separately would be a better plan. You are feeling a shadow of your former self - you need support to feel whole again before deciding if you want to continue with him, surely?

Can you book in alone with the same counsellor before your next appointment, tell her how you have been feeling, how the session made you feel? She needs to know so she doesn't inadvertently hurt you more.

I found relate hideously painful too, and know well that raw, exposed, panicky feeling afterwards. Eventually I went to a counsellor alone, that was still painful during sessions, but somehow she puts it all away before the end of a session so I feel mostly ok afterwards.

Hope things work out ok. It has worked out for me, we are no longer together. Everything is fine though, more or less.

What was the reason that he moved back home? I only ask because I'd presumme in this scenario that if you were seperated, that before he moved back in, something would have changed that made you want him back.

You seem so uncertain, I think that individual counselling could help you figure out what you need and want out of life and whether this relationship will fulfill those needs and wants.

It doesn't sound like he's taken responsibility for the affair -for instance, why is this being kept a secret from his family and your mutual friends, what are the consequences of the affair if he gets to play the nice guy?

I am certain I want us to work out. Am uncertain if this is way to go.
I feel so so sad.
It is my choice not to tell people . If we are to work the fewer people who know the better. I can't bear the thought of being talked about. He has a very emotionally distant relationship with his parents and family so they would be last people to turn to for anything.
In terms of our relationship before. I can see much of it was him goading to justify what he was doing. He says he is sorry for that.
I know it was his choice. It definitely wasn't mine. I would have done anything to get us back on track and he knows that now. I feel angry too but overwhelming sadness more than anything. I thought relate might help me to help myself deal with all these horrible emotions. I know I have to go through the pain as it were but wanted to help myself through it rather than feel utterly lost.
Thanks for all the responses. I font know what I'd have done without mn over last few weeks x

Counselling can be very painful, but it should be a step towards unburdening yourself. My understanding is that the pain shouldn't go on for long though. Why don't you speak to the counsellor about it?

Also, how about having some counselling alone?

Thank you for replying. I think maybe go again and explain how it made me feel so rotten. Reassuring to know not just me!
Might consider going alone. How is that different from going as a couple?

You need to be able to process your own feelings and thoughts. Until you have done that, you cannot make long term decisions about the marriage. The problem is that your approach shows he can get away with cheating - he knows you are desperate to stay with him and that you will do anything to make it work.

He on the other hand needs to look into himself to see why he chose to have an affair and what traits, values and issues led to this choice and work on these.

He needs to be doing all the hard work on changing himself and on helping you recover.

And as for confiding in people in RL - remember the shame is all HIS. Do not shield him and you do need real life support.

Mrs Craig FWIW - we both went to IC and not MC. I also told no one because we were supposed to be working it out.

Well, it hasn't worked out.

MC I think would have required him to be honest, and the MC could have to me to control my emotions a bit. He would have had to be more open than he has been.

I have finally told people, and am amazed at the level of support I have received and the DISAPPROVAL he has received. Men especially.

So I would have done it different. MC, and let our circle of friends know. You know? Make him accountable to people other than me, because now he blames me for 'not getting over it'.

Individual counselling is likely to be less painful because you are not having to go over your feelings in front of your h as well as the counsellor - you can really have a go at saying what you feel without worrying about anyone else's feelings. Also, it would be more about getting your head round it all, rather than being about the relationship I think.

Big strong mama is right.

What you mind find is that having some counselling on your own is appropriate for now and you could 'bank' the marriage counselling for later, if you think it appropriate then.

I've seen posts on here over the years about Relate that lead me to the conclusion that not all of their counsellors really get it. I've always had the impression too (from friends and colleagues who've used them) that they are fine for couples who've run adrift a bit, but are a bit useless at really serious stuff like affairs or addictions. I.e fine when it's six of one and half a dozen of another, but a bit clueless when one of the couple has completely sabotaged things and it would be inappropriate to ask the other party to accept any responsibility for that (e.g you in this case).

Can you articulate why you felt so bad in that first session? Was there anything about the counsellor's body language, questions or what he or she said that contributed to that? Did you get any feeling coming back that you were being asked to take responsibility for something that you'd had no involvement in- the affair?