Staying together for financial reasons

[PollyMolloy]

hi, back story is been with dp for over twenty years, three DCs 14, 8 and 6. Two years ago after a long time of it not being right I told him I didn't love him anymore. Lots of discussion. We stayed together, partly because of our children, mostly financial reasons basically. He still loves me.

why have you posted ?

do you advocate this approach ?

have a question ?

want to change things ?

We are having one of our periodic upheavals at the moment brought about by me asking if we should tell the children, particularly the eldest, what the situation is. She asks pointed questions and recently confessed to minor incident of self harm. I worry she is aware but unsure and insecure.
It's very hard t

Sorry iPad seizing up and threatening to crash.
Just want advice on handling this situation

I think staying together for any reason other than love or mutual respect and care is very damaging. You don't love him, but he still loves you? I can imagine it must be like walking on egg shells.

We mostly rub along well. He is a great dad, very nice man and represses all of his frustration. Or is stoic maybe.
I

Bloody ipad. What ground rules has anyone else formed?

I can't advise you, tbh

I do not agree with staying together for either finacial reasons nor to protect the kids

It tends to have the opposite effect, as is now starting to present itself to you

Ok you don't agree so as you say can't advise. I accept that.
Can anyone who is in a similar situation advise? Or who can envision and empathise with, a similar situation.
Do you share a bed? What if there is not room for you to have separate rooms. What if you are earning less than him. Is it ok to still have the shared finances i.e. I run the house, have a part time job, he works long hours and earns the money to pay for most bills.
So hard to get your head around it and very little in the way of role models, culture.

You are being cruel to your husband, cruel to your children and you are not allowing yourself to live a happy and fulfilled job.

What do you want us to say?

Are you Happy with the situation? As i said, if there is mutual respect and care, the fact that you aren't "in love" would be secondary, but if there is animosity and melt downs, its not healthy for anyone. I have experience of this as my parents stayed together for my sake. I wish they hadn't, they made each other unhappy for the rest of their lives and i was piggy in the middle.

Why are you so keen to keep the status quo ?

Would it not be fairer, more transparent for your kids to split and give both of you the opportunity to find happiness with someone else ?

how very very sad for you all.

Very little animosity and no melt downs. Discussions late into the night and both very tired and dispirited yes.
I did a search and found that there are posters in similar positions and would like their advise and if possible, support.
For myself I would like to be able to afford the house next door, knock through, have my own space, he has his, kids a room each.

financial can all change if one of you gets run over tomorrow or decides to leave or ......
you not married right? how are the finances set up? who owns what?

you wont get any spousal maintenance if you split (nor him) only child maintenance if you not married dps

i would focus on getting some help for your daughter, maybe family therapy altogether where you can bring everything out into the open...it might be minor self harm now but it could easily escalate if she isnt getting help..... and is picking up on the atmosphere ..... try youngminds.org.uk

The current situation - together but no longer committed to your relationship (at least on your side) and most importantly not bei.g upfront about it with your children, sounds as if it's extremely confusing and possibly distressing for them.

If you want to continue living in the same house but leading separate lives because it provides you all with a better lifestyle you need to (a) find appropriate accommodation, eg separate rooms / areas for Mum + Dad, (b) agree the ground rules (what happens with new partners etc) and (c) tell your kids what you are doing and why.

I have friends who did this quite successfully where the F lives in a separate apartment within the family home, kids travel between the two areas.

However, this would only work if you both see it as a viable solution.

If your H couldn't live like this, and many couldn't, or wouldn't, your are going to have to bite the bullet and separate.

Ah Diagonally and Cestlavielife thank you that is constructive.
I know that neither of us would have any rights financially. If you are not married your only financial commitment is to the children. We jointly own the house with around £80,000 equity in it. So you see that a split would not enable either of us to buy a big enough property again. I could rent using my equity until I ever manage to earn enough to keep myself afloat independently- that would be my last extreme option. DP might be able to buy again smaller on his salary, I'm not sure. He thinks not.
Having had a few days to think and calm I do think it could work but with very clear rules as you say and telling the children is a must imo. I spoke to a friend this morning who has gone through a separation recently where she and her husband had to share for a few months and she was shocked that we hadn't told them anything yet.

Why not read this thread about a couple who stayed together for financial reasons?

I read the opening post and saw nothing relevant to my situation. My partner and I do not snipe attach other. We are not at war. We get along well. We have lived with this state of affairs for two years already. One thing which stands out from that OP is the lying and denial. They have separate bedrooms "because of his snoring" for instance. Openess with the children has been recommended upthread and is something I have stated I am keen to arrange with DP.
We haven't had a physically affectionate relationship for many years, no sex since our last child was conceived but we do get along.
One of the things we need to discuss is what will happen when the children are older. At the moment he is nervous about what the future holds.
Tensions arise when possible future relationships are discussed. When I suggest talking to the children. When we go over again how we arrived at where we are. But we can still discuss.

Do you see other people for your sexual needs or just don't bother?

Would you be comfortable with him seeing other people?

I could live like you but would want the green light to see others as long as discreet.

I think open relationships can work but only if both parties agree. I assume your husband wouldn't?

different point of view here for instance

I haven't felt the need to have another relationship. I have told him that I would love it if he found someone else. He deserves a loving sexual relationship. Recently a man asked me out for coffee and I wanted to because he is very chatty and interesting but felt I couldn't as it would hurt my partner.