How to improve self esteem??

[Movingforward123]

Not sure that this is the correct place for this thread but thought I would post anyway!

I have stared reading 'mr unavailable and the fallback girl' and realised that I need to improve my self esteem urgently! I get that it may take time, but I feel I need to take actual steps to improve it, Instead of just knowing that I need to be kinder etc to myself.

The writer of this book Natalie Lue also does a e-course to improve self esteem but it is about £150 and I'm sure there must be an easy to follow but effective book out there that will help.

Any ideas or tips welcome

I really feel its time to change and wan to get moving

I looked at that course last week but it's so much money! I am reading a couple of books at the moment, a lot of advice seems to be about working to recognise negative voices in your head and learning to challenge them.

Yes it is a lot of money. That's why I thought books might be better.

What books are you reading at the moment? I think the reason I was interested in that course is because her book seems very straight talking and no skirting around the edges. Where as I feel that possibly some I the books will have exercises in them that just seem odd and quite out there.

I have "learn to love yourself enough" by Andew Marshall, which is quite good but I think for "mild problems", and "The Emotionally Absent Mother" by Jasmin Lee which I am finding good but quite painful as it reflects my feelings very closely. I grew up feeling very much on the edge of my family which has left me a bit desperate for affection. OK in a teenager, not so OK in middle age!

PS th exercises so far have been about remembering messages you were given while growing up, and recognising your inner voice when it starts to put you down. Nothing too "wooo" :)

I will have a look at both of them thank you :)

well good luck with the books, perhaps we should keep each other updated on what is and isnt working?

I am going to finish reading mr unavailable before moving onto other books.

That sounds a good plan :)

Being kinder to yourself is lovely, but I think your instinct is correct that that's not really what self-esteem is about.

I see it as very practical. This is what I've gleaned from talking to and observing people with high self-esteem. They make decisions (in career, relationships, friendships etc) that make them feel good, that work out well for them. They don't understand why anyone would choose to feel rubbish, or choose to hang around with people who make them feel rubbish. They don't mistake "feeling rubbish" for anything else, they don't automatically wonder what's wrong with them when a situation makes them feel rubbish. They see it for what it is, and identify the sources and eliminate them.

That's the person you're aiming to emulate with every choice you make.

E.g. recall an occasion when you got into a relationship with someone who made you feel like crap, by being unavailable, or blowing hot and cold, or whatever. When they first started making you feel like crap, did you think "Hm, this isn't much fun" and back off? No, you probably didn't. Instead, you may have associated "feeling like crap" with "being in love", trying to win the person over etc. Rather than identifying the source of "feeling like crap" as external, you probably started to question what you could be doing differently. The point of having good self-esteem is to understand that you deserve to feel good now, not when you've jumped through a load of unspecified hoops.

Bump

I badly need to do this too

I'm going to keep an eye on this thread too! Is Natalie Lue the author of Baggage Reclaim? That book was a total light bulb moment read for me. Wish I had read it years ago. But am interested in any recommendations for stuff related to self esteem.

What MadBusLady says really resonates with me.

I think I always had a very deep seated belief that I was a crap person and didn't deserve to be treated as well as everyone else.

I had counselling to try and deal with it, which helped a bit, but mainly dredged up the past.

The thing I've found most helpful is basically what MadBusLady descibes: when I'm in one of those situations when I'm about to become a doormat or jump through those hoops, I stop and think 'would a reasonable person do this?' It helps to have someone in mind, like a more confident friend. The answer is usually 'no' and then I just 'pretend' that I am that reasonable, non crap person and refuse to engage.

After a while it feels less like acting and starts to become part of life.

I did this recently with a 'friend' who blows hot and cold, depending who else of 'higher' status is present. She is part of a group who are all like that, very teenage playground. It gave me a twinge of guilt at first to be cool towards her, and then this feeling of wholesomeness came over me. Really good.

I had counselling to try and deal with it, which helped a bit, but mainly dredged up the past.

Yes, me too! I think the first few sessions I ever had were helpful, they brought out stuff I hadn't thought about before. But after that you are basically just repeating yourself. And I am pretty good at constantly analysing myself anyway. I know why I behave in certain ways, but just that knowledge didn't change anything at all. I needed to copy other people who were doing things better.

There's one book that does talk about a lot of this stuff, though I read it quite a while ago now, Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman.

That's such a useful post, MadBusLady, thank you. I am just in the process of learning this now. I'm 46 so it's taken me a while! But it's really making a difference to my decision making and I am getting so much better at detaching from situations that just aren't working for me. Not passive-aggressively - just calmly and quietly stepping back.

I've completely turned my self-esteem around just by reading books, Feel the Fear is my bible! I have had therapy but as MadBusLady says, it?s helpful at first but then you end up repeating yourself (sometimes I used to dread the sessions as I would run out of things to say and I felt like I had to fill the awkward silences talking nonsense!).

The books I have read have been WAY more helpful than the 12 sessions of counselling I had. My self-esteem is now really high and I'm much more confident. All from working on myself with the help of the books I have read.

Good luck!

I don't get the self-esteem exercises - I find them so fake. And patronising to myself - to tell myself that I'm beautiful or good, or strong. And in counselling I was made to feel as though I had a problem because I felt uncomfortable saying and doing these things. Madbuslady's post is far more useful - it's about what you actually do in a practical sense that is important, not repeating mantras in front of a mirror to convince yourelf.

I have found that looking around me at people who are dynamic, a bit selfish perhaps and those that put themselves first has been helpful. I think we spend far too much time worrying about other peoples feelings. As mothers we have to do this, it's part of motherhood - empathy. I find it hard to put that to one side with other people in my life so end up a walking patsy to anyone who wants to take advantage.

I have now found that I will procrastinate as a way to sabotage what I am capable of doing and moving forward - why do I do that I wonder? It must be linked to self-esteem...

Funny you mention procrastination as linked in with self-esteem, wonderingagain. I've just started reading 'The road less travelled' (mentioned on another thread, forgotten which one) and it explains procrastination as a symptom of low self worth. People who do not value their time, because they don't value themselves, procrastinate. Once they start treating their time as something important to them they find they procrastinate less.

I feel I procrastinate when I don't identify enough with the task. Part of my job involves admin and I procrastinate over that. There are other parts of my job which I love, and don't procrastinate over at all.

To me it's as if I used to be more assertive but a combination of motherhood and loss of earnings/career have made me too much of a walkover. I don't want to become one of those selfish self-centred people either though, the world is already too full of them!

Look here for free CBT modules:
www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/minipax.cfm?mini_ID=20

Oops - better link
www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=47

I try to live by the motto "people can only make you feel inferior with your consent".

Lizza - thank you for the link it looks very useful!

I was speaking with a lady today that does NLP and cbt, I was actually talking about me over eating all the time. She said cbt could help with that and other things.

I have been in counselling with my counsellor for about 3-4 years, she said I have made massive steps, I know I am more self aware etc, but I don't think I am any happier. She doesn't do cbt, but after looking it up I wonder if cbt might work better for me as I am quite goal orientated and it may work better for me if I had 'homework' to do each week.

It does seem a very long time I have been in counselling, but I like going there and often feel I don't have a lot of people that I can trust around me amd trust their opinion so i guess that's why I have been going for so long.

Does anyone have experience with cbt and other types of counselling?

I've just had some CBT and it's been quite good, I've learnt that some of my worrying is actually just procrastinating, so I'm making things more of a problem than they need to be because it helps me avoid doing what I need to do.

I think it's better for people with anxiety disorders where worrying becomes a major issue and you are worrying about things that people wouldn't normally worry about. My problem is that I have a lot of things I worry about that actually do need worrying about iyswim.

The procrastinating thing is about valuing your time, yes, but it's also about not wanting to achieve anything because it might fail or it might be wrong. So sabotage it before it's finished and you can't say it's not good enough because it's never done! And then you get accused of being a perfectionist or wanting to have total control - and then they wonder why you have no self-esteem!

Arrgh!

Yes, I have had solution focused brief therapy (SFBT), have had five sessions so far. I have done conventional counselling in the pasr, but felt there was only so much to say there. Childhood was damaging yes, but to be honest, the Stately Homes thread was far more use in understanding why.
I did not want to go back to counselling, but accessed this therapy after leaving a difficult marriage, and suffering from paralysing anxiety. It has really, really helped so far.
Otherwise, just wanted to say Madbuslady's post was helpful, thank you.

I'm glad people found that helpful.

poogate, would you tell us some of the books that you have found useful, as well as Feel the Fear?