Help- Mum making my split with EXP harder to bear.

[Verygentlydoesit]

I've recently split from partner of 10 years. We have a 6yo DS. Sadly he is a very selfish man, and what MN would probably call a man child.....

I finally started to properly standup to his selfishness and asked to be treated better. This precipitated us splitting up. It has been an emotional rollercoaster for me and I'm trying very hard to stand firm, not minimise the way he has treated me, cope with grieving for my relationship, care for DS.

My mum has tried to support me but we have a difficult relationship. She is constantly telling me I seem distant, rude, am smothering DS, that he seems to have list his sparkle, that I should be looking to go from working PT to full time, that if I spoke to EXP how I speak to her no wonder he had gone......

Every time I see her she says several times I seem distant and rude. TBH I am quieter than normal, but I'm struggling and treading on egg shells to avoid a row with her.

I'm aware of the pitfall of overcompensating for DS and spoiling or smothering him, and I'm trying to make sure that I don't do that. He has had sad and angry moments but mostly he seems ok. He is my absolute priority, I'm going my best but still it's not good enough in her books.

She called me this morning on my way to work, and off she went. I stood up to her when he said I sounded distant and rude- I explained I'm sorry it seems that way, I'm struggling, trying to hold it together and that if she couldn't handle seeing me struggle maybe she should stay out of the way. I know it was quite a bean thing to say.

She laid into me massively, now I'm horribly upset, red eyes, snotty, sad- sitting in a lay by trying to pull myself together because I have to do a days work. I'm now late for work.

I feel guilty for having a go at her, I wish she would leave me alone.

I'm ranting, I know. I just needed to get it out. Grrrrrrrrrrr!

Before anything else - I'm so sorry things are so difficult for you, and that you aren't getting the support from where you would most expect to.

It seems that your mother is grieving the end of your relationship in terms of what it means to her, and is taking it out on you.

I suspect that at the same time you stood up for yourself with your EXP you probably also started standing up for yourself with your DM, and she disliked it just as much as your EXP did.

It's difficult to give advice, but I know when my DH and I hit a rough patch I had to put a lot of distance between myself and my DM simply because she was too interfering. She thought she had a right to know all the ins and outs of things, and I refused to tell her so we would end up in a raging row.

However, only you will know whether putting some distance between you two will make things easier or harder, because it may well make her lash out at you more

I'm glad you stood up for yourself. No point getting away from being bullied by a man only to be bullied by your mother. Don't feel guilty therefore.... keep standing up for yourself and don't feel obliged to spend time with anyone you don't like.

Why is your mum calling you on your way to work, especially if you drive? Surely she knows it's not a good time?

She sounds like a piece of work, and is spectacularly failing to support you. I think you need to let her go to voicemail for a while, and just send her a follow-up text saying - sorry, was in a meeting/having a bath/dealing with DS, talk to you at the weekend. You need some time to collect yourself, and some distance from this very unhelpful woman.

R would be so ashamed of myself if I'd I made my (grown up) children cry, especially I'd they were going through a hard time.

She should be ashamed of herself. She doesn't have your best interests at heart.

I think you should just cut contact for the time being

Thank you all for your thoughtful posts. I got to work eventually, muddled through, and made it home in one piece.

I cannot understand how she could be so unkind.

Thank goodness I have some lovely supportive friends and MN to help me through this breakup, because it looks as though I can't lean on my mum.

I will reply to the kind responses that I've had properly tomorrow (on phone ATM so can't scroll properly). But a big thank you for backing up my thoughts that mum isn't being at all kind.