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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's changed towards me since moving in together. Am I expecting too much?

10 replies

TBax · 24/06/2013 09:41

Only been living together a few weeks but he's changed and it's worrying me so much because I can't help thinking he's gone off me or has realised he's made a mistake. Since moving in together we never spend any time together, he's always "busy" doing something and when he's not busy he's on his computer. For the first few weeks I spent every evening sat in front of the TV on my own and I started feeling down and lonely. I brought it up with him and he said "on Friday, we'll sit and watch a movie with a glass of wine" - I specifically cancelled a night out I had planned to do this as I thought we needed the quality time together. Friday night arrived and it was 9pm and he was still "Busy". I said "shall I pour the wine then?" and he said "yes, pour me a glass and I'll be with you in 5 minutes." I drank two glasses by myself before he turned up, sat with me for 10 minutes and then buggered off taking his wine with him to the computer room! I went to bed at 10.30 - he came to bed at 1am. The next morning I told him I was upset that we were not spending any quality time together in an evening, I understand he's busy doing house improvements but does he really need to be doing them until midnight every night? He agreed and said he'd make more of an effort to spend time with me in an evening. I said it wasn't just that - it was also the fact that he's constantly tired (well, too tired for me) yet he chooses to work 7 days a week (he only has to work 5) plus he doesn't come to bed until silly hours of the morning - we've not had sex in weeks. Again he agreed and said he'd make more effort.

So last night, it's getting on for 10pm and he comes into the living room, sits on the sofa opposite me (he never used to do this, he would always sit with me and we'd snuggle in front of the tv) and switches on a shit film without even asking me what I'd like to watch. He sits there for 20 minutes and then buggers off into the computer room again. I give him an hour or so, realise he's not coming back so go and tell him I'm going to bed. He looks at me, says nothing but holds his arms out for a hug. Guilty conscience? I get into bed then I hear the doors being locked downstairs and think "great, he's taken the hint and is coming to bed". He did come to bed - armed with the ipad which he then switches on in bed and tells me "I'm going to play candy crush for a bit, do you mind?" In other words he'll play candy crush until he's tired enough to sleep. Then he wondered why I got upset.

Candy Crush vs having sex with your girlfriend .... hmm tough decision. Nice to know where I stand. Am I being unreasonable? clingy? high maintenance? Does he just need to develop the balls to tell me he's made a mistake?

OP posts:
HoneyandRum · 24/06/2013 09:43

You need to move out. This is what he is really like - boring

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 24/06/2013 09:44

Does he just need to develop the balls to tell me he's made a mistake?

Or perhaps you need to develop them in order to accept that your needs are not being met, are unlikely to be met by this man, and write him off?

Bonsoir · 24/06/2013 09:44

This is useless. You need to chuck him out presto!

Lweji · 24/06/2013 09:44

Who's doing housework?

CocktailQueen · 24/06/2013 09:49

What HotDAMn said: Does he just need to develop the balls to tell me he's made a mistake?

Or perhaps you need to develop them in order to accept that your needs are not being met, are unlikely to be met by this man, and write him off?

I agree 100%. You've only just moved in with him? This is meant to be the honeymoon period where everything is wonderful and neither of you can do anything wrong and you're all loved up! This is totally wrong. he sounds dull, dull, dull and thoughtless, childish and a pain in the arse. Frankly. Cut your losses and leave him to his stupid computer games.

grumpyinthemorning · 24/06/2013 10:11

Never, ever, EVER cancel your plans to fit in with what he wants to do!

Ahem.

Tell him, in no uncertain terms, that your needs are not being met. And if he still refuses to meet them (and he IS refusing) then he'll have to go. Make sure you follow through with it, too. Life is too short to spend it being miserable.

As for the sex, invest in a good vibrator. It'll never choose candy crush over you Wink

TBax · 24/06/2013 11:50

The things is, if I spell it out to him I'll know full well that if he does start spending time with me/wanting intimacy he's simply doing it because I asked him to. It's not the same.
When we get in bed he'll put his arm around me but that's it. He never touches me, never strokes me or does anything other than lay there with his arm under my head. It's like sharing a bed with a mate.
He gets in bed last night and after finishing on candy crush [hmm for fucks sake] he lays down. He can tell I'm pissed off/upset and asks what's wrong. I do the usual female thing of saying "nothing" and he says - "you're pissed off with me, look I came to bed early and everything and you don't want to know ... " makes me feel like I should be grateful that he even came to bed. I think he was implying that he wanted to have sex but it was clearly an afterthought to get back in the 'good books'. He didn't want to really and because of that, neither did I. If I wanted casual sex with someone who wasn't all that bothered, I could get that from elsewhere. I want proper intimacy with HIM. not just a quickie to say it's been less than a month since we last did it.

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 24/06/2013 11:57

How long were you dating before moving in? Did you both have your own places, or live with parents , or... Are you the first live-in GF he's had? Was it a mutual decision to live together? Etc etc - there's clearly been a major breakdown in communication/expectation, which will need to be understood if there's to be any chance of resolving it.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 24/06/2013 12:23

I want proper intimacy with HIM

Yes, but that's not on offer. Because he doesn't want to. And you can't make him.

Time to accept that and move on.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 24/06/2013 12:51

Please do not do the typical female thing of saying nothing is wrong when asked if something is wrong.

It is not female, it is passive a aggressive. You are unhappy. You told him. He did not manage to sit through a movie with his beloved GF.

Look, you tried, you two are not compatible. We all make mistakes. It is fine. Cut your losses and find a nicer man.

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