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Original poster

Keep going back

26 replies

mummytasha11 · 24/06/2013 09:08

Me and my ex have been split up for about 4 months now and have slept together since 3 times including this Saturday night..
I don't know why I keep going back I say to myself that it won't ever happen again but I still end up going back to his )uninvited) but he doesn't exactly push me off...

Maybe some harsh words are needed..part of me just wants him back but I know that can't happen anymore

Sad
OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 24/06/2013 09:15

What you need is no contact

Original poster
mummytasha11 · 24/06/2013 09:28

Virtually impossible for no contact as we have a small ds and he has him most weekends pick up and drop off. It is much easier when we did do no contact in the initial few weeks

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 24/06/2013 10:09

There are contact centres, 3d parties for pick-up and drop-off...

You can say "yes, but...", or you can find ways to make it happen.

melbie · 24/06/2013 10:23

Download/buy the No Contact book by Natalie Lue who is the Baggage Reclaim woman. She talks about how to go NC if you can't go completely NC because of kids etc. It is a challenging read in that it really makes you think and address issues but it makes so much sense. It is also really nice to know it is not just you! I keep going back to it (and her Mr Unavailable book) because it is a fantastic support

AnyFucker · 24/06/2013 10:25

Have you no free will ? He holds a gun to your head ?

Give over.

Original poster
mummytasha11 · 24/06/2013 15:43

It's hard because I still have strong feelings for him and I don't know where I stand or what I mean to him

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 24/06/2013 15:46

It's because you still have strong feelings that you need to impose NC in some fashion.

It doesn't matter what you mean to him. Not one jot. The two of you are over, and all that matters is what he is to YOU: an assclown that you have split up with.

Keep it that way.

Lweji · 24/06/2013 15:46

So, you have to chose the best for you, and that's ending it for good with him.
At the moment you are his cake and he's having it and eating it.

Walkacrossthesand · 24/06/2013 15:55

I take it he 'drove' the split (primarily, by leaving, or secondarily, by you catching him cheating?) in which case 'what you mean to him' is utterly immaterial. Where you stand is on your own two feet, that relationship ended, maybe someone else will come along, maybe they won't. Falling into bed with him, hoping for a 'lightbulb moment' , will get you nowhere.

Lweji · 24/06/2013 15:57

You can do door handovers, surely, even with babies and toddlers.
Just don't allow him in, nor linger chatting by the door.

Leavenheath · 24/06/2013 16:19

I take it he left you? That usually means he was messing around.

Has he been unfaithful before then?

Why are you risking your sexual health, not to mention your emotional health, by having sex with him?

Original poster
mummytasha11 · 24/06/2013 16:43

I miss him, what we had and I cant get him out my head so when I have had a drink I lose my judgement and end up giving him what he wants.
I have spoke to him today and he says he still doesn't know what he wants and his head is all over the place...

I know I'm flogging a dead horse but part of me wants him to say one way or another so I can deal with it. I feel in limbo all the time.

OP posts:
Lweji · 24/06/2013 16:48

Why put yourself at his mercy?
You are in charge of your life.
You decide what's best for you.

If you know in your heart that you can't live with his indecision, then decide for him and cut him off.

NoRainNoRainbow · 24/06/2013 16:53

No one ever died of a broken heart. Stop making excuses and stop drinking and stop letting him in your pants. You will not die.

Be strong, get on with your life. I won't be easy but it will be worth it. If he wanted you he would be with you, he's having his cake and eating it.

There is someone out there who will love you more and treat you better. You deserve that. Now start making changes to let that happen.

NoRainNoRainbow · 24/06/2013 16:55

And stop letting him decide that he's still confused and can't decide!

You decide for him, it's over. Bye bye.

Original poster
mummytasha11 · 24/06/2013 17:49

He has text me this afternoon saying he loves me he always has and always will but he doesn't want to be in a relationship at the minute or keep me hanging on.

Not sure what to reply or where to go from here.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/06/2013 18:23

What you do is cut off all contact and stop being a convenient shag for this bloke

Where is your self respect ?

Walkacrossthesand · 24/06/2013 18:31

Reply 'ok. Let's call it a day. Have a nice life'. Then block/delete his number, go and howl your eyes out somewhere quiet, and start to find your self-respect again. You won't find it with him.

ImperialBlether · 24/06/2013 18:32

Just reply, "You beat me to it! I think we'll be much better apart. Let's stay civil for the sake of our son but not see each other unless we're dropping off or picking up. Mummytasha" NO KISS.

You have no choice now. You can either plead and beg (and get nowhere) and lose your self respect or you can act as though you're not bothered.

Fake it until you make it, is my advice.

Can you tell us why you split up?

Original poster
mummytasha11 · 24/06/2013 18:50

There wasn't really a specific reason we had a good relationship we were due to get married in aug this year and I thought everything was good he had been acting strange so I confronted him about it and he said he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore, etc.

Since we have split he has told me had signed up to pof at Christmas and he hasn't been feeling right since then but still let me plan a wedding, choose my dress,etc.

I have sent him the text and I'm going to try my utmost hardest to not be texting him....

It's hard though because he asks about our sons day,etc so it prompts other conversations

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 24/06/2013 21:35

So he signed up to a cheapskate's dating site in December and left you 2 months later? There was a specific reason for you breaking up then wasn't there?

Him not being able to keep it in his pants.

What he's telling you is that he's willing to shag you every now and then, but doesn't want a relationship with you.

Doorstep handovers, don't let him into your home and stop the chats in between. He isn't after stories about your son's day at all and besides, he wouldn't need to be told about any of it if he'd stayed around to experience his son's life.

And get yourself down to the GUM clinic.

Original poster
mummytasha11 · 26/06/2013 08:34

Ended up texting till the early hours on tues night. Trying no contact now but I can't get him out of my head!

Tell me it gets better please Hmm

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/06/2013 08:41

It does get better. :)

You can write a short daily report about your son's day and e-mail it so that it doesn't elicit further conversations.
Tell him that's what you are doing.

He has your DS most weekends, so he can easily pick up on any new developments anyway.

And don't reply to texts, unless it's specifically about contact times or arrangements. Even so, keep it short and to the matter.

oracleselfservice · 26/06/2013 09:38

My ex did this. Right down to the wedding planning. He kept me hanging on with "I will always love you" "we can't be together now but maybe later" and coming round, calls, messages etc for 18 MONTHS - because I let him. The only way I regained my life and sanity was no contact. That's 18 months was the hardest and most painful of my life. Don't let him keep you on a string like I did. Really.

Leavenheath · 26/06/2013 09:49

It will only get better when you stop engaging and playing this game with him. You're debasing yourself and doing shocking things to your self esteem.

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