Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

EXH has just realised I still have keys to his house

51 replies

postmanpatscat · 23/06/2013 18:57

I moved out over three years ago. He was out when I left (he knew I was going), I locked the door behind me and he would have had to unlock it when he returned.

The DDs sometimes arrive at his house before he gets back, so they let themselves in. DD2 goes there more often and uses the keys that DD1 used to have, so DD1 (who has just explained to dad that she has already collected her things while he was out this afternoon 'using the spare key that mum has') has asked him can she keep these keys to use on future visits. ExH says no, they must be returned and he will be discussing it with me. He won't, since he will email me and I will neither read it nor respond to it.

I guess he is terrified I will go over there, let myself in and rifle through his underwear drawer or sew prawns into the hems of his curtains. Since I have had ample opportunity to do that in the last three years and haven't done so, you'd think he know better. I will give these keys back, but then DD1 won't have a set and I could still use DD2's set if I was desperate to gain access, which I'm not.

I hope he is fuming and spends ages composing me one of his usual hatred-masked-as-politeness emails so I can delete it without reading it

OP posts:

minouminou · 24/06/2013 07:31

End of.....

I wonder if he's got a new bird.

whitesugar · 25/06/2013 20:43

You wouldn't hv needed keys if knobhead got organised and kids had stuff. My kids used to have to climb in window. Hope you deleted email. Reminds me of one of my favourite threads when OP called them Kofi Annan emails. Sound very diplomatic like KA who is a total gent but were actually the ravings of a complete narc tool. It was a really welcome revelation that I wasn't the only person subjected to that shit. For 14 years I thought it was just me, it actually changed my outlook. I laugh my head off now when I get them.

whitesugar · 25/06/2013 20:48

Solid, Shitting on his pillow, thanks for the handy household hint.

Tenacity · 26/06/2013 05:53

OP there is obviously some history but I do think you need to move on.

There is really no pleasure in receiving a 'shitty' email.

The people who will get hurt by all this are your DDs. They are bound to pick up on the hostility between their parents. it's not a nice position for children to be in.

needaholidaynow · 26/06/2013 06:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allnewtaketwo · 26/06/2013 06:36

I think that keeping the keys to his house is very controlling of you. Move on. The whereabouts of the childrens belongings, or timing of access visits is a completely different issue which you need to work together to resolve. If a man was doing what you're doing then he would be slated on here as controlling and abusive, whatever the cause and whatever the history. I would agreed with that.

If you insist in keeping the keys to his house then margins he will just change the locks. What fun.

DontmindifIdo · 26/06/2013 07:28

Can you not see there's a difference between the dds having keys and you having keys?? Your dds are old enough to have keys and not need to give them to you for safe keeping. If your dds had keys and kept them with them, then he can assume you can't get access to his house when he's not there unless the dds let you in, that's very different to you being able to let yourself in without them.

DontmindifIdo · 26/06/2013 07:29

Oh and while your dds are at his house, I assume they take the keys too your house with them, how would you feel I they got a set cut and left them at his house?

SoupDragon · 26/06/2013 08:02

XH behaved like a wanker and refused to return his key when the house became mine.

I simply changed the locks and never mentioned it. That is all your ex needs to do.

Casmama · 26/06/2013 09:31

He's giving your daughter a hard time over it and your response is to enjoy ignoring any emails so that your daughter has to continue to get a hard time from her father? Lovely!
Whatever has happened in the past you do not need to have keys to your ExH house. Make sure each DD puts a set on their own key ring so they have them and you don't and email him to let him know this is the case.

Causing difficulty between your ExH and your daughter because you get some pleasure out of it is not a good way to behave IMO.

Original poster

postmanpatscat · 26/06/2013 12:34

casmama you have no idea what is going on, really (and I know your comment is based upon other's opinions as well as the little info I have posted on here and don't mean to offend). DD1 told him she had used the keys I had, he had a strop, he text her about it and told her I had to return them and he'd be discussing it with me and he was sorry to involve her in it, then he text her twice more about it and then he phoned her. He has not made any contact with me but seemed determined to discuss it at length with her.

He has a history of emotional abuse of DD1 which is why she only sees him one night out of 14, and in her words 'she would like more but is too anxious about what she would be letting herself in for'.

I wouldn't mind if they had keys to mine in their possession at his house, because I trust him not to abuse it and he should trust me to do the same. We have always had keys to his house in our home, this is not a new situation.

dontmind, I don't have my own keys any longer, they are just there for whichever DD needs them. If he wants them back, fine, then the DDs have one set between them (which will still be in my house at times so the argument is a bit meaningless tbh).

and tenacity, I am well aware there is no pleasure in receiving a shitty email, I've had plenty from him and so has DD1. I now use a separate email account for him only and I get someone else to read them and tell me only the parts I need to know, leaving out the abuse.

OP posts:

elastamum · 26/06/2013 14:44

Cant see why it has suddenly become such a big deal really.

Why not make a symbolic act and return your keys, but make sure DD keeps herself a set for her only.

I have keys to my exes house and he has keys to mine. It makes our childrens lives so much easier when it comes to retrieving stuff. Also, it makes the point that going between mum and dads is not a big deal. Its a shame your ex has decided that this is an issue all of a sudden as it makes him look like a knob

DonutForMyself · 26/06/2013 14:55

My ex has keys to my house (FMH). Initially I asked for them back and he refused, saying that his name was still on the mortgage and he was still paying half of it, so he had the right to keep a set of keys the petty fucker

Its actually quite handy as he can let himself in to collect/drop off the DCs stuff without me needing to see him. It means when I am out on my kid-free nights if one of the DCs has left something behind they can come back and collect it without having to drag me home.

If XH wants to root through my drawers to check how many pairs of my DPs pants he keeps here or entertain himself by seeing how messy my kitchen is since he left (I don't care anymore - I can tidy when I bloody well like!) he is more than welcome.

I don't have a key to his rented house because I don't need one, but once the DCs are old enough, any spares should really be for them to use rather than the other parent.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/06/2013 00:12

The OP has had the keys for years and never misused them. This is just another example of an abusive man deciding to make everyone else's lives more difficult, just because he can, just because he wants to make sure they all Respect His Mighty Penis.

SoupDragon · 27/06/2013 07:11

Or maybe he just wants his keys back. Like I did.

allnewtaketwo · 27/06/2013 07:58

Oh yes of course, a woman is refusing to give her ex husband the keys back to his house and yet it's him being abusive. Only on mumsnet

DioneTheDiabolist · 27/06/2013 09:45

I agree Allnew. There is no way a man posting that he had keys to his ExP's house, without her knowledge, would be be told that she was being abusive in asking for them back.

Xales · 27/06/2013 14:07

He hasn't asked OP for them back though. He has dragged OP's DD1 into it who it sounds like he is abusive to.

What is the point of taking the keys off OP who had never used them and handing them to DD1 for her to keep at OP's house on the 13 out of 14 nights her DD is there exactly as they are now?

The only point is because he is having a strop about it.

If DD1 doesn't have a set then it is her who suffers if she needs stuff from his house not OP. Who does that make feel better? Or she uses the set her sister has which stays at OP's house how any nights a week?

ZolaBuddleia · 27/06/2013 14:22

Isn't this something about nothing? There are two sets of keys, you have two DDs, they have one set each.

allnewtaketwo · 27/06/2013 15:29

"He hasn't asked OP for them back though. He has dragged OP's DD1 into it"

So why doesn't the OP just give him back the keys to his house then? Intead of sniggering about and "hoping he is fuming".

EagleRiderDirk · 27/06/2013 15:36

at brag

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 27/06/2013 15:37

His teenage children have keys to his home. Which is also their home, at least for part of the week.

Fair enough. Teenagers often have keys to their parents' homes.

Is he suggesting that his daughter who currently has a set of keys and he knows she does, should not have a set any more? Because he's suddenly realised that means you have a set? Because even if you give this set back to him, there's still one set in your household in the possession of your daughter [boggle]

Your daughter has a set of keys to your home, right? So that means he also does. Sort of. Cos when she's there, he could use the keys. You're ok with that?

I'd just forget about deleting emails without reading and get in there first.

Officially GIVE the other keys to your younger daughter and then email him and say there is clearly some confusion as you do not have a set of keys, your eldest has her set and you have handed over the other set to your youngest as her set. If he doesn't want his kids to have keys to his home, that's fine, you don't actually care either way, he should just take them off them next time he sees them and they will have to sort out with him access to his home when they need it.

Original poster

postmanpatscat · 27/06/2013 16:18

hecsy you've summed up the situation perfectly.

allnew So why doesn't the OP just give him back the keys to his house then? Reread the first post, especially the line I will give these keys back OK?

I have emailed him about the orthodontist appt DD2 had, to which he has responded, no mention of keys so maybe he has seen sense. Life is much easier if the DDs have a set each, which is exactly what DD1 said to him on Sunday, but he said no, they have to be returned to him!

OP posts:

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 27/06/2013 17:18

Get another one cut for DD and put his keys in an envelope and send them to him?

allnewtaketwo · 27/06/2013 18:11

Scarlett she can't just get a house key cut for his house FFS. If he wants his daughters to have a key for his house that is his choice. If he doesn't, that is his choice. Jeez.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread