Is it enough...

[firsttimemum1404]

I have just had my second child, he is 8 weeks old, my first son is 2 years old. DS1 was sort of planned, DS2 wasn't. Me and my DP have split up a few times but have always got back together. Without going into too much details, I think he loves me, he is a good hands on father, is supportive of my elderly mother who I live with. For more than one reason I am no longer in love with him, but is it enough to stay with him because of our children? My friend says it is. I don't want to hurt him. But I feel like we are strangers. I wish I did not feel like this!

your children will be children for another 18 years.

18 years.

And you've split up several times already.

And you no longer love him.

A split at 2 years and 8 weeks is probably going to be a lot easier on the kids than at any time ever again.

how long have you been together and how long have you felt you don't love him? could it be a temporary thing because of the strain of 2 young DCs or other pressures? could you have PND?

No it isn't enough IMHO. I also agree with Waffly that if you're going to split, now is probably the best time, it's only going to get harder as the babies grow up.

It's not enough.
Not with your abridged history certainly.
And the worst thing you can do is grimly hang on until you break when the dc are old enough to be aware enough to know what's going on but not old enough to have grown out of believing that it is their fault because the world revolves around them. Living between guilt and resentment is soul destroying.

If you can see no way for your feelings change and situation to improve then end it for good. Splitting and getting back together is very damaging and unsettling for children.

If he's a good dad, he'll still be a good dad - but he'll have the opportunity to find someone that loves him and makes him happy - and so will you.

If you want to spend the next X years with no love or passion then it's fine.

If not, then no.

At some point you will realise you are getting a raw deal.

Your children are still young and the older they are the harder it will become to leave and you may end up having more by accident.

Why do you say there are reasons not to love him?
Those reasons may be good enough to make you go.

First of all thanks for your replies and apologies for not replying sooner. Both DC are chilling/napping so will try and explain my situation. We broke up before DS2 was born/conceived because of the same reason that I now want to end the relationship. When we broke up last year it was because he had no get up and go. He's always complaining that he has no money for himself let alone any to try and improve our situation. I lost repect for him especially when I had to be asking for help because he couldn't step up. We decided to give the relationship one more shot - or I did, especially since I had his child.

He promised to try harder and to step up. However, when I suggest things to him to perhaps improve situation there's always a reason not to do it - there's always a brick wall. I am equally to blame, because rather than improving our financial and housing situation I fell pregnant with DS2. I convinced myself that we can still work for the sake of the DC. I decided to accept that he is not a go getter and that once I am able to I will have to be the go getter.

The last straw came when we decided that he should move in with me and mum. It would be stressful but and we could save a deposit together to get our own place and a future together. This has fallen through because he will need storage for his furniture and the monthly cost of storage is the same as the monthly cost of his rented room. When I sit down with him and try and brainstorm a way out, the discussion always ends up with him saying the same thing: there's nothing we/he can do.

He has been separated from his wife for 8 years and still cannot arrange a divorce not even for me. I've given up looking for marriage, because if he wanted that that would have happened, rather then me nagging him to change and to sort things out.

It could be the stress of having 2 young ones and it could be PND waffly... but I don't want to carry him anymore. I only have the energy to look after my DC.

I know, because my lovely friend has highlighted this, that I have been trying to change him into the man I want, and now after 2 children I realise that he can only change if he wants to.

I don't see a future for us especially as I don't want to remain in the situation I am in. I do need to sit and talk to DP however I am worried about how I will cope on my own with 2 children, and am worried that he will not want to see the children, especially DS1.

That's my story!

.

I feel very guilty for having 2 children in a relationship that may not last. It's a guilt that has paralysed me and made it very difficult for me to make a decision. I don't want to ruin their lives. I wish I had done things a little differently but I do not regret having my two lovely boys.

I am having CBT now and have had counselling in the past to help me deal with things that have happened in my past. CBT is helping me be more positive and more proactive and this is the reason I am posting this, because I need to make a decision and stick to it, and seeing it in writing and reading ur responses will help.

Thanks for reading this long post - off to do dinner now.

End the relationship. This man is a failure and always will be. He's the baby-bird type, sitting around with his mouth open expecting to be fed - he sees himself as something precious and important to be looked after, not a person who has to work and contribute. Make the break now while the DC are small, be aware that you are not likely to get much maintenance and that he will fade out of their lives because seeing them is going to be too much effort, but if this happens when they are small it won't affect them too badly.

He is a very kind man and helps a lot around the house and with the children. He is not an abuser and his heart is in the right place. I wonder if I am expecting too much of him? However, at the same time I know that nothing will change because of DP. Perhaps the only thing that will change is me falling pregnant with DC3 - which I don't want to happen, as I will then feel more trapped.

Is there anyone else who has been in a similar situation, and you left your partner/husband? How has things developed? Are you happy that you made the decision to go?