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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hes just collected his clothes.

42 replies

ineedtobreath · 22/06/2013 23:55

So i found out ex had been cheating on me for the past ten months living two seperate lives one with me and dcs and with the ow who had no idea he was with me (although we split up 3 months ago we were still trying to works things out) when i found out i went round to ow and we both confronted him together he lied through his teeth telling her how much he loves her and that i was a twisted bitch who he split up with two years ago if feel so sick.

In a crazy way i feel so much better as i felt as though i was going mad and was getting very depressed as i knew something was going on lots of red flags but no hard evidence but at least its over now he just came and collected his stuff and couldnt even look mecin the face.

Sorry for the rambelling spelling and grammer im tired and am writing with tears streaming dwon my face.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/01/2014 21:02

Being rational, let them have the dc for overnights etc it will give you the space and opportunity to start living your life as well.

Have you had any counselling to come terms with the bereavement of losing your partner and the family life you thought you had?

daiseehope · 12/01/2014 21:05

Big Hug. Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks Thanks

Original poster
ineedtobreath · 12/01/2014 21:08

chipping yes i trust him to feed and bathe them but i know he likes to go out so may well leave them with her.

I didn't like her at all and thought she was very sly and this is what most of his family think of her aswell.

random no i haven't had counselling maybe i do it wasn't a great life and of course we were happy once.

OP posts:
ChippingInWadesIn · 12/01/2014 21:11

The thought of that must really hurt :( However, please try to focus on the fact that it's good she likes them and if they are getting into bed with them etc they aren't scared of her or hate her - really that's better - even though it hurts you.

I don't think it will ever be 'time' for you - if you think the kids will be ok, you just have to go with it. It will hurt and be hard whenever you do it.

It's early days yet for dating - just spend time enjoying the children, friends, your own company etc.

RandomMess · 12/01/2014 21:11

Have some counselling it can only help, you need to move on into a life you deserve x

FolkGirl · 12/01/2014 21:13

No, it's not selfish. It's completely understandable.

If it helps at all, when my children first met the OW, she made cakes with my daughter and sent them home. It felt like a real kick in the stomach. Like she was rubbing my nose in it and showing me what a wonderful time they'd had together and how I didn't really count...

When in reality, and with a few weeks distance between then and now, I imagine it was more a case of showing me that she'd treat my children well and do things with them and she was acknowledging me in it by sending cakes my daughter had made home for me to eat. (I didn't eat them, they'd have stuck in my throat in reality). It felt as though she wanted my children too, but really, she doesn't. And besides, my ex said all my dd talked about was me, and how she and I bake cakes and all the things she likes to do with me. And I've no reason to disbelieve him.

it is horrible. So, so, horrible. But if I ever found myself as a step mother, I would never ever want their mum to feel threatened by me. I would care for the child/ren, I would love the child/ren, but I would never come close in my head or reality to her.

Chipping is right. Use the time to do something to treat yourself. It's so important and it really helps. xxx

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 12/01/2014 22:13

It's early days Ineed, give yourself a chance to let it all sink in Love.

Original poster
ineedtobreath · 12/01/2014 22:45

I need to get over the first hurdle but that one is the hardest.

OP posts:
anxiousnow · 13/01/2014 12:07

It always amazes me how the hurt party is the one that has to be so reasonable. Allowing the DCs to meet the OW/OM. The OW/OM along with the W/H is the reason the DCs were hurt in the first place. (I know in this case she didn't know you were still together but obviously H did) The person who has the affair gets carried away with the affair and forgets the impact it has on the W/H and DCs left behind. They weren't thinking of the children, yet the hurt left behind W/H is expected to put their hurt to the bottom of the pile and let the cheat have it all. Drives me insane tbh. I am not saying to use the DCs btw, just saying it is amazing how often the left behind party, understandably doesn't want the DCs to meet OW/OM but has no choice. A stranger being so close to your own DCs through no fault of your own. Having to act responsibly when the cheating party didn't. I feel for you OP I really do. I think your ex should respect that you are not ready yet. As you say, you are not with holding contact but just not ready for overnights with OW. Good luck and big hugs.

Saying that she has got herself a twat doesn't help either, as if and probably when he does the same to her that is another person out of your DCs life. Sorry not a very helpful post but saying I sympathise with you deeply.

Original poster
ineedtobreath · 14/01/2014 20:22

anxious that is excatly how i feel why should i be nice why should i let him get away with it and for me to just be ok with everything he has to throw at me my whole world fell apart my family was and still is broken everything i thought about myself changed and that is all because he wanted sex with someone else.

I have to sit on the outside looking in while i drown in sadness and hurt while they play with my dcs enjoying them in a way that i cannot do as i have to do everything else. why does he get to be happy? i have tried my damned hardest to move on with my life and to forget but its there everyday.

OP posts:
FluffyJumper · 14/01/2014 20:34

Because it's the best thing for your kids.

Your feelings are understandable, but acting on them is selfish, yes.

Original poster
ineedtobreath · 14/01/2014 20:41

Is it though? as i said i will never stop him seeing them but sometimes i think its all to easy for the cheater they made a choice to leave their dh/dw and dcs without thinking twice or about the impact it has on them for the rest of their lives.

OP posts:
FluffyJumper · 14/01/2014 23:03

Yes. But it sounds like you're saying 'well he won't put the kids first, so neither will I.'

You have said you don't want them to stay with their father because you're not ready, not because the kids aren't.

Original poster
ineedtobreath · 15/01/2014 20:52

That's not what i meant at all,i am clearly not ready and i don't think they are although they are still young so it will probably be easier for them now than when they are older
they have seen alot in the last year and still thinks that he lives with his mum as that is what he has told them i mean how do you explain to a 3 year old who constantly asks if his daddy is coming home that no he isn't because he lives with someone else its very confusing and i do not want them hurt incase it all goes tits up.

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedtobreath · 15/01/2014 20:52

That's not what i meant at all,i am clearly not ready and i don't think they are although they are still young so it will probably be easier for them now than when they are older
they have seen alot in the last year and still thinks that he lives with his mum as that is what he has told them i mean how do you explain to a 3 year old who constantly asks if his daddy is coming home that no he isn't because he lives with someone else its very confusing and i do not want them hurt incase it all goes tits up.

OP posts:
anxiousnow · 16/01/2014 11:09

OP, you're not being selfish. You are letting your H have a relationship with his DCs. He's the one being selfish trying to push too soon. It is best for the DCs to take it slow too, not just for you. SO in this case, what is right for you is also right for them, how can that be selfish?

Why put you all through it when it is too early to tell if their relationship has a chance?

I really understand what you're saying about having to do all the work, and so feeling like he has more opportunity to have fun. The thing is, it is good for them to have fun with him. They will still grow up knowing Mummy nurtured and cared for them.

There will become a time, if he does remain with OW, that they will have to stay over. However hard it is for you sadly. But for now, too soon.

FluffyJumper · 16/01/2014 14:24

But this isn't about you, it's about your kids!

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