How to stop feeling responsible?

[RedBushedT]

I ended my EA marriage almost 2 years ago and am much happier. Feel like I've made huge progress in moving on and getting my old self back. But I hate that when my new partner (or close friends even) are having a bad day and go quiet, I go into the old panic mode and worry that I've done something to cause it.

With my ex, he would often go quiet and be clearly upset /annoyed by something shortly before starting a drinking session and then launching into a verbal attack on me.

I can't seem to stop myself reacting to other people's moods in the way I had to with him. I desperately try to think of ways to fix the problem. And to be honest, I feel distraught and queasy if I can't.
I've managed to reduce the amount that I vocalise the concern, but internally I'm a mess.
Help me rationalise this please? I feel like I'm going crazy...

Maybe you could get some CBT counselling? Ask your GP

I had CBT during the breakdown of my marriage. It was extremely helpful but obviously couldn't tackle everything. I'd prefer to try dealing with this on my own first though. Any strategies anyone ?

I don't think reducing the amount you vocalise the concern is particularly helpful if all you're doing is internalising your anxiety. It's then also relevant, I think, that you want to try and deal with this on your own and not with outside help. Why do you think this is? Do you feel it's some kind of over-reaction when the EA relationship is now 2 years in the past? Because it isn't at all - your reactions now are as of the result of years of conditioning that you were to blame.

You shouldn't need to feel like your reactions should be 'normal' by now, or that the people closest to you won't make allowances for what happened. Are they aware of the extent of the previous problem?

I think, rather than thinking you have some terrible personality defect, one approach would be to explain this to your partner. Be assertive. Tell them that, if they're having a bad day, they are not to 'go quiet' but to articulate what's wrong and take responsibility for fixing it. Do they know about the abuse you suffered in the past?

Thanks Tribpot, I have an absolute hatred of being "Needy" so my internalising it is a way for me to feel to feel that I'm not asking too much. I dislike asking for help as I know that other people have had it far worse than me.
I am aware that quite a few of my reactions are based on my having been conditioned. It had been escalating for at least 8 years so I guess that's a lot to undo..
As for the others realising the extent of the problem, that's a tough one. I do talk about it occasionally. But not much as I find it distressing and it makes me angry.
Also, I think that I've tried to shove it all into a corner and move on. I'm not sure I'm even totally aware of the extent of it, if that makes sense. There were so many little things, I remember random things with the realisation that the event was totally abnormal, but at the time, I just accepted.
Being woken up to be told off for having turned over in bed so my back was to him is one thing that came to mind only recently.
Cogito, me being assertive is just so hard. I approach panic attack level fear at the prospect of any confrontation.
It's crazy as my new man is nothing like my ex, and is totally supportive of me expressing myself. I just hate having to say anything that could possibly be construed as in any way negative.

"I approach panic attack level fear at the prospect of any confrontation. "

It is not confrontational or negative to sit your new boyfriend down and ask them not to go quiet or sulk if they are having a bad day because it makes you feel unhappy. It's called communication. Say it on a good day when everyone's calm and happy... pick your moment. You say he lets you express yourself so this is a good way to practise that in a safe environment. If he doesn't respond well to this request, he is not as supportive as you think. i.e. it wouldn't be your fault.

You can't help the way you feel in a situation. But you can make other people aware of their behaviour and make them more conscious of the effect it has.

You're right. And I know he will understand.
I think the thing that really annoys me is I just want to be "fixed". I hate having these ridiculous reactions. Knowing that ex has altered the way I react to things makes me so upset and angry.

Maybe it would help if you think of your overreaction as a bad habit? Bad habits become entrenched through repetition until they are automatic, easy and unthinking. I don't know how long you were with your ex but we're probably talking years?

To replace any bad habit with a good habit takes a huge amount of effort and commitment. Especially in the early days when the good habit feels totally out of character, unnatural and very hard work. (Ask anyone who tries to give up a lifetime's love of chocolate for lent...) It then requires lots and lots of repetition until the good habit becomes the new habit.... accepting a few set-backs along the way

So 'fixed' will take time, application and repetition. There are no short-cuts so be realistic in your expectations. You'll make mistakes but keep your eye on the prize rather than beating yourself up. The first few times you assert yourself and articulate when something has made you unhappy you'll feel quite stressed and nervous. But the more you do it, the more confidence you'll gain and eventually it'll become second nature.

and are you able to talk about it lightly? i mean if you don't want to have the deep and meaningful and feel needy when it happens how about just lightly saying, 'argh - i'm going to leave you alone because i'm going into paranoid, what have i done, state like a numpty. let me know if you need anything'.

does that make sense? as in there are ways to do it more lightly and actually sometimes voicing it like that rather than intensely helps you to step back from it and not let it have so much power over you itms? i find it helpful to laugh at my quirks when i can - as in fear feeds the demons and laughing at them shrinks the bastards down to size.

I was with my ex for 14 years, although I think problems really kicked off during the last 8 (after I had children)
So yes, a lot of time to build up bad habits. I will work on it. I do manage to state my positive feelings a bit better now. That's taken a lot of work but I am making progress. Just need to start on the rest of the feelings now too I guess. Thanks Cogito.

Swallowedafly, that could work too. I'll try that later. :)

Quite a lot to feel justifiably proud of there... You state your positive feelings better, you're making progress, you're new boyfriend is someone you can talk to & you're self-aware enough to identify the next thing to tackle. 14 years of abuse (and it may have really kicked off in the last 8 but the conditioning started earlier) is not trivial. Good luck

life coaching totally changed my life around, its the best thing I have ever done for myself :)

Hi RedbushT

Am in a mad hurry but wanted to say...you sound like I did a few years ago during/after my marriage breakup. After a lot of searching and very tough times I stated reading about codependent behaviour and started going to CODA meetings.it was a revelation..life changing in fact and I no longer feel that way. Even if you don't end up going to a meeting I would perhaps consider reading 'codependent no more'. Good luck .

I'd love life coaching but I have no money at the moment.
I have that book Seth! I did find it invaluable when I was first trying to leave. I loaned it to a friend about 6 months back. possibly worthwhile me getting it back and re-reading it now I'm in a different position.