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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me understand

20 replies

CloudDad · 22/06/2013 22:34

Hi all. I would really appreciate some help getting some perspective on my relationship with DW, especially with how I feel her attitude to sex has changed since we had kids. I am open to the idea that the fault is on my side and that things are a natural consequence of having small kids.

Before the children (2 under the age of 4) she was a very loving and caring partner. It was probably an even split on who would initiate a romantic evening. Since having kids however I have found that she has basically lost interest in foreplay, and wants to get "straight to the action" (her words). She seems to have lost interest in kissing or touching except in fairly direct terms. I've asked her if we can spend time just getting into the mood but she says its a waste of time. I know when she's in the mood because she'll grab my behind and/or crotch during the day, even though I've told her I don't appreciate it. At bedtime she'll go straight to trying to start penetration. The problem is that without any warmup or a feeling of closeness I'm not really into it. If I tell her no, she gets upset, might say that I find her ugly and rolls over without letting me touch her. If I say yes I find it difficult. Another challenge is that she has become a lot more aggressive during sex, and has started biting sometimes while it happens. I've told her it hurts but she tells me I must be enjoying it.

We have such little free time and I understand things can't be the way they were. I feel incredibly lucky to be with her - outside of this issue she is the most amazing and wonderful person you can imagine. But this has really started to bother me because I feel like I'm losing my desire for her. I'm wondering if it's a phase that happens during early parenthood and we'll go back as the kids grow up?

Really sorry, but I won't be able to stay around to check immediate comments (sick kid who I can tell is about to wake up and need more attention), will be back probably in the morning. Thanks

OP posts:

McBalls · 22/06/2013 22:38

Urgh...sounds thoroughly grim.
Have you told her how off-putting you find this?

PasswordProtected · 22/06/2013 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

McBalls · 22/06/2013 22:55

Well...
Best just to confirm to op that that sort of behaviour is unacceptable, in case he's in any doubt.

McBalls · 22/06/2013 22:56

Being a selfish gropey bastard that is

Original poster

CloudDad · 22/06/2013 23:15

Hi again Kid fell asleep again, at least for the moment.

Hi McBalls: I feel I have tried talking to her but it hasn't really helped. She thinks that the cute lovey stuff is a waste of time now.

Hi Password: I'm sorry you think I'm trolling. I've been on the site a long time (Gregg's sausage rolls, anyone?). Everything I wrote is true but not sure how I could prove it to you. I'm hoping for ideas on how to feel better and more attracted to my partner, the way I used to be.

OP posts:

RiotsNotDiets · 23/06/2013 04:05

Why would you think he's a troll Password? do you think that it's only women who can be abused by their partners?

Cloud you don't need to prove anything, I believe you.
If a woman had posted this we'd all be telling her to LTB. You are being seriously mistreated and sexually assaulted.

Repeatedly groping you in a way you have made clear you do not like, biting you when you've stated that you do not enjoy it and insisting that you do enjoy it, sulking and emotionally manipulating you when you don't give in to her unreasonable demands? RED FLAGS.

You deserve better.

Leavenheath · 23/06/2013 04:38

I think your wife is a porn user, or has been reading some shite that tries to con women into thinking that nasty, abusive sex is de rigeur.

Explain to her that her behaviour is unacceptable and try to find out what's behind it. If it's porn either visual or written, you've got the right to ask her to stop using that trash because it's ruining your relationship and your sex life.

Too many idiots get brainwashed into thinking this is the sort of sex that men enjoy, but that's a myth.

BOF · 23/06/2013 04:58

I doubt that's the case. It's probably more that she is trying to get sex out of the way because she feels time pressured.

Talk to her, not us.

Mixxy · 23/06/2013 05:24

Sounds 50 Shades of Shite to be in your position. I think she's trying to keep up the sex life but feels exhausted. Tell her again, a final time, that the grabs are not enjoyable, but threatening when ciupled with thre biting.

If she doesn't get it; I suggest having an affair.

Fairylea · 23/06/2013 06:11

I agree with BOF.

MyPreciousRing · 23/06/2013 06:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgathaF · 23/06/2013 06:43

The OP has already said that he has talked to her but it hasn't helped.

I have no good ideas to offer. I wonder though if you get much child-free time together as a couple? Would it be possible to have a few days away together, not necessarily with the intention of spending it all in the sack, but just to reconnect as a couple, doing things you both enjoy.

Buzzardbird · 23/06/2013 06:53

You need to stand up for yourself Op. She is not treating you with any respect or love. Tell her its not on and things either change back to a loving mutually respectful relationship or counselling will be needed to save your marriage...perhaps it is time for that?

Pannacotta2013 · 23/06/2013 07:01

Hmm... She's ignoring your clear discussion about not liking her behavior and carrying on doing it. That's pretty aggressive. Also the biting and hurting you, but telling you you like it is clearly aggressive. There's no way that's acceptable behaviour, but I wonder if she's unhappy or angry with you or her life or something, and showing you via sex rather than being able to talk to you about it? Even if that is true, her behaviour is unacceptable, but if she is able to talk about it, that might be a fruitful line of discussion.

However, before that I'd go for a fairly direct 'this must stop', with sanctions. Don't have sex you don't want to have, and tell her why. If she continues manhandling you, tell her you will leave, and make sure you do stay away for a night or two. It sounds like she may have got used to your accommodating / adoring nature and is using you to act out her frustrations - that won't stop as long as you tolerate it I'm afraid. Good luck! X x

Lweji · 23/06/2013 07:53

LTB.
My first leave the bitch. :)

More seriously, my first thought was thar she was tired and how much did you do at home.
Even if you do your fair share, maybe she needs some relaxing time to really want foreplay.
She may masturbate a lot and go straight for her pleasure.
Indeed she seems to consider the groping foreplay. But you don't like it.
So, could you tell her to use other forms of fore-foreplay? Kissing and cuddling during the day? And see how she responds?

Unwanted groping and biting is totally unacceptable for any partner.

And you should tell her that the marriage is at risk if she insists on it. And split if she doesn't stop.

wintersdawn · 23/06/2013 08:13

as a mum of a 2yo dd and 9week ds the thought of finding the energy to stay awake in bed for a kiss and cuddle is exhausting yet alone sex. so she could simply be trying to get it over with so she can sleep but the fact that you've tried to talk about this and she's ignored you isn't good. Any chance you could get a night away in a kids free environment? it might help.

BooCanary · 23/06/2013 08:48

I agree with BOF. Tbh, these days DH and I often miss out foreplay, as we would likely fall asleep if we don't get straight to it!

However, the biting thing is odd.....

WafflyVersatile · 23/06/2013 16:03

the might find her ugly bit might be the key.

firstly, as said, you don't have to have sex if you don't want it.

have you set time aside to talk about this and stuff generally or do you just try to talk about it at the time?

bigstrongmama · 23/06/2013 18:39

Sounds like she has a massive problem with intimacy and rejection. You can only have sex if it is not loving. If you won't do it, then she feels rejected. It sounds to me like she is trying to force you to hurt her. Like she is angry with you? Or reliving her past?

You need to spell it out to her, that this has to stop. She is unlikely to want to hear it. I think couples counselling would be a good starting point.

scarletforya · 23/06/2013 20:49

It sounds to me that she may never have been into the lovey-dovey stuff at all and just faked it until she had you 'hooked'.

I think sex does become more perfunctory after children simply due to the pressure of time and energy, however manhandling you and biting you against your will are totally out of order. Also, she refuses to discuss this? That's abusive imho.

If you were a woman I'd be telling you to reconsider this relationship. It's no different OP, just because you are a man.

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