Long Distance Relationships

[Virginiaisforlovers]

I have been married in the past to someone who was emotionally abusive but I have a 4-year old daughter with him so unfortunately he's always going to be part of my life. However for the past 7months I've been in a LDR with a wonderful American man, we've met once and are going to spend the summer together. Just wondering if anyone has any experiences of LDRs and have managed to close the distance?

Long distance relationships can work. It did for me for over 3 years, but at some stage a bit decision has to happen to bring you together. I think they only really work if you both see the end of the LDR happening at some stage and progression to coming together.

For example if you are both students at different universities and you know that when you finish your studies you will move in together etc then it is ok. If you are in different countries ad neither of you has the intention or inclination or ability to move, then I don't think there is any point pursuing it.

I think it's one thing to be involved in real life with somebody, and then you are parted after you have fallen in love. It's quite another to conduct a largely fantasy relationship online.

I've been in your shoes (minus any young children who had to be considered). In my case it worked out very well - the LDR was over 4 years and now we live together (another 4 years).

I think there are two things - and it was true for us at least. First - how much will you be able to see each other, realistically? I coped with 6 "sightings" in our first year. That's not all that much even though two of the visits were over a week. Is there any chance of there being more contact over time or is this as good as it will get? If you want to see a bit more of each other over time will it be possible?

And the second point is the one Sleepyhoglet makes very well. At some stage you'll need to make a decision. A perpetual LDR is almost certain to fade - but an LDR can last happily quite a long time if you know there is some definite date when things can change if you want them to. EG he would be free to move to be with you if the relationship was successful.

But I think the second point is one you can probably worry about a bit further down the line. Being able to establish something in the first place is more of an immediate priority. Good luck

I think LDR stand just as good a chance as any relationship to work.

When I was 7 my mum met her husband while we were on holiday, they talked on the phone (possibly met up a couple of times I don't know I was young) anyway the next time we visited him he proposed right in the spot he'd first seen her...on stage in a family entertainment bar! We moved to be with him and now 14 years on they're still married.

My best friend in college was also in a LDR for a few years. She made it look soooo easy as well even though I know it wasn't with her partner and herself both having family/education commitments limiting visitations. The got married 2 years ago in August .

And finally my favourite...

(for good measure first I'll throw in that I was in a LDR with a military man and although I loved him it didn't work out. Not because of the distance but because of his inability to decide who/what he wanted)....

But anyway back to the good, I met my DH while dating said military man and we were friends for a while, he worked in a nightclub so basically we talked on Facebook and I saw him when visiting the area and basically a bit drunk! Eventually sometime later we began a LDR and it was crazy difficult, I never knew you could miss somebody that much! After we'd built quite a good foundation and just knew we couldn't be apart anymore i quit my job and moved in with him, we've now been together 2.5 years and married 1.5 years, we've a kitten and a puppy and I'm 17+3 with our first baby due in November .

Basically point being when it's the right person distance doesn't matter and you will eventually find a way of closing that distance .

Good luck

The only thing that you need to be really really certain about is that he is single. Transatlantic relationships are often actually affairs. Don't mean to be the voice of doom, but in the London finance world where I worked they were very very common.

Thanks, you've all given me lots to think about. Most of which are already thought processes but sometimes it's good to hear them from someone else. Just to answer a few points, closing the distance is something we've spoken a lot about. He would move over here but it's trying to work out the logistics of visas etc, having had one disastrous marriage I'm in now rush to sign another contract but from reading around it seems like the only way to make things happen. I certainly don't want to be in a LDR forever but making a big commitment to anyone so soon is scary.

I am very certain he's single, I am in contact with a lot of his family too as his mum (mom) was worried I was genuine so wanted to speak to me early on!!!

We speak everyday via skype/phone and if it wasn't for the price of flights we'd visit each other far more often than we do. I guess it's just reassurance more than anything I'm looking for. Like I say my marriage should have put me off men for life and I didn't expect this to happen!