I need to tell dm that we want to spend some quiet family time tomorrow

[thepixiefrog]

Hi

Quick opinion poll, I stupidly told DM what we were doing on Sunday and she invited herself along. I've already spent a lot of time with her this week so I could do with a break from her. I should have said "well, actually....." at the time but it's always my first instinct to appease her and not hurt her feelings (I know! I am working on it!)

Anyway, dh and I really want time alone with the DC. Is it acceptable to send a text along the lines of " sorry to change plans but we really would like some time to ourselves tomorrow". OR, is it better to ring? I'd prefer not to but I don't want to be unfair considering I should have said something at the time?

Don't over think it. Just text.

I would ring and say something like "we want to spend a bit of time just concentrating on the children tomorrow, but perhaps we could arrange something with you next week/month". I think saying you want time to yourselves might be taken as an insult whereas if you phrase it as quality time with the DCs she can't object (hopefully!)

She takes everything as an insult, hence my indecision about what course of action to take!

Well, that's one for text, one for phone. One more poster will decide this!

I think I'd phone and say do you mind if we give tomorrow a miss and meet up next week instead. We had promised that we would spend the day just us and the dc. I hope you don't mind.

At this late stage I really think you should ring, sorry.

If she is a lovely mum who will see your pov, then phone. If she is going to be offended whatever you do, then text.

Unless she is the sort to pretend she didn't see the text and come anyway, in which case you need to phone. But get dh to ring the doorbell after 3 minutes so you have an excuse to put the phone down!

OK, I'll phone her. She, unfortunately, is not a lovely mummy and there will be weeks of sulking and avoiding eye contact. But this may actually work in my favour as she could be so offended that she can't bring herself to come to the house.

Thanks for the replies

Don't cancel, defer. Make up an excuse, something non specific like tiredness, or you double booked or something, but not to worry at all as you can def go next weekend (or whenever is better for you) and you're all really looking forward to it. Repeat as necessary if she argues.

I know being honest is technically the right way, but its so much hassle when you have an easily offended prone-to-sulking mum.

What would you do if you child sulked?

Do that.

Cancel her.

Repeat 10 times - I am an adult and do not need my mother's permission to do anything.

Tried to ring but she didn't answer. I texted her saying:

"hi, how are you etc...dh has had a stressful week, and I think he could do with a quiet day tomorrow. If you don't mind could we give tomorrow a miss? I'll bring the DC up for tea one evening instead. Sorry to mess you around.x"

Then she rang and said that some of the text was missing, so I told her directly. She is obviously unhappy about it bit will not say. I can hear her cats bum mouth over the phone !

I'm so cross with myself for getting into such a tizz about this stuff! I now feel like my chest will explode worrying about if she is cross with me! I am such a tit.

Oh well, at least I managed to communicate my wishes for once rather than doing what she wants all the time. Baby steps, one day this shit will not matter to me anymore (crosses fingers).

My DM is a bit like this, or she used to be It took 4 years of no, or very limited contact to train convince her.

We now have a working agreement, in that if we are doing something in the week, she is welcome to come along and join us.

But, if we are doing something at the weekend, she is only welcome if specifically invited.

pixie I used to feel like you describe, worrying whether my mother was offended over perceived slights. It was exhausting and hung over me like a cloud until we had made up I apologised a million times. I don't know the solution as I always felt at fault. She died 5 years ago and it's the one thing I don't miss; constantly feeling bad, wrong, a martyr to her wishes. In retrospect, no matter how hard I tried it would never have been good enough. Can you minimise contact gradually?

I don't know your background and it sounds like you are aware of your need to work on this issue :) but blimey, I hope you are having some counselling for how to cope with your DM. You need real changes in your patterns of behaviour as well as strategies for the future which a counsellor would be great at giving.

Great that you did do something about it this time but language such as "if you don't mind" or " could we" are things to change for a start. What if she'd said "yes I do mind"?

Sorry - I'm premenstrual and sounding bossy and I know you have made a start with tackling your DM. I'm just saying I hope you are getting extra help. :)

I am in counselling!

I actually seem to say this on every single thread I begin. Someone always says "sounds like you need counselling" for one reason or another. Not that I take it as an insult, it's just funny how it always comes up.

No explanation or excuses. Just, mum really sorry but can't make it tomorrow. Will catch up with you in the week x

Well done you, hope you have a lovely day as a family.

One thing, your text was still apologetic, like you felt like you were doing something wrong "if you don't mind..sorry to mess you around". Maybe you need to practice your assertiveness!

Try to practice something direct to say next time she offers to accompany you or to pop round when you're not really up for it so that she can't catch you off guard. Perhaps along the lines of "We've already decided what we're doing on xx day but it would be lovely if you could join us next time instead".

She may be insensitive but I'm sure if she realised how much you resent her intrusion she wouldn't want to be there anyway, she just can't imagine that someone wouldn't want her there! Think of it as doing her a favour, because if you let her intrude on your family time when it doesn't suit you, you will be feeling resentful towards her which is mean. Saying no is not mean, its rude for her to invite herself along and you are just redressing the balance by declining.

Hi donut, I'm aware my language was very apologetic. Anything more assertive and direct would create a whole heap of problems so this is the approach that I am most comfortable with at the moment. With practice I will acclimatise her and myself to a healthier and more authentic way of interaction, but it will take time. Toxic parents and abused children don't just change their behaviour patterns overnight (if at all).

I think i'm doing pretty well considering.

I just realised how defensive that sounds. Sorry for being prickly, it's a bit upsetting when people talk about changing behaviour patterns as if it's the easiest thing in the world, or when people focus on the things I have not achieved instead of the things I have. It is very deflating when I feel all puffed up with adrenaline and pride because I have actually managed to stand up to DM for once, then people come along and say, "great, but you actually should have done it this way".

I know this was not anyone's intention and I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply. I felt I ought to explain my prickly previous post.

I think you did really well to stand up for yourself and communicate what you want. If she's funny about it, then remember that at least she's being funny about something that has a positive outcome for you, rather than just some random 'insult'.

And I agree that 'changing your behaviour' sounds like the easiest thing in the world. But it's not.

whitebird

Well done you :-)
I tend toward the 'suck it up and whinge about it to DH later' camp! So I think you did really well to go back to her, fix it and sort out a lovely family day.

My Dm used to come round every saturday night and in the end she would live it but DH and I didn't, we felt we couldn't ever relax. Anyway in the run up to Xmas we said every Saturday we had a party to go to instead ( we didn't ) and my Dm sulked so much she didn't even ask how the party was, which was a mighty relief not to make it all up.

Yes, sorry Pixie, I know that sounded flippant - I think you did brilliantly to stand up to her at all and should have made more of that point!

I remember a similar situation with my DM just after DS2 was born, she came to stay and showed no signs of leaving after 4 days - she wasn't helping much (didn't cook or clean etc, she made the odd cup of tea and would offer to look after DS2 so I could sleep, only to fall asleep holding him herself!!)

In the end I said we'd really like to go out and do some stuff as a family and that as our car only had 4 seats she wouldn't be able to come. Twas a lame excuse and she was v offended, but it was the only way I could get her to leave!! So I know its not easy. XH was EA and I took a lot of crap from him rather than stand up to him, so I should have known better.

xxx

You are all lovely

Pixie - I get myself in a flap when I have to do/say similar to my mum, and she sounds like your mum too (I laughed at hearing the cats bum down the phone!). In these circumstances you need to do what you feel is best and then try not to worry about the reaction guilt trip from your mum. You are so right that years of fear, obligation and guilt aren't going to be corrected in one, or even a few, assertive moments, nor is it easy to find the strength to be like that after all this time.

Hope you all had a nice day together!