Xh too drunk to attend ds's birthday party - advice please on how to deal with this

[Ingeniouspursuits]

Have name changed. Will try and give some background without making this an essay!

X and I married for short time, had ds, separated a year after birth as XH drinking, gambling, using drugs, becoming physically aggressive etc. Attempted to maintain civil relationship with him for ds's sake, but he has always been, for want of a better phrase, a loose cannon. He did calm down a little under the influence of a 7-year relationship after we split. He met a really lovely woman who doted on ds and managed to keep XH a little more focused on his priorities than I ever could! They lived in a lovely country village, ds stayed there most weekends, it was generally fairly settled as long as she was around! But he was still a big drinker, often unreliable etc.

Last year, he dumped her, and has been completely off the rails ever since. Back to drinking a lot, has a very young new gf, completely unreliable, has turned up for access stoned etc (I can't prove any of this of course but am not stupid!) Ds has stopped staying over with him as he has moved into a shared flat.

Anyway...Weds was ds's birthday and XH was supposed to be coming round for birthday dinner. He cancelled an hour before saying something had come up at work. Ds (who is now 10) was very upset. XH promised to be at his football party this morning. 10 minutes before party started, XH rang me, very obviously steaming drunk. This was at 11am. He said he wasn't capable of getting to the party. No shit.

Put the phone down on him and have heard nothing since. Where do I go from here? I don't want this man around my son, tbh. But do I have the right to stop him seeing ds, at least until he sorts himself out? I feel as if he's had his very last chance,after 10 years of pissing us about, but how do/could I explain this to ds? I'm so angry and so hurt on ds's behalf - I wanted more from his father for him than this useless pisshead.

Advice? Please?

You don't do anything.
If he shows up drunk (or you suspect he is) to see or take DS you don't allow it. And if he's driving call the police.
If he gets drunk while taking care of your DS, you stop contact and let him go to court.

You can explain to your DS that you cannot possibly allow him to be with a drunk adult.
You can also talk to him about alcoholism. Maybe reach out to AA for help?
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

He may well never sort himself out; its his choice after all and you cannot control his actions. The 3cs re alcoholism certainly apply:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

What you can do is protect your son and you from such malign influences. Your son needs decent male role models in his life; not his drunkard dad.

Thank you. I know I can't change him. I just feel so angry and helpless. I feel as if I've failed ds, choosing a man like that to be his father. He does have good male role models (my dp, my dad, my brother) thank god.

Do you think I would be ott to restrict his contact with ds? I just don't trust him. Ds has said that pretty much every time they've been together, XH has taken him to the pub.

I just want this man out of our lives, tbh. But ds loves his dad, despite becoming increasingly aware of the fact that he can't rely on him. It's so fucking sad.

He doesn't drive, btw. One small mercy.

Of course he loves his dad. Children love their parents unconditionally.

I loved my father; he was a violent and abusive alcoholic that committed terrible acts.
It is harder to reconcile loving and loathing a parent as a child, and as an adult really . Better it never gets to that point imo.

The more aware your ds gets the more your exh will embroil him in increasingly more adult situations that force a maturity on him he is not old enough to manage without taking responsibility for. As a child you still think the world revolves around you, unfortunately this includes the negative - fully grown adults take on responsibility for addicts, often requiring as much help to break away from the behaviour as the addict themselves. When this happens to a child it is laid down as the very fabric of who you are.

Your gut feeling - to remove your son from this - is very valid.
Guilt does not protect children.

Yes, you will feel guilty, you will probably get the shitty end of the stick from ds more than once. It is thankless & incredibly unfair you are forced to manage the mess ex's selfishness causes but you haven't failed your son - ex has and will continue to - but you are everything wonderful to your little boy and protecting his childhood and ameliorating the effects of his father will do more for him than the short term path of least resistance. How you do it is answered upthread.
In preserving your ds's view of his father, before it deteriorats further, you actually up the odds of helping their relationship later, when your ds is old enough to make up his own mind and can walk away if he chooses, or just maybe, if your ex sorts himself out. He wouldn't be the first to get sober & find they ruined any millionth second chance with their children.

These things are all part of the reason addiction is a whole family disease

There is no amount of wanting a better dad for your DS that will make this man a better dad for your DS. There is no amount of beating yourself up about your choice ten years ago that will redeem this situation.

Look at it this way -- you made one choice that didn't turn out well. After that you changed your life and improved your DS's beyond recognition. You have a DP who is a decent man for you and a proper role model and support for your DS and you have family that cares about you and DS.

Now you can make another solid choice. You can restrict or remove contact with the alcoholic. He can get better or worse as he chooses but there is no fairness to a situation where a child has to be up close and personal to what alcoholism entails. It's a profoundly self centered malaise. Keeping the DS out of it is a massive favour to him. And as TotallyBursar said, in the long run it may make the relationship between DS and his father less complicated than it might be if they were to spend a lot of time together.

Focus on the future - your X clearly has an additive nature and it's unsafe / unpredictable for your DS to spend time with him alone. You need to restrict access at least - maybe contact centres??? Then your trying to maintain the relationship for your son, looks good that you have promoted contact on paper if you need to go to court to remove access in the long run and if he turns up drunk etc it will go on record.

You should get some advice on the situation - maybe CAB, AA, family solicitors?

Also worth considering some counseling for your son that covers explaining addiction, the effect on the family and gives your DS the opportunity to work though some of the feelings he may be having. Maybe your GP could help in this area or above agencies.

In the long run, I think you should be trying to remove all access (lawfully) until X gets clean / goes to rehab. It must be incredibly hard for you to watch DS go through this, but you mustn't feel guilty. Throw your energy / anger into the best outcome for your son.

Hope you are able to work though this!

Unfortunately I think your ex has made it impossible for you not to explain something about the nature of addiction to your ds. It is kinder for him to know that his dad has gone off the rails because he has an alcohol problem than because he's stopped loving ds, or ds has done something wrong.

If he's consistently taking ds to the pub I wouldn't want him around an impressionable pre-teen even if he didn't have an alcohol problem, btw. However, given the increasing likelihood that he will go on a bender when he has care of ds (even if he doesn't set out to) I don't think you can risk unsupervised contact. As he's drinking in the morning you couldn't even restrict it that way to minimise the risks.

My DS also loves his dad despite all that happens but he knows why he can't have unsupervised time with him.

It is complicated, and sad, yes.
But we just have to make the best of what we have.

You are not OTT in stopping unsupervised access if he takes your child to the pub and drinks.

Thanks again, everyone. I spoke to XH last night and told him that he had crossed the final line. He admitted/agreed that he has a severe problem with alcohol, and understands, I think, that he is not good for ds atm. I asked him to get help - he said he would but even though he seems to be at rock bottom now I'm not convinced. He knows that he won't have unsupervised contact with ds until he gets help.

He's in a bad way, talking about suicide etc. I don't believe he will do anything though. The young gf has apparently dumped him, hence this latest bender. He is also considering leaving the UK to go back to his home country; obviously I don't really know how I feel about this wrt his relationship with ds. I tend to think its a lot of talk, tbh. He sobbed and sobbed all the way through the conversation, had me feeling sorry for him, but I kept firm and told him he'd reached the end of the line as far as my willingness to keep facilitating his relationship with ds when he consistently fails to put him first.

This is so hard. Dp is being supportive, but ds is very quiet today. I am also dealing with other severe mental health issues in my close family - I feel overwhelmed really but know I have to step up and make some tough choices for ds. Aaaaaargh, families!

Thànks again, it helps.

Just a quick update (if anyone's been gagging for news!)

Heard nothing from XH all last week, until Friday night when I received a series of increasingly incoherent and rambling texts from him about how miserable he was. He said it was probably a good idea that he couldn't see ds because he was liable to 'break down in front of him' - ffs. The self pity makes my skin crawl.

Anyway, I didn't respond except with one short text to tell him that ds was actually ill with a virus and very high temperature. He completely ignored this and continued for the next hour texting about how he couldn't see a dr like I'd asked because then he'd have to admit to having a problem, or words to that effect.

It's now three days later and I've not heard a dickybird from him, not even a one line text to see how ds is. I am doing the right thing, aren't I? His behaviour seems to justify it but I keep wavering. Should I just maintain radio silence? If he asks to see ds say, next weekend, should I let him, perhaps suggest the two of us take ds to the park or something? I'd rather not spend time with him tbh but I feel bad at cutting contact completely.

Interestingly, ds hasn't mentioned his dad to me at all since his birthday...

Alateen is designed for teenagers and the meetings can't be attended by anyone under twelve as far as I know, but you can access some of their written resources in their online shop. Perhaps you could give them a ring to see if any of their publications would be appropriate for a ten tear old?

Your son needs to understand that this is an illness that he didn't cause, can't cure it and can't control it. He may only be ten but you can bet his mind is whirring with questions, some which he may not feel able to put to you.

As far as the contact goes, you are absolutely, totally and utterly on the money. Stay strong, stay angry and good luck to you all. Addiction affects so many families, and the ones where the children are protected as you are protecting your son have the best chance of a good outcome.

Yes, radio silence. The good thing is that he hasn't been putting pressure on you to see ds - at some level he seems to understand that he would be causing harm to him, given the state he is currently in.

Protect your ds. Let XH go away and fix himself or fail to do so. Don't put for contact until your ex has got himself into a better place.

don't push for contact, not put.