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Friend of a friend makes it obvious she dislikes me. AIBU to ask for advice on handling the situation?

70 replies

Miffymoocat · 22/06/2013 15:23

Every month I go on a night out with a group of girl friends; there are around 10 of us altogether and we all get on well. A friend who was my best friend at school organises the nights out. We're not cliquey and any friends of friends are welcome to come along, the more the merrier really. I am still good friends with my friend who organises it, although we're not really 'best' friends anymore as I don't really have a best friend in adulthood, just a handful of people I would class as good friends.

Anyway, about 6 months ago my friend started bringing along another friend of hers to the meet ups. She and my friend seem to have become very close too. I've always been really friendly to her, and spoken to and treated her the same as I have done any other women that come along on nights out. However it's become apparent that she doesn't like me at all.

At first I thought she was just a bit shy, so gave her the benefit of the doubt and was chatty with her and friendly. However over time I realised that she is fine with other people, but she is very passive aggressive in her behaviour towards me. She added me as a friend on FB. I accepted. But she never interacts with me in any way. The only time she interacts is if anyone puts a sarcastic comments as a reply to any of my statuses (I have several friends/family members that I have quite a bit of banter on there with), and then she will 'like' what they have said. I posted a photo of me ready for a night out and my cousin, who I have a lot of banter with, said 'Bum still fat ;-)' very tongue in cheek, and this woman 'liked' her comment, which I think is odd given that she never interacts with me, let alone in any banter with me.

She also makes it obvious on our nights out that she dislikes me. We went out two weeks ago and when I arrived for our meal at a pub several of them were sitting on a long sofa bench type chair at a table, and there were a few chairs around the table but they were all being sat in and there wasn't room for any other chairs around the table. I said 'Can I squeeze on the sofa with you ladies?', and she just sat there, looked at me and wouldn't move, even though she was sat at the end where I could have sat. There was plenty of room for probably 3 more people, but she just looked at me giving me a dirty look. She then said 'Go and get a chair', and I said 'Well there isn't really any room for more chairs, can't I just sit on here' and she said 'Go and sit at a chair at another table then'. Everyone else just looked really embarrassed and so some others further up the bench moved up and I got in there, but it meant I had to walk along the row of people, including this woman, like you do at the cinema if you need the loo! When she could have just moved along 6 inches herself.

She also does things like if I am talking to someone she comes along, taps them on the shoulder and starts asking them questions, or she puts herself between the person and I, puts her back to me and again starts talking to them. I know she does this on purpose as it happens again and again and again.

I haven't said anything yet, as I don't want mutuals to feel caught in the middle, and they all seem to get on with her ok, but I'm getting to the stage where I'm going to tell her to stop being so rude and nasty. I think she might feel threatened as my friend and I are still close, and I think she really idolises my friend and wants her to herself.

Any ideas on how I can handle it? Is it best to just carry on ignoring her?

OP posts:
DoJo · 22/06/2013 15:58

I agree that you might be best to just say 'Why are you being so rude?' next time she tries anything - it gives her the opportunity to either bring up whatever perceived slight has made he dislike you or try and justify her actions. Either way, you win as you can either address the issue or just make it clear that you won't put up with being treated rudely. We all have people that we don't 'click' with, but the sensible thing to do is avoid interacting with them, not go out of your way to be rude and mean-spirited.

alwaysonmymind · 22/06/2013 16:03

As everyone else has said "did you mean to be so rude?" is a good line. I think sometimes others stay quiet so they dont bring the bad behaviour to themselves. A bit like standing up to the class bully really - if I dont say anything she wont pick on me. Totally out of order but it happens cos lots of people dont want to rock the boat and have a quiet life.

Delete her from facebook but I bet she will challenge you about this the next time you are together - to make out you are the horrible one. Make sure you have an answer ready - I cant think of something now!

Oh and ask your mutual friend why she is like that to you

RobotElephant · 22/06/2013 16:06

I wouldnt actually remove her from FB - just adjust your privacy settings so she can't really see anything, and won't be able to comment. Much more subtle/passive aggessive (you can set up groups to exclude certain people - I have a group that excludes work people for example). This way you can't be accused of excluding her, but she won't be able to nose around your profile.

As for things like refusing to budge up on the sofa - something like 'oh stop being a dick and just shift up' and just stand there. Call her on it, otherwise it'll get worse and she'll just carry on being a smug controlling cow. Show her you won't tolerate it,and tell her she's acting like a daft teenager. Turn it around and make her look like the dickhead she clearly is.

Pick your battles with her though.

Miffymoocat · 22/06/2013 16:06

I've just deleted her from my Facebook! :)

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 22/06/2013 16:08

Mardy - I thought it was very 'wendy' too.

Personally, I'd just speak to your close friend and ask her if something is up with 'wendy' as she's being very odd with you. Don't say too much but perhaps mention the sofa thing and just say it made you feel very uncomfortable.

MrsCampbellBlack · 22/06/2013 16:09

I suspect the other women didn't say anything because they were so shocked - you just don't expect adults to behave like that.

RobotElephant · 22/06/2013 16:09

Whatever you do though, don't make it into a big serious thing. Definitely don't make a big deal of it with your friend - she wants to drive a wedge between you both and she wins if you start slagging her off to your mate. Laugh it off, treat it as if she can't possibly be being serious and make light of it basically... Treat it all as a bit of a joke.

MrsCampbellBlack · 22/06/2013 16:10

Oh now I wouldn't have deleted her [too late] - she will now tell your good friend that you've got a problem with her, I bet you.

Frenchvanilla · 22/06/2013 16:12

She sounds absolutely terrible. You don't need someone toxic like that in your life.

I would refuse to go to any event where she is. Invite your friends along to stuff but make it clear that you don't want them to bring her.

I guarantee you that with time she will be horrid to someone else in the group instead, and the rest of them will wake up to what she is like. Then she will be left all alone, and you'll still have all your friends. Just make sure to keep up contact with them while refusing to have anything to do with her (in a as non-confrontational way as possible- I bet she loves drama, so you want to avoid that).

FoxyHarlow123 · 22/06/2013 16:13

Well done you. Stick it to the rude bint. Hate people like this.

MyPreciousRing · 22/06/2013 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frenchvanilla · 22/06/2013 16:14

It sounds quite like quite insidious behaviour to me. Ie the facebook 'liking' stuff- so hard for your other friends to challenge.

But the chair thing- I bet they were so shocked they didn't say anything, while thinking 'WTF?' in their heads.

MardyBra · 22/06/2013 16:14

Wendy thread

mollygibson · 22/06/2013 16:20

I don't know if I would have deleted her, but I don't think it's a disaster... It sends the message that you are on to her - and it's a sign of YOU taking control, instead of letting her call all the shots.

You have my sympathy, OP, she sounds like a complete horror!

Cherriesarelovely · 22/06/2013 16:21

Well you could say "I deleted you because you clearly dislike me". That would be factual and hard to argue with.

DeepFriedRyvita · 22/06/2013 16:27

If asked just say you deleted people you dont speak to on fb

carolthesecretary · 22/06/2013 16:36

Very tempting to challenge her but I would actually rise above it. I would make sure I sat at the opposite end of the table and generally give her a wide berth. I did this with a work colleague and ended up having the upper hand as the rude bint who terrorised me was sacked. It was only after she left that everyone said how much they disliked her and how sorry they said they felt for me!

If anyone asks about the FB deletion then I would say that I got the impression that she didn't really like you so didn't see much point in having her on there.

melika · 22/06/2013 16:48

I am so glad you posted this, she is a very clever person and succeeds to rile you up.

From past experience, I had an aquaintance at school who lived few doors away from me. For best part of 11 years, on school run, she made me feel like shite. Any chance she had, she would slip in nasty digs about my children, car, house, anything really. I never said a nasty word to her, couldn't understand what I had done for her to be like this. I used to talk to all the moms up the school. I realised I would treat her the same, she used to ignore me in a group, so I did the same. This woman would pass me in the street and not acknowledge me. Very sutble, very clever.

If I were you, block her on facebook, ignore her, feign innocence if challenged by your best friend. It's your turn to be an evil, scheming bitch to her. Good luck.

quesadilla · 22/06/2013 17:26

Going to go against the grain here and suggest passive aggression. I think this girl wants to provoke a reaction from you so she can turn around and say you are paranoid/jealous/crazy to your mutual friends.

I would just totally ignore everything she says to you unless its said on company (in which case be punctiliously polite.) she will eventually just get bored or frustrated.

NoobyNoob · 22/06/2013 17:33

If it was me, I would actually ask what the problem was (in a non-confrontational manner!)

If she is being so flippant and aggressive towards you for no reason, then I would most definitely ask what the problem was and if a solution could be found. Perhaps she has got the wrong end of the stick with something?

SoleSource · 22/06/2013 17:40

Is her name Wendy?

I would start to say loud and clear that you d not feel that you have in anyway provoked such a spiteful response from her and WHY do I always get this treatment

SueDoku · 22/06/2013 19:07

MardyBra and Sole my first thought on reading the OP was that this was a classic Wendy....and having read through the thread I'm sure of it. OP you need to fight back now (find the recent Wendy thread and read to get some tips) or you will find yourself outside the group and isolated...Have a Wine to steady your nerves... Good luck!

lougle · 22/06/2013 19:29

It's a tricky one. I've found being fairly brief and pleasant but not giving much room for manipulation useful.

RowanMumsnet · 22/06/2013 19:38

Hello

This isn't really an AIBU so we've moved it to Relationships now.

Latara · 22/06/2013 19:45

If she interrupts you again; say ''we were talking hun (or other suitably patronising put down) '' then turn back to your other friend and continue the conversation you were having... or you could laugh to your other friend and say ''oh dear Wendy's always trying to interrupt'' (bitchy but could work)...

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