only i could mess this up so badly

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I have totally and royally screwed up. Been with my dp for nearly 2 years and have now totally messed up because i'm a psycho cow with too many insecurities.

I've recently been put on ad's and need to sort out councilling sessions. and my dp has been so supportive, giving that i've been a total cow to him specially once a month and recently i've been feeling broody and wanting more from my relationship.

Dp who is a lot older has always been honest with me about the fact that he doesn't want more dcs, never really said much on the getting married.

the past few days i've been really moody towards dp, (pmt) and it all came to a head last night and i had a blow up at him, finding stupid little faults, until i broke down and told him the truth, that i wanted more and he couldn't give it to me. and told him i want out.

now after (somewhat) sleeping on it, i've realised i was incredibly stupid and i had everything i want.

I'm expecting people to flame at me, so feel free. I'm not expecting sympathy, it's my fault. but thinking i'm gonna have to have a trip to docs again.

Well I'm giving you sympathy because if you're on ADs etc then you're probably feeling pretty crap anyway. I think you just have to talk to him. You say he's supportive so you may find he's able to overlook last night and you can move past it.

An do go to GP if you need more support, I think that's a good idea. Are you finding a private counsellor or trying to go through GP?

gp cant get me anything for 4-6 months so it's gonna have to be private.

tried talking to him, but nothing he doesn't wanna know. he's gone up to play taxi for family atm, so won't see him now till tomorrow

But, the thing is, you DO want more!

You do want a family, something that he'll never ever give you, because he has one already thankyouverymuch

You need time to think. If this relationship stays exactly as it is, for another 5, 10, 15 years... where will you be then?

You need to be honest with yourself, first and foremost. You have time, but not limitless amounts of it.

Who you spend your time with during this time is very important. Make it count.

i've got dd (3) and dp has 3 grown up boys. so i can understand why he doesnt want another.

this is true hissy, i just wis i'd kept my mouth shut

I'd also support what hissy said - please think very carefully about whether you want to be back in a relationship with him. If you want to make it work then you'll have to be ok with never having children. If deep down you know you do want marriage and children, I personally think it would be a bad idea to stay with him, knowing that it will never happen. You could end up feeling resentful towards him, and bitterly regret your decision to give up having a family.

thanks guys i appreciate the responses. you're both right

i think it's time to have a good old sit down and think

I don't think we should ever keep our mouths shut tbh.

I don't think you should retract your comments. If you want another child, and he won't consider it, you kind of have to make a judgement call over if you give up on your future dreams, or not.

Leave him time to think. Don't back down from the other child thing, if that's what you really want.

Take time out, don't contact him, do some thinking and let him have the space to do the same.

I think that 'keeping your mouth shut' has contributed to your need for AD's. :(

On the face of it, I had everything, lovely house/home, two children, good job, lots of money, but I was not happy. I tried for years, ended up with a breakdown because of the guilt, resentment and unhappiness. You wont get this time back again so I hope you can work out what you want.

you're right myroom, but thing is i'm only just starting to see that, after years of not being able to tell my parents anything to ex's who didnt want to listen.