Tips for helping children through separation...

[ThisHurts]

Last night, my lovely DH and I decided to separate. :(
We're both heartbroken (other thread here
We have a holiday cottage in the garden which he'll live in over the Summer whilst we sort out the house for selling etc. We have pledged to be kind to one another, to still do things as a family... But I'm anxious to make this as easy as possible on out two children, aged almost 8 and 3.

How to we phrase it when we tell them? How do I comfort them?

Watching

Thishurts

Ok, I am NO expert on explain seperation to kids.

BUT Make sure you tell them TOGETHER, do not apportion blame on either you or EXDP. Make sure you tell them that you both Love them very much and will always be there for them. But you just don´t like being together anymore.

You and EXDP need to make a consious decision to not bash each other in front of the kids. Don´t talk to the kids in negative terms at all about him, and he must do the same. Thats what friends are for (ie wait untill kids are in bed and call friend to cry, scream whatever)

Both of you must be careful to not enter the one up manship league. No trying to spoil them on his days or your days. Make sure you both do fun stuff with them and make sure you both do the hard stuff. ie both work on behaviour issue if there are any. Both deal with chickenpox and colds etc. Both help with school work

Get a contact arrangement and stick to it. ie if he says he will be there are 9 on saturday he needs to be there at 9 on saturday. But be flexible with each other ie DD1 is going to this party on its on saturday so you could have her for the morning and then take her to the party and I could pick her up and bring her home etc.

I would also consider talking now whilst you can about what would happen in the future should either of you meat someone else. I think it is very difficult situation when one parents moves on quickly for the kids and the other parent to deal with.

I would suggest a party line / consistency. ie why doesn´t daddy live with us anymore. Daddy loves you both very very much, but he and mummy are much happier apart. And daddy answers questions in the same way

I am also a great fan of this line "don´t get divorced untill there is nothing more to say"

ie hash everything out between you and exdp, get all the bitterness, anger, hurt, resentment out of the way. Both speak your minds fully say it all. THEN put it behind you and work together whilst seperatly to make sure your kids are both of your prioties

Remember to keep the lines of communication with both EXDP and the kids open and I´m sure that you will get through this in time and hopefully you will all be very happy

hth, and I am sorry you are going through this.

THANK YOU. Really. When we spoke last night, one of the things we said was that we must NEVER speak negatively about the other in front of DC. My parents were lovely about each other after they separated, and it really made things easier for us.
I never thought about the oneupmanship thing, so thank you especially for that one.

Totally agree about thrashing out the details now, as far as you can. Thrashing them out through the medium of solicitors will cost a bomb. Avoid if at all possible. Agree details and when ready find collaborative lawyers to do the formalities.

Agree with everything rain said about the children. My patents couldn't help thendelves with airing their grievances in front of us and through us. That did the damage not the separation.

Hey your welcome. Like I said I am no expert.

I´m just string bits together from situations I have been involved with that didn´t go well.

Don´t miss understand me I am all for spoiling kids with the ocassional treat etc. but I think it can get very dangerously into the trying to buy their affection territory. Ie mum buys a playstation dad buys an xboxone etc. I also think the both parents need to do the hard stuff. In the long run it works out so much better for everyone

Total respect for your parents as it can be the hardest thing in the world to do. Power to them both.

The seperations I know of that have gone very well are the ones where the parents find total respect and support for each other as parents (not as partners). They are able to put whatever the cause was to the side and present a united, loving and caring front to the kids.I am honestly in ore of some of them. Their kids are thriving, well balanced and lovely, the parents are happy (much happier to be honest) and they make it look easy.

Ineedofrain speaks a lot of sense. So, all of what she/he said, plus one more thing.

Amongst all of the "we both love you, we're just happier apart" etc etc, it is important to get a balance of pointing out that there are positive aspects of the break up, but also that it is sad. And that they are allowed to be sad.

I have seen children who have become very angry and frustrated because well meaning parents have been very upbeat about the break up: "you'll get two lots of presents and two lots of toys!" Etc etc. and, particularly if the break up has come as very welcome to one or both parents it can be treated as a positive thing.
Equally, I have seen children carry the sadness and despair of a break up for years and years because one or both parents have been particularly sad, or negative about it. Again, well-meaning, letting the children grieve for an extended period and agreeing with them that it is all terrible and hopeless and they are very unfortunate.

That was a bit waffly - apologies. But basically what I am saying is to find a balance where all the children's emotions are accepted and validated, but the over all message is that things will be okay and that although no one would have chosen the situation - the expectation is that after a period of grief, all of you will lead happy and fulfilled lives.

That really rang a bell with me chloe- My parents were very upbeat and positive, which was brilliant, but I think that "It's okay to be upset" was missing, too. I have never viewed their separation as a negative thing- I saw my mother blossom and bloom afterwards- But I was in my teens and I had girlfriends to confide in.
It's so bloody hard, isn't it. And yet, I am lucky- DH is a good man, and a good father, and many people hate their exes. (Fuck. That's the first time I've thought of him as my ex.)

Lots of helpful links and info here.

www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/worried_about_your_child/divorce_separation/resources