how do i improve my bad relationship with my mum?

[JemimaPuddle]

I've always had a difficult relationship with my mother but haven't always understood why.
She was never very nice about my dad (they were married for a number of years after we all left home) but slagged him off to all who would listen. In fact I remember her telling me she wished she could divorce him from being very young.
The issues were money (we had a lot but dad would spend what he earned & mum was a saver) and differing interests. My dad liked films, reading & computers whereas my mum liked watching soaps and always said she wanted to go out more. Once divorced my mum never went out & dad spent a lot of time socialising!
Anyway I think that is what caused the beginning of the problems with my mum.
She's always been a victim, suffers depression & had a very difficult childhood.
She's a stupidly emotional person & cries frequently. I really hate this about her, it's embarrassing (she spent my DDs bday party crying in the toilets) and is a very negative person in general.
I've little tolerance left for her - she is not self aware & conversations are draining but she has no idea why I don't like her.
My dad died 4 years ago & even though they'd not spoken for years she was devestated & he was the 'love of her life' . She was no support to me or my sibling.

I wish I could have a relationship with her and I'm so sad I don't have a real mum tbh she's like an irritating neighbour.

I've had 2 MMC of which she knows nothing as the crying would be even worse & I know she'd tell me how worried she'd been - not sleeping etc so I can't talk to her about this or anything else really as it adds to the stress of the issue.

How do I begin to accept her as she is & that I'll never have that person I can talk to??

If you've got this far, thank you for reading :)

She sounds very self-centred, doesn't she, but you dont mention whether she gives you a hard time for not sharing things with her - which would make it more difficult. As it is, you can 'manage' things around her (eg not telling her about things that are important to you because she'll make it all about her) and maintain a civil relationship with her - probably the best you can do with what's on offer. It won't be the close sharing relationship you dream of, but you have close friends for that?

Thanks walk
She doesn't give me a hard time for not sharing, I'm not sure it even occurs to her that I don't iykwim. She would say I was her best friend but that had always confused me.
I had resigned myself to just keeping it civil but she seems to be getting worse.
For example she looks through the window then either walks in or walks around to the back door. I've asked her to knock on the door like everyone else. This morning she did it again so I snappily said why can't you just knock on the door? She burst into tears and stormed off!
She's a brilliant grandma so I can't just cut her off.
I've also just had an unexpected bfp & am worried for a number of reasons. I hate that I don't have a mum I can talk to about it.
Sorry for the waffle!

She sounds like an attention junkie.

You can't possibly have a relationship with her, she hasn't got the space for anyone else in her life but her.

We can't make people change. We either live with them as they are, or point out our issues, and if they are not addressed by that person, the only thing we can do is create distance.

This is not a reflection on you, it's her choice to be the way she is. Crying in the loos at your daughter's party? Idiotic and worth taking her to task over actually, but ultimately, nothing you can do.

I'm sorry, I know that's bleak, but you have to accept that you can't change her.

Thanks Hissy

That's what I'm finding hard I guess, she'll never change but she's so unhappy.

She doesn't want to change even.

Talking to her is exhausting.

She is getting something out of her misery, some kind of pay off, or she wouldn't keep doing it.

She's the centre of her own universe and her own happiness scares her.

I dare say her parents were the reason for this, what kind of relationship did she have with them?

She had a difficult childhood, sexually abused by her brother and badly bullied at school.
I don't know much else as my grandparents died when I was quite young.
Her first husband (not my dad) was physically
abusive too.

I completely sympathise with you and understand the loss of never having the kind of mother you would wish for. Almost all of what you have written also applies to my own mum (though she was abusive in many ways that yours doesnt seem to be).

She will never improve and cannot see things the way you can. This sort of self-absorbed behaviour only gets worse. A bit like a teenager testing your boundaries - the more she gets away with, or the longer it goes on for, the worse she will become.

I agree with Hissy that she is clearly getting something out of her misery... I'm guessing sympathy and attention. I recently went no contact with my mum and life is definately easier now. I'm not suggesting you do the same, but try to minimise her impact on your life. She is not capable of having a two-way relationship with you or anyone else.

So there you go.

She's never had a healthy relationship with another living soul her entire life. Her own parents failed to protect her, and her brother violated her.

She has NO chance now of ever seeing life any differently. She won't ever be a positive person in your life, or that of your children.

Sooner or later they'd see her tears at the parties and take on board the guilt that they are apparently causing her.

You can't help her. You really can't. But you can protect yourself and your family from her negativity.

My parents were fairly nasty, I was in an abusive relationship, but i've addressed the harm it did. I fight tirelessly for myself and my son when my family are being crap.

I'm NC with my dad and my sister. My mum's the last to go, but she will go. I won't make any effort to contact her when the time comes.

People in your life have to contribute positively, or they don't get to share it. It really IS that simple.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics here.

I was not at all surprised to see that abuse featured in her childhood; she was herself failed by her parents and abused by her brother. She went on to marry an abusive man. She as Hissy rightly states has never known any emotionally healthy and functional relationship her whole life and now does not want to know either. You cannot help her nor should you try. She is too damaged and is as well likely to be narcissistic in terms of personality i.e its all about her, lets talk about me some more.

You would not tolerate this from a friend, family are truly no different here.

If she is too toxic or difficult for you to deal with then she is certainly too difficult for your own children to have any form of contact with.