Downunderdolly. New legal/custody issue. Hold my hand and help!

[downunderdolly]

Hello

I've posted sporadically over the last few years about my marriage breakdown. Short story, ex left when DS was 2.5 in middle of IVF for OW. I'm legally obliged to stay in Oz despit, financial and parenting agreement thrashed out. Ex sees DS8 nights a fortnight. Has been difficult to say the least since then in terms of secrecy, bullying comms and all manner of things.

Up until Jan this year he was (we are both obliged to remain in our home city legally) he was living in another city whilst pretending not to, taking DS on 10 hour round trips to other city, not telling me address of, not taken holidays he was allowed to legally as not convenient and essentially telling me that he would parent as he saw fit, I'm not allowed to go to 'firsts' like soccer matches when his w/end and being vile.

Jan this year, OW moves to this city, her ex allows her, her son lives with them most of time (never met OW).

6 weeks ago DS comes home from ex and says Daddy is sad as he misses me and he thinks it would be fairer if I spend one week with him, one week with you. Cue coming into my bed each night and wetting the bed for first time in many months (age 5).

I then ask to speak to ex (who sends me controlling email about what i may or may not speak to him about) who denies having this conversation but refuses to say its groundless.

Last 6 weeks, his sporadic and aggressive comms change overnight. Cue 6 week of 10+ emails a week veering between the invented concerns (verging on ludicrous - ie DS traumatised by too much fruit in lunch box), inventing things and then being sacharine sweet. Started taking him to soccer which previously refused, asked to speak to him several times a week (not done in last 2 years), setting email trail to pain me as bad guy.

Transparent 360 but 6 weeks later he is taking me to court to change parenting agreement to get 50/50. He lives 50 mins commute to our sons school, we have a non functioning relationship, and he is also seeking to prevent me from travelling to UK in Aus summer hols (only time I and son can get off work/school although every 2 years agree son would spend xmas even, day and bd with Dad - this year planning on travelling after this for DM 70th).

In Oz they start at 50/50 and work back depending on circumstances. They changes law a few years ago which means more people who dont' speak get 50/50 (used to be only people playing nicely in sandpit).

I'm distraught as picked myself up from being roadkill to create flexible career that allows me to take son to and from school, he is now in great place, look forward to annual trip home, and as he is so little and we don't live near genuinley feel its so wrong. Legally have to do mediation first but scared as ex is verbal and quite clever bully. We previously had parenting agreement in place that I thought set things out and now he has other family and kid in residence he is thinking why not have mine too.

Not sure what I am asking other than help me be strong and if anyone has gone through mediation with bully any tips. I'm not saying 50/50 would never work or even be in DS best interest in future but not at age 5 when we live such a distance and can't be functional together and DS is in good place. Ex has been in his ear about it all but I refuse to stoop to influencing.

Terrified....

sorry, mean 8 nights a month

Hi dolly I'm so sorry you're going through this. How awful. I'm afraid I have no useful advice but here's a hand to hold. Do you have a good support network in Australia? Hope there are people in RL you can rely on.

Oh Dolly so sorry to hear he's causing you problems ( you seemed to be getting there recently !)
have you spoken to your solicitor ( guess its tricky on the weekend) you mention a 50 min commute , does that make it practical to do 50/50 ? I guess 50 mins to school is not impossible but also not ideal? How will this fit in with ex's work pattern? Will it necessitate him involving OW in childcare?
Speak to your sol on Monday see what s/he says. Is it a move to reduce maintenance ? Sorry can't be any more help as unsure of system in Oz. sending hugs and hope you can get it settled happily. Btw the Mr Nice is part of the plan to look good in court ( sure I'm teaching granny to suck eggs but keep a log: I copy and paste all texts and keep all emails) x

Hey

I spoke to my solicitor 6 weeks ago when DS told me of Daddy's sadness. I'm a little placated as its more of an uphill for him to prove given distance, age and past history BUT I'm guessing he is also getting good advice too and has recently switched to the sort of equivalent of celebrity hot shot legal firm (we were both using reputable but more 'local' firms 2 years ago).

Part of genesis is there was drafting agreement in our financials which is a long story but meant when he was paying less from beginning of year when DS turned 5, turns out error meant paying 35% less than intended. I have been trying to rectify this and he has been a bit if you are doing this, I am doing this.....

Yes. Ironically I feel emotionally normal for first time in many years and this happens. In terms of his emails, after consulting with lawyer, sent hinm email saying whilst happy to do xy and z not happy to spend time correcting and perpetuating email chain that is insincere and started for court purposes only. Things then went quiet but now we are 'on'. If I was in UK would not be worried but law is much different here. What fucks me off more than anything is that DS is in the most stable, happy and delightful stage he has been in since split. Loves his home, loves Daddy, loves quasi step mother and step brother, sees them, has great community here too....and now it looks like all going to shit.

also we DID legal round table to get to our agreement. That WAS fucking mediation and compromise from me. Now I feel bullied into mediation about something already agreed but that I know i'll look bad if I'm negative about shiftng IYSWIM. SO unfair IMHO

Oh this is so shit. So much more for you to endure again, Dolly. :(

Have no advice only sympathy - have you posted this on the legal boards?

Is this the guy who kept on referring to his set-up with OW and her son as your ds's real/main family?

Oh God, you poor thing. I can see why you're feeling beaten down by him, but can I just point out that HE IS NOT IN CHARGE OF THIS!!!!!! YOU are the boy's mother and have primary residence. He cannot dictate what you say to your son, nor whether you turn up to a public football match to watch him play. If he tells you he will "parent as he sees fit," then you tell him that so will you.

You need to get assertive with him. Re: the email trail, I'm not sure what the accepted advice would be on those, whether it'd be best to ignore them, but if you do respond, then I'd keep them short and simple and state things like "you are mistaken on that" or "you know that that is not how it happened" and so on.

Good luck - he sounds a complete bastard and remind yourself how lucky you are that he did in fact leave. Otherwise you'd be stuck living with him as well as dealing with this sporadic shit.

Yes clam the very same.

He now has decided he wants son 50/50 now he has a nice convenient set up and the OW son is there most of the time.

I am praying that the courts will not believe it is in DS best interests. I don't see how living so far apart and not being able to paricipate in social life of local school playdates etc will be seen as a good thing but as I say, the law is different here. It used to be that only in cases of amicable and geographic proximimity it was granted but it changed legally a few years ago so now a possibility.....

Dolly, that is so wrong, your XH should not be saying things like that to your DS. That is laying a guilt trip on a 5yo child and is so wrong.

I really hope that the court don't grant the access.

Sorry you are having to deal with this shit Dolly.Stay strong ...you have already dealt with so much. Like you say, you are feeling emotionally stronger and have a solid foundation after dealing with his behaviour over the years.You are resiliant and empowered and you can and will get through this.Big hugs to you and surround yourself with people that you love and trust. Keep fighting the good fight ...you will prevail!

Wish I had some useful advice, have followed your threads and you always kept that fighting spirit so do not feel you are boxed in by this nasty individual. Is the timing coincidental? Dare I say it, any feel-good vibe he picks up from you could be subconsciously alerting him to mess with your head anew.

I am no child psychologist but the bed-wetting is surely a flag that DS has been upset. Something has changed, to his detriment. I am sure you are on top of this and his welfare is paramount, but hate to phrase it this way but can you 'use' that?

Hello Dolly

Sorry to read that your ex is still being a narcissistic shit. I can't say I'm surprised though.

I know how scared you must feel, but take heart from the fact that it will be an uphill struggle for him because, given the history and current circumstances, it is not in the best interests of your ds for the status quo to change to your ex's suggestion.

I wouldn't take too much stock either by the fact that your ex is presumably receiving his own legal advice on how best to get what he wants. Where there are people willing to pay, there will be lawyers willing to represent their best case. That's a lawyer's business and how the justice system works. Ensure you have the best lawyer you can afford too.

As you say, I understand the australian legal system is somewhat less 'archaic' that the uk in that it does start from a 50/50 basis. However, you must focus on what is best for your child. 50/50 might be fairest for the parents, but not necessarily fairest for the child. You have raised a lot of good points about why your ex's suggestion isn't in the best interests of your ds. Stick to that and keep to it - you know that the courts don't care about anything else but the child's best interests in these cases.

You may have to go through a court battle or your ex may just be war mongering because you are seeking to rectify an error in the original parenting agreement. I would keep a record of every occasion where your ex has not displayed proper commitment or courtesy to your ds (eg, only taking up holidays with your ds when it suits him), and every time he's behaved a bit bat shit crazy. He may try to portray himself as a great father, but you have evidence to show that it's only on his terms and when it suits him, which is contrary to his claim.

Is there an australian mumsnet equivalent or similar? There will be countless other women who have been in your position - seek them out and see what they advise.

It may all come to nothing, but even if your ex presses ahead - you can do it Dolly. You are much more emotionally stronger than before. Do not be intimidated or cowed - given your recent experiences you're now a fighter by trade so if your ex wants a scrap then tell him to bring it on (because he'll be going home in f*ing ambulance).

Strength and peace to you.
xxxxx

dolly, just wanted to say sorry you're going through this. I don't know enough about the Australian system to venture on any advice, so all I can offer is sympathy.

I'm in the same position in that ex is going for 50/50 and has been attempting the most ludicrous set-ups to try to create evidence that I'm blocking contact - he failed to turn up for contact for 48 hrs then lied to his solicitor that I was refusing it. I had all my texts and emails saying "We're here for handover! Where are you?" so he didn't get very far.

Sorry, that's a bit me me me. But I know how wearing and expensive and bloody never-ending this is. All I can say is don't be bullied into submission, hold the line, take it a day at a time and this won't last forever. People will see through his falseness (ds traumatised by the fruit in his lunchbox!) and he won't be doing himself any favours.

The mediation - I was very clear upfront with my mediator that I expected exH to try to bully me. There were two mediators in with us. Most of it was a lengthy monologue from exH that just didn't make sense at all - I could see from the glazed look in the mediators' eyes that they could understand there was no point engaging with someone who just wasn't capable of it. It was a slightly comic experience in some ways. It's hard for someone to bully you when you are fundamentally bored by their rants and have heard it all before.

One foot in front of the other. You've survived everything he's thrown at you before now, and he's not going to break you now.

Hello Ladies, old thread and new

Thanks so much for your responses and kind words. It really is just the sense of going down the rabbit hole again having clawed my way out of it and feeling on the up and up.

I'm determined not to be bullied. Annoyingly my regular lawyer is on hols for 3 weeks; although it is prob a good idea to take stock and think correctly. Irrespective of the personalities involved it seems so unfair that we reached what I felt compromise on parenting plan, I didn't file a relocation suit as could travel home each year etc, he harped on about adhering to the plan for the last 2 years outside of common sense and NOW it suits him to have DS with him (despite the upheaval, travel, lack of community) he can just say OK, not so keen on that agreement, lets give it another whirl. And I am FURIOUS he has been in son's ear. He wet the bed again last night. I can't think its unrelated. And I daren't raise it with him beyond saying are you worried about anything as don't want to be leading the witness myself. Thinking outloud though, I went to see a child psychologist on my own about a year and a half ago, I may give her a call to find out the best way to handle. DS loves his Dad and I think is concerned that Daddy has said its not fair and that its being mean to Dad. Christ. Awesome parenting there ex-H. Ironic given he is changing agreement on grounds of what is in best intersts of DS....

Thank you all again x

I briefly dated a guy in Perth who's ex wife had successfully moved the kids to Melbourne and was allowing two Skype calls a week and 5 hours contact per month so please don't feel it's all lost and stacked against you.
The courts do not like children living out of suitcases and the one week with each parent only works if the parents do the moving, but the children remain in the home.
See what you're solicitor says bit I reckon he'll be told to fuck off tbh

Hi Dolly - any more communication from the ex?

I feel your pain in terms of having to go back down the rabbit hole. To some extent, and unfortunately so, we are always going to have to deal with these sociopaths. However, I assume things will get easier each time there is a 'crisis' what with the dc getting older and having their own opinions (although I hate hate hate wishing my dc's childhood away like that - want to be able to savour every second of it), and with our owns pasts becoming 'overwritten' by new memories and ourselves becoming more and more emotionally detached.

You sound like you are very afraid of your ex. I am the same (although he is delightful to everyone else, and was to me until he left to be with ow). I suspect that, actually, there is nothing to be afraid of, but it is just our own self-esteem and confidence which has taken a knocking.

You have good solid arguments regarding why the status quo should continue. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. He may well try to railroad his agenda, but stand firm - the odds are against him.

Is there any mileage in getting your concerns about DS' bed wetting in writing to your ex in case it ends up in court? I have minimised my contact with ex to texts - annoying, but it keeps it all in one place and stops things from getting blurred. Any text I write, I do so with the assumption that it will be read by a judge at some point (so I am always careful, measured and clear).

I hope things are quiet and peaceful so you have some time to think things through whilst your solicitor is away.
xx

Hi Dolly, I have no advice really as I know nothing about the Oz legal system. I just wanted to drop by and say you are amazing and strong and have a great deal more power and influence than you probably feel you do. You are your son's best and only mother, your ability to parent him well is not only clear but also in his best interests - don't be afraid to point out how your ex's behaviour is upsetting and influencing your son. Going via psychologists and doctors is a good idea. Try to keep an objective record of how your son is being affected, as well as a record of your efforts to protect and support him too. And come back for help and support from us at any time.

I still remember the help and support you gave me on my threads and I think you are brilliant btw x

So nice to see some 'old faces' as it were and thanks for your kind words and thoughts. Really touched! (and Choco I remember reading your blog; right back at you, hope things are OK).

My lawyer is away until 16th which on the one hand is bad on the other hand I think in a way helps. I'm not going to rush into anything. Another lawyer at the firm has drafted a letter but I'm not happy with it so will leave until my lawyer (her firm) is back. I'm also going to spend the money to speak to another few law firms to health check the advise.

Ex has been quiet. He has not responded to emails for months about upcoming school holidays but as I put in legal letter he is now suddenly enthusiastic. My DS will be with him for 8 days, the longest time away from me ever, so far its only been 5 nights as ex has not taken all of holiday entitlement to date (another proof point).

DS loves exH, OW and her son. I've been 100% positive about them from day one and with DH being in DS ear about how much fun it would be, how its fairer blah blah then if it gets to court - when DS will have 'own' lawyer who chats to them - god knows what will come out. I am FURIOUS as I write that. Part of me things that ex wants more time but not 50/50 and is banking on the fact I won't 'put DS' through the process, but I guess I know enough about him now not to second guess until I find out what he actually wants. I am FURIOUS though that he is turning our world upside down again.

Well, I'm not scared of him (physically) but I am very very wary of him as he is very charming and convincing (he convinced me and I'm not a dumb ass!) when he wants to be. I'm also scared/wary as I know he has not a drop of empathy for me and cannot in any way see that treating me badly has knock on effect for our DS.

Without sounding over dramatic I am beginning to think that he has sociopathic tendencies. I'm thought about our relationship and its aftermath and at the risk of being cod/couch psychiatrist, I think he doesn't have a sense of self. I think he advertently or not, mirrors the partner who he is with so its like looking in a mirror and you think how amazing, this good looking, charismatic man likes books, and theatre, and this and that and then he loves all my family and friend and they love him. I think he reflected the good bits of me back to me IYSWIM. Piecing bits together he did this with other girlfriends (one showjumped so rode and did horse things on her property for 4 years, never since), and previous wife then just walks away from that life. And its the sociopathic side of him I'm afraid of. He's a bit like the cop in the terminator, just keeps going unfeelingly until he gets what he wants. And I'm scared of not putting a foot out of place. My Achilles heel is that I respond emotionally to things in life, and I need to keep my powder dry and be smart in the mediation that I am going to have to do (I don't 'have' to but looks bad in court if I refuse).....

...anyhoo...I'll keep you posted....I keep repeating all the +ves on my side and try to keep the faith but in the middle of the night my heart races.

Dolly x

It's funny you say that about him having no real self-identity dolly. I get the impression that he is quite parasitical. If he has no real core, then he needs someone else to validate him. I remember that he was very 'nice' during the marriage, and has undergone something of a jekyll and hyde transformation since? I also remember that you had some traumatic difficulties yourself just before the split and were in a situation where you very much needed his support and he told you to stop crying and was very cold? I wonder if you had lost your own sense of self a little (quite understandably - being on the other side of the world in a new country, undergoing a very difficult, emotional experience). You weren't at that time in a position to be his 'core' or provide him with the constant validation, therefore he moves on to a new, more useful, 'host'. I'm guessing that he probably mirrored all your values, told you what you wanted to hear when you were together, and has now discarded them in favour of the values of the ow. It is difficult to come to terms with someone so illusionary (for want of a better word).

I don't know if that's sociopathic, or narcissistic or something else entirely, but it's clearly a great big fizzing ball of covert dysfunctionality! Back away slowly.

Stand your ground - your ex is not as powerful or clever as he thinks he is. He's just a bloke - puts his pants on one leg at a time like the rest of us, etc. Don't be bulldozed into anything - you have a legitimate thinking and fact gathering period with your lawyer being away until the 16th. Ignore any communication putting you under pressure. If any answer is required you are perfectly reasonable to say your lawyer is on holiday till mid july and you will discuss everything with her as soon as you can on her return. Any new situation for your ds is not something which should be entered into in haste and the matter requires proper consideration for your son's benefit. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Stand firm girl - we are shoulder-to-shoulder with you!
xx