how lazy or helpful is your husband?

[hudsonriver1]

Just as the title says really, mine does nothing so wanting to see whats the norm

Did your DP live alone before you moved in together? It baffles me when men who lived alone and managed to do everything for themselves suddenly abdicate all responsibility and play dumb when there is someone else around to do it, that is just lazy.

Someone will be along to tell you to give him a break because he is depressed.

People aren't allowed to be lazy arses on here, they have to have an excuse for it.

Why do you put up with this?

My partner is good in that respect. He cooks, brings food round, did a weeks worth of DIY at my place, all sorts really. Sometime I look at him and wonder how I managed to get such a great bloke.

In the past I have been out with blokes who have made comments about not doing the washing up, or a stain On the draining board etc, or come to watch me wash up to see if I do it properly, I felt very little woman, and felt sure he would comment if I had not done it properly.

In all cases I wanted to stab them with a fork. No way could I have stuck with them.

Can you teach him by your own behaviour that its not on? Such as, cook an amazing roast but make sure there is not enough for him and then down with kids and tuck in and when he says 'eh?? Where's mine?' Say you don't do your share and I am now stopping doing it for you. Until this changes, this is how things are going to be.

Don't unpack his stuff when you have moved.
Really.
If you change, he will have to.
Sit in a pit with his stuff around and don't deal with it.
When he asks, tell him why.
But the most painful thing would be not cooking or washing for him. And perhaps not getting food in for him. Make him do it himself.

'My partner is good in that respect. He cooks, brings food round, did a weeks worth of DIY at my place, all sorts really. Sometime I look at him and wonder how I managed to get such a great bloke.'

Good?

How sad that you count yourself lucky to be with someone who treats you with respect. For real? Why do you think you're worth so little?

"'My partner is good in that respect. He cooks, brings food round, did a weeks worth of DIY at my place, all sorts really. Sometime I look at him and wonder how I managed to get such a great bloke.'

He isn't good. He's a normal adult human being. You are "lucky" if you find somebody loving and kind and funny and sexy- you are not "lucky" if you find a man capable of ordinary day to day living!

Well, turn things around, and the OP could be my dh describing me, and I am depressed. However, I do, and always have done, as much as I am capable of doing, and I am always grateful and appreciative, because I realise how hard it is to live with me.

My DH sorts the cars out (I'm not incapable of that stuff, just that he loves doing it), gardens, rubbish, tip, etc - he's a "get on with it" type. He is however, not good at housework or cooking, although he's happy to iron. For that reason we have a cleaner to do most of it and then I stay on top of shopping, cooking, laundry and day to day tidying. If we didn't have a cleaner, I would feel annoyed about his housework blinkers, but it's a sane solution if its affordable.
Breakfast in bed occasionally too...

Why on earth would you be in a relationship with a man like this?

Baffles me.

Mine is the post opposite of lazy. Will do everything that needs doing. Saying that we have quite traditional roles in as much as I don't work and he works really long hours but he will swoop in and do what needs doing at a moment's notice. Everything gets done.

Well of course he does sod all. You've tolerated him doing so.

What are you going to do about it?

I don't get it at all.

Why are some people so grateful that their DHs do stuff in the house?
It's not "helping"
It's being responsible. Grown up people do not need to be told what needs to be done to maintain a house or raise children.

And as for living with a partner that does fuck all, whilst their wives run around cooking, cleaning, looking after the children, washing, ironing and attending to their every whim? I don't know why anyone would put up with this.

If your DH thinks this is appropriate, to do absolutely nothing then he is an arse. And if you let him get away with it, then you are being ridiculous.
There is no point complaining about it here. Just stop running around after him.

Every time I read one of these threads I am sad what some people will put up with, what people think they are worth.

And it makes me more determined that my DS1 and 2 will never think it's a woman's job to run around after them whilst they sit on their arses.
They will know that washing a dish or bathing the baby is not "helping" their wives.
It is being a decent, responsible adult.

Some people might ask my dh the same question, usualsuspect.

I'm a SAHM so do most things and I have a bit of a routine so I know what needs doing. DH works very long hours but does what needs doing. He doesn't help me, just does what needs to be done.
Helping only counts if one person is doing a job and the other offers to lend a hand. I helped DH fix the garage roof a few weeks ago, as did DS. Picking clothes up off the floor or putting dishes away is not helping, it's just day to day stuff that has to be done!

OP has not said her OP is suffering from depression.

If she had,my advice would have been different.

DP probably does more than me overall. I agree also it's not a case of him being "helpful", because it's not my stuff that he helps out with, it is both of our responsibility. That's cooking, cleaning, DIY, childcare and shopping, as well as bringing monney into the household. He Kay do more of the latter but that isn't magically more important than anything else.

If you are doing everything then you are doing twice as much as you should be doing - you're doing his share as well as your own!

DP*

He works his backside off at work, obviously, and is turning the garden into one giant veggie patch to satisfy his 'good life' fantasies. He also does all the d.i.y. and is great at fixing things. He tends to enjoy cooking the fancy stuff when friends come over and I'll do the bog standard family meals and Sunday roast bits.

He can be a bit crap about 'leaving things to soak', or leaving vats of oil from deep frying his Chinese creations sitting around the kitchen though. He barely touches the washing machine, hoover or duster but we're quite equitable in the division of labour I think. He's pretty dammed wonderful really.

You are right, usualsuspect - and to be fair, even if he is undiagnosed, he should still be able to see how much his dp is doing round the house. Depression could be a reason why he is behaving this way (but he could just be a total arse), and even if it is the reason, it is NOT an excuse not to appreciate how much she is doing.

I guess I worry a lot that everyone thinks dh could do so much better than me - an overweight depressive domestic anti-goddess.

Mine is out of the house for an average of 13 hours a day during the week so isn't lazy as such.
However he works on the basis that the rare or less frequuent jobs of the garden and diy are his jobs and the rest is mine.
It drives me mad. He will occasionally load dishwasher or cook the odd meal but that's about it.
I do wish i put a stop to it soooner as now the children never come to him. Today i breastfed baby dd who than fell asleep in my arms. Dd1 came in and asked for a drink. Dh was in the same room playing computer games. I said i couldn't do it so she brought bottle of milk in and wanted to hand it to me to pour it.
I had to tell her to get dh to do it.

Hmm. If he has the capacity and ability to help, but isn't, and that bothers you, there's a problem. For that reason I subscribe to most of the comments above: he's a lazy arse and you need accept it/try to change it/ditch him. Personally I couldn't live with that so I'd go on strike wrt anything of his, then explain. Sorry but he sounds like a bit of a lazy misogynistic loser.

I know each couple need only to be the way they each want to be, so here's my arrangement: DW works FT in a good job. I am SAHD. I consider it my role to ensure the kids are sorted/happy, house is tidy & clean, all shopping & cooking an household admin is done. Essentially, she works hard all week & I see it as only fair & right that I do the same. Having said that, she seldom makes the bed if she's up after I am. She leaves clothes around. These things bug me. Hardly a deal breaker though.

I met someone in the same position as you today op.I think we were both as shocked as each other .She was surprised that I had asked my dp to pull his weight more and I was shocked that her dp does nothing.They both work full time.She gets home v late some evenings.She even mowed the lawn when heavily pregnant.I actually didn't realise people put up with this kind of crap.Growing up my parents both worked and shared housework as did my grandparents so this was always the norm to me.