DH won't ever discuss anything if there's a problem, he just ignores me speaking to him

[winearama]

My DH has always thought that he is perfect and if we argue then it's my fault, but in the past few years he has developed a thing of refusing to talk if there's a problem. If I try to talk to him about anything serious he just ignores me, pretends to watch telly, busys himself doing something (like last night when he decided to fix an umbrella), or closes his eyes.

He is in general quite inconsiderate of me, and does lots of selfish things, but there is no point telling him as he refuses to engage. Most recently I have tried to talk to him several times about how when I start my new job next week things are going to have to be split in the house more equally as I won't have the time to do everything anymore. If I raise the subject he just looks at me and ignores me or finds a job to do and gets engrossed in it so that in the end I give up.

So he ignores you if there's a problem, but you're saying he also does it if you just want to chat about something.

Does he ever listen to your point of view?

He's insulting you. Some would call it emotional abuse. Ignoring someone basically says you don't think their opinions are worth acknowledging and that they are completely irrelevant. If he's selfish, inconsiderate and up his own arse perfection-wise then it's all part and parcel.

Why do you tolerate living with someone that doesn't like or respect you?

He'll listen to me if it's normal chit chat but he won't listen if it's something he doesn't want to hear. He doesnt' want to do more around the house so I guess he thinks that by ignoring me I will shut up about it and do it myself. The other day he rummaged through a drawer of mine that has all my make up and jewellery in it (looking for lip balm) and made a right mess. I've asked him twice to tidy it and he won't even answer me. Then 30 seconds later if I change the subject he will talk.

Last weekend he wasn't very nice to me and said something horrible, and when I tried to defend myself he just pretended to be asleep.

And the reason you haven't shown him through the front door on the toe of your boot is.....?

I don't know, Cogito. It's getting that way though.

Give him 2 pieces of paper.

One with the list of his part of the household chores.

The other with the word DIVORCE written on it.

His choice.

What a complete twat he is.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Actually, cross post.

Just give him the second piece of paper.

He's really not being very nice to me at the moment so I'm not sure what I do get out of the relationship tbh.

He's really nice with everyone else but has this unreasonable streak that only I see. A friend came round the other day and he was off work, and they had a conversation for 90 minutes (I couldn't get a word in, so I gave up) and now she is waxing lyrical about how lovely he is. He listened to her though

He also says inflammatory things all the time, and when I get upset or defend myself he says 'I'm not going to argue with you' then refuses to engage.

You'll feel much better when you get rid of this disrespectful arsehole.

Make it sooner rather than later.

For whatever reason, he doesn't like you any more and can't be bothered to engage unless it's to make you feel bad. I'd tell him to either straighten his face or get out. Life's too short

Abusive types are plausible to those in the outside world as well.

There are an awful lot of red flags here re him. He needs to be gone from your day to day life before your own self worth sinks lower than it already is.

Signs that you are in an abusive relationship Sadly OP, I think you'll find some of the points in this article relating to emotional abuse will sound familiar.

This man is feeding his ego by mistreating you. He doesen't like women very much and doesn't percieve them as human. To him you are more along the lines of a dog: something to be trained and punished.

Get rid of him. His contempt for women is too entrenched to be changed.

He's stonewalling you. It's abuse.

This currently sounds like a one sided relationship - he IS the relationship and you are on the side.

Arguments with my oh used to be like this and it would drive me mad. He learned it from his EA family. He was not equipped to deal with conflict or differences of opinion.

This isn't going to change if he does not accept its completely unreasonable. This is not how healthy respectful relationships work.

How would he react if you behaved in the same way as him?

He is acting like you are his Mum and he is a sulky little boy. That's an awful dynamic for an adult relationship.

If you still love him, try to get him to Relate or similar to discuss how you communicate and try to make it better. If he refuses, I guess you have your answer.

My husband does this.

I do wish I'd read this thread (and others like it) years ago.

Like you, OP, I have quite a few people in my life (in our life) who tell me at great length how great my husband is. I used to think I was mad. Having read a bit on the mn Relationships pages, I now see that, yes, he is great - to them. Not me. And that is intentional.

I've tried a million ways to "fix" this, and other, related, behaviour - including. None of it has worked. I think that, slowly, I'm realising that nothing will. He wants to be like this. He doesn't want to change. I'm realising that if I want a different life, one in which I don't spend a large part of my days with someone who really doesn't treat me nicely, I need to walk away.

I wish you all the best. I really do wish that you find a "solution". If you do, will you come back and say what/how you did?

That said, I think my own experience suggests there will be no solution. But ... you are about to start a job and that really should give you more power, autonomy and choices. All of which are good things.

Good luck.

I would certainly withdraw laundry and catering services from someone who pretended to be asleep/ignored me when they didn't want to hear what I had to say..